Author Archives: M.A.D. LIGAYA
Hindi Nga Ba Ukol? (4)
(4th of 7 parts)
Iba ang siglang nadama ko pagkatapos ng video call at palitan namin ng messages ni Kath. Pakiramdam ko’y nagkaroon ng closure ang napakarming issues sa pagitan namin. Nagkaroon ng linaw ang maraming bagay tungkol sa aming dalawa.
Sinimulan ko nang i-erase ang mga messages namin. Nabasa ko ulit ang message niyang nagsasabing hindi raw kami ukol sa isa’t-isa… that we were not meant to be with each other.
I gave that a serious thought.
Hindi nga ba kami ukol para sa isa’t-isa? Are we really not meant for each other?
**********
After two days, nang inopen ko ang Facebook ay tinignan ko ulit ang profile ni Kath, katulad ng madalas kong gawin. Tinignan ko nanaman ang mga solo shots niya sa kanyang album na profile pic.
Hindi na ako nakatiis. Nagmessage ako sa kanya.
“Hello Kath! Busy?”
Mga five minutes siguro bago siya nag-respond.
“Hindi naman. Just reading to kill time.”
“I see.”
“So… what’s up Marco?”
“Kung hindi ka pa sana matutulog eh can I call?”
“What if I say no?”
“Please Kath, kahit saglit lang.”
“Why? Napagusapan na natin lahat 2 nights ago ‘di ba? So, tell me… why do you need to call me?”
May ilang sandali din ang lumipas bago ako nakasagot.
“Kath… please. Let me talk to you kahit few minutes lang.”
“Bakit nga kako… Bakkittt?”
I told her the truth.
“I miss you Kath. Iyon lang. I just want to see you again.”
Nabasa ni Kath ang sinabi kong iyon. Naging “seen” ang status ng message.
Feeling ko eh hindi ako pagbibigyan ni Kath.
Nag-send ulit ako ng message.
“I am sorry Kath. I’m just being true to myself. Sobrang na-miss talaga kita.”
Pagkatapos niyon, nagulat ako pero tuwang-tuwa dahil si Kath na mismo ang tumawag.
In-accept ko ang video call.
“Thank you Kath!”
“Thank you ka diyan. Makulit ka pa rin hanggang ngayong Marco.”
Ang sabi ni Kath habang inaayos ang earphones sa kanyang mga tenga.
Naka lady sando at shorts lang si Kath. Malawak ang sakok na kuha ng gamit niyang webcam kaya nakikita ko siya mula hita hanggang mukha.
“O… saan ka nakatingin?”
Nangiti ako. Nag-adjust ng puwesto si Kath kaya mula dibdib hanggang mukha na lamang niya ang aking nakikita.
“Sa mukha mo ako nakatingin ano.”
Hindi nga talaga kumupas ang kagandahan ni Kath.
“Hay naku Marco. Hanggang ngayon eh napakahirap mong hindian. Ang kulit-kulit mo.”
“Sorry Kath. Talaga lang na sabik akong makita ka.”
“O sige na… sige na. Naniniwala na ako.”
“Ikaw ba Kath… do you miss me?”
Napayuko si Kath. Bumuntong-hininga.
“Ano ba Marco. Bakit ba kaylangan mo pang tanungin iyan?”
“Yes or no lang naman. Mahirap bang sagutin ang tanong ko.”
“Oo na… oo na… miss rin kita. O ano masaya ka na?”
“Thank you Kath.”
“Thank you ka diyan. Marco lilinawin ko lang ha.”
“Ang alin?”
“May asawa’t anak na tayo pareho. Tahimik na pareho ang mga buhay natin. Okay.”
Tumango lang ako bilang tugon.
“Pumapayag akong mag-usap tayo dahil magkaybigan tayo. May pinagsamahan tayo. Nothing more… nothing less.”
“Loud and clear Kath.”
“Mabuti naman!”
“Nasaan nga pala mga tsikiting mo.”
“Nasa kani-kanilang kuwarto. Mga 9:00 PM eh pinapasok ko na sila sa mga kuwarto nila para matulog.”
“So okay lang na tawagan kita a little past 9:00 PM diyan.”
“Hoy Marco… huwag kang assuming… last na video call na natin ito.”
“Huwag naman… sana kahit once a week at least eh magkausap tayo.”
“What made you think na gusto kita kausapin at least once a week?”
“Basta… tatawagan kita Kath. Magbabakasakali na maawa ka sa akin eh sasagutin mo.”
“Bahala ka… hindi ko sasagutin ang tawag mo. Kaya nga lahat ng gusto mong sabihin eh sabihin mo na ngayon.”
Alam kong hindi totoo iyon. Alam kong kapag tumawag ulit ako kay Kath eh sasagutin at sasagutin niya ito. Nararamdaman kong mahal pa rin niya ako. At hindi ako puwedeng magkamali sa kung ano ang nararamdam ko – mahal ko pa rin si Kath.
Sana mali ako sa aking assumption tungkol sa nararamdaman sa akin ni Kath. Sana nga mali ako sa dahilang kapag hindi ko napigilan ang aking sarili sa sa pagpapakita ng kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya eh paano kung bumigay din siya?
“Kaylan nga pala uuwi si Jay?”
“I don’t know. Baka next year. Every two years siya umuuwi. Pero dahil sa covid eh baka madelay. Ikaw… kaylan ka magbabakasyon dito sa atin?”
“Next year din. Ang tagal pa nga eh. Uwing-uwi na ako.”
“Wow! Mukhang miss na miss mo na si Anna ah. Tama?”
“Siyempre lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay eh miss ko na.”
“At siyempre kasama doon si Anna… di ba?”
“Bakit ba lagi mong isinisingit si Anna?”
“Aba siyempre… sino ang gusto mong tanungin ko na nami-miss mo? Si Mayette?”
I chose not to respond.
Si Kath ang tumapos sa dead air na namagitan sa amin.
“O sige na Marco. Mukhang ayaw mo na akong kausapin. Drop this call now.”
“Bakit ko naman mami-miss si Mayette?”
“Malay ko sa iyo? Hindi mo ba namimiss iyong dyugdyugan ninyo noon?”
“Kath please.”
“Naku Marco… sa libog mong iyan at dahil hindi mo kasama diyan si Anna eh siguradong…”
“No! I never fucked anyone here. I have not fucked anyone in 8 years.”
Tumawa nang tumawa si Kath. Parang nanunuya.
“Do you expect mo to believe that?”
“I don’t care if you believe it or not. Kahit naman kaylan hindi ka naniniwala sa mga sinasabi ko.”
Tumigil sa pagtawa si Kath. Bigla siyang naging seryoso.
“Granting na wala kang tinira diyan Marco, what about your wife tuwing nagbabakasyon ka dito?”
Ipinaliwang ko kay Kath na after niyang ipangangak si Kenneth ay hindi na kami nakapag-sex ni Anna. Nagkaroon siya ng diabetes at isa sa mga naging epekto ng kondisyon niyang iyon ay ang pagbaba ng kanyang libido. Bukod doon ay may sumasakit sa kanyang ari tuwing gagawin namin iyon.
“Sorry to hear that Marco.”
“We don’t even sleep in the same room kapag umuuwi ako.”
“Ha!? Why?”
“Don’t ask Kath. Sabihin na lang natin na that’s the kind of arrangement that made both of us happy and enabled us to preserve our marriage.”
Natahimik nanaman kami pareho ni Kath.
Mahirap sabihin kung naniwala ba sa mga sinabi ko si Kath. Mahirap naman talaga paniwalaan na may ganoon kaming arrangement ni Anna. Pero dahil nga sa sakit niya eh hindi ako makapag-insist na magsiping kami. At kahit nga hindi kami tuluyang naghiwalay noon at nagkaanak pa kami bago siya nagkasakit eh hindi ko masasabing naging maaayos ang pagsasama namin. Away-bati pa rin kami. Para talaga kaming aso’t pusa. Napatawad naman niya ako sa pagkakaroon ko ng relasyon kay Mayette at ako nama’y tinigilang kong mag-expect ng mga bagay na hindi niya kayang ibigay. Pero wala talaga kaming tinatawag na chemistry. Tinanggap ko na nga lang noon na ganoon siya… na hindi siya katulad ni Kath. Pero mayroon din naman siyang magandang mga qualities. Unfair naman na sabihin kong puro negative ang nakikita ko sa kanya. Hindi lang talaga kami magkasundo sa mga napakaraming bagay
Puwede kong sabihin na isa sa mga naging magandang resulta ng pagtatrabaho ko dito sa South Korea ay ang pagkakaroon ng physical distance ni Anna. Mahirap kasi talaga na magkasama kami sa iisang bahay. Nakakapagtakang bigla na lang kaming magkakaroon ng disagreement kahit tungkol sa mga napaka-petty na mga bagay.
“Ang gara naman ng arrangement ninyo. Why did you decide to stay with her despite… you know…”
“Despite the absence of sex… despite the fact that we literally sleep in different rooms kapag nandiyan ako sa Pilipinas?”
Hindi sumagot si Kath. Parang nakatingin lang siya sa akin.
“Tell me what I should have done Kath. Find another Mayette! Is that what I should have done?”
“I don’t know Marco! I don’t know!”
“Kath… I realized when I was here in South Korea who I should have had as a wife. I finally came to know kung sino ang gusto ko na makasama hanggang sa pagtanda ko kung mabibigyan kami ng pagkakataon. Kung magkakaroon ulit ako ng bagong relasyon I want it with only one person… with her. Kung hindi siya… huwag na lang.”
Mirage
Felt it was.
Thought it was.
But…it wasn’t
I saw you…
smiling.
I felt your lips
kissing mine.
But when the amber’s gone
you vanished.
In thin air
you disappeared.
The cinder is our only chance
but it has now turned to ashes.
The wind has blown away
the faintest flicker of hope
that there’s a “you and me.”
But…
It can’t be… shouldn’t be.
The “you and me”
is nothing
but a “could have been.”
You were there
or so I thought.
But you were never.
Or shall I say…
you should have not been there.
Everything was indeed perfect.
Or so I thought.
But everything is nothing
… but a mirage.
But I could still
hold you
kiss you…
that’s when you visit me
in my dreams.
Only in my dreams.
For the “we”
is but a dream.
And you
…. just a mirage.
Road to Self-Improvement: The Road Not Taken
“When we strive to become better than we are,
everything around us becomes better too.”
– Paulo Coelho
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…”
That’s the first line in Robert Frost’s poem entitled “The Road Not Taken.”
Each time you wake up in the morning, you stand at a fork in a road – one path leads to self-complacency and the other to self-improvement.
“And sorry [you] could not travel both
And be one traveler, long [you] stood
And looked down one as far as [you] could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;”
You wouldn’t be able to see what lies ahead because the forest of life is dense and the road is not straight. All I can tell you is you will either bear the consequences or enjoy the results of choosing which way to go. And you were not born yesterday not to know the repercussions…
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Your Blame List
The last time we came to work late, was it the traffic or the weather that we blamed? Or was it the alarm clock’s fault for it didn’t go off? Ahh, the battery of the cellphone went dead.
When we had a break-up with a lover (or a major falling out with a friend), who did we blame? Ourselves or the other party?
Whenever something goes wrong, seldom or rarely (or is it never?) do we hold ourselves responsible for it. We always point our finger at something or hold others accountable. When things don’t turn the way we expect them to, we are always ready to check our blame list to find somebody or something to put the liability on.
This reminds me of one of the narratives of Jim Rohn.* He said that one day he was asked by his mentor Earl Shoaff, “Jim just out of curiosity tell me how come you haven’t done well up until now?” What Mr. Rohn did, according to him, for him not to look too bad, was read on his list of why he wasn’t looking good and not doing well. He blamed, among other things, the government, weather, traffic, company policies, negative relatives, cynical neighbors, economy, and community.
What about our personal blame lists? Is it as long Mr. Rohn’s. Perhaps it’s longer.
Who do people who could not find jobs blame? Of course the favorite whipping boy – the government. They contend that it is the duty of the government to create job opportunities for them. That is true. But work is something that is not going to be awarded to anybody on a silver platter. We have to search for it and we ought to be prepared. It is our responsibility to get ourselves ready for employment. Get the required education or training. We need to have the necessary knowledge and skills.
What if you could not get the education and training you need? Well, whose fault? Okay, I will give you time to check your blame list.
Done?
Now let’s continue.
Common sense will tell us that the government cannot possibly provide each citizen with a job. It is also impossible for the private sector to employ everybody. That’s just the reality. Harsh it may be. So, what should we do? Simple – be competitive. Be the best in your field or profession. The best ones are always on top of the priority lists of prospective employers. And if in our respective countries there are no job opportunities, or we won’t get the salary we want, let’s consider applying for work overseas. If you’re not satisfied where you are, go somewhere else.
“You can always move out from where you are now to find yourselves better opportunities. You’re not a tree.” That’s also from Mr. Rohn.
The ones who won’t get employed, or do not want to work for others because they have better plans for themselves, could perhaps succeed as entrepreneurs. Not everybody is trained to be in a workplace and be someone else’s employee. Some of us will be farmers, or fishermen, or plumbers, or drivers, or gardeners. There is always a way to earn an honest living. Whatever it is that we find as a source of livelihood, let’s us be thankful.
Accept the reality that some are rich and some are poor. And hey, don’t blame the rich if they don’t want to help the poor. Don’t blame your rich siblings, friends, and neighbors if they don’t share with you their blessings. It’s either you work as hard as they did for you to have what they have or be content with what you are capable of having.
Just bear in mind that each of us has a choice to A – Be rich; B – Have the means to meet both ends and at least get extra cash to afford some luxuries in life; or C – Have 3 square meals a day. Yes, I consider A, B and C as choices. It’s up to us to decide what to aim at… which of the three would make us happy.
Some people live simple lives happy to be able to eat three times a day. Some set their ceilings high and sometimes even go through it. Each of us has a chance at A. Nobody would prevent us from wanting to become rich. But becoming that won’t be easy… unless you win millions in the lottery.
There are two ways to go (and robbing a bank is not one of them) for those who would aim at A – hope that you hit that lotto jackpot or work as hard and wisely as those who became millionaires and billionaires did.
And when you fail to be so… when you fail to achieve your dreams and realize your goals… blame no one.
People who suffer from setbacks and face adversities would more often than not blame their friends or family members – parents, siblings, children, spouses – citing lack of support. Let’s not forget that support is something that is given voluntarily. It is not an entitlement. We could say that it is the obligation of our loved ones to help us. But what if they are not capable of helping for just like us they also need help or they also have problems of their own?
Or what if they have the capacity to support but they won’t? That would bring us to another “don’t” aside from don’t blame. That is don’t expect. If we get support in the pursuit of our dreams and goals we should be thankful. If not, our fight goes on. It’s not the end of the world. We should always be ready to fight our battles alone.
And please, let’s not blame our parents also if we are not doing well in life. Let’s not accuse them of not paving the way for us and ensure that rolled in our paths to better lives is a red carpet. Whatever kind of parents we have (or had) – good or bad – they ceased to be in control of us and our future the moment we became capable of deciding for ourselves. The question is, “What did we do when we sat in the driver’s seat of our lives?” Did we do everything we could to ensure that we succeed in our endeavors? Or did we expect that success is like the manna that fell from heaven which the Israelites in the Exodus just freely picked up?
Remember the narrative of Mr. Rohn? It did not end after he made a litany of the reasons why he was not succeeding and who and what should be blamed for that. Mr. Shoaff patiently listened to him and at the end said the following, “Mr. Rohn, the problem with your list is you ain’t on it!”
Before Mr. Rohn decided to work for Mr. Shoaff, he tore off his old blame list and replaced it with a new one where he wrote the only reason for not doing good in life – “ME.”
Now, let’s review our personal blame lists? Are we included on it? Or we automatically assign fault to something or someone for the misfortunes and failures that befall us?
Something that we should understand and accept is whatever we have become, wherever we are in the socio-economic pyramid, and whatever we have and don’t have, are the results of all the decisions we made. Others may disagree but I believe that our destiny is the sum total of all our decisions and indecisions.
We disagree in our interpretation of destiny. Theists believe that whatever happens to us is the will of a supreme being. I also believe that God exists but I think that we chart our own destiny. He gave us the gift of volition so we could have the dignity to decide for ourselves.
So, if we are not succeeding in our endeavors, if we are not healthy, and if we are not happy, we only have ourselves to blame.
__________
* Jim Rohn was a successful American entrepreneur and motivational speaker and his net worth before his death, according to estimates, was $500 million.
Reunion
(A Short Story in Filipino)
Dalawampu’t limang taon bago muling nagkita-kita ang magkakaybigang sina Jay, Chris, Mario at Mon. Masaya sila sa dahilang muli silang nagkasama-sama. Sila’y buong sabik na nagkumustahan at nagkuwentuhan.
Katulad ng dati ay nandoon ang kantiyawan at tawanan. At siyempre, hindi naiwasan na mapag-usapan din nila ang mga seryosong bagay – ang mga pagsubok at mga alalahanin, ang kanilang mga kabiguan at tagumpay, at ang kinahinatnan ng kanilang mga pangarap sa buhay.
At kadalasang pagkatapos ng reunion o pagkikita ng mga magkakaybigan o magka-klase ay malalaman kung sino sa kanila ang totoong nagtagumpay. At papaano ba susukatin ang tunay na tagumpay? Ano ang batayang gagamitin mo para sabihing nagtagumpay sa buhay ang mga kaybigan at mga kaklase mo?
Love at First Bite
I am a foodie. My love handles are a testament to that. So, when I came here (South Korea), I was excited to finally try Korean dishes I saw only in K-Dramas.
The first food I ate here in South Korea was… biscuits from the Philippines. Yes, that’s true. I wasn’t able to eat anything Korean immediately when I and sir Kenn (a fellow professor from the Philippines) arrived at the Busan International Airport. I was not thinking of food at that time. I was looking for at least a cup of coffee then, not because of hunger nor my usual craving for caffeine. I just wanted to feel something warm in my hands which started to go numb. It was freezing cold that morning and hunger was the least of my worries. The only thing I wanted was to reach our destination at Gyeoungju-si and wrapped myself up with the thickest blanket I could find there.
My jacket wasn’t thick enough for my body to enjoy the early spring weather trying to give me an icy cold welcome. I didn’t have time to open my traveling bags because we had a bus to catch. It was my fault to believe what some friends back home told me that it’s not that cold here during spring. For a body used to either a hot or a VERY HOT weather, experiencing a negative two for the first time was literally a chilling experience.
As soon as I reached the apartment reserved for me by 경주 대학교 (Gyeoungju University), the first school where I worked here, I immediately unpacked and got myself another jacket. It was only when I was warm enough that I started to feel hungry and realized that I was actually a time zone away from my family. Back home, my wife would make sure that whenever hunger strikes there’s food I could grab from either the fridge or the table.
I waited for another day to officially get introduced to Korean dishes that I had the chance to see only on TV through the Korean dramas that Filipinos like me are so fond of watching. I found it amusing that aside from wishing me well for the Korean adventure I was about to embark on, my family and friends kept telling me that finally I would have a chance to try the legendary 김치 (kimchi).
Then finally the day came that something Korean would travel my digestive tract. I got that chance during the orientation for the university students held at the Concorde Hotel (Bomun Lake Resort, Bodeok-dong, Gyeongju-si, Gyeongsangbukdo). Of course, I was excited to meet my fellow professors from other countries and have my first encounter with Korean university students. But I was, I think, more excited to have my first dining experience in South Korea. What made it more exciting was the fact that after that night, the taste of kimchi would no longer be a mystery to me.
Right after the orientation, I joined the foreign professors and university officials and we all headed to the restaurant of the hotel. As we approached the dining hall, the ambrosial smell characteristic of hotel lobbies was replaced by a savory waft that was unlike any combination of aroma my sense of smell was used to. It made me hungrier and more excited.
There were four of us who shared one of the tables reserved. Already there (on the table) before we sat down were lots of 반찬 (banchan), or side dishes, mostly vegetables, including Korea’s “most-talked-about” kimchi.
I dived in. The first Korean food I tried was kimchi.
Despite my struggles with the chopsticks, I managed to pick a small chunk of this famous fermented cabbage. The smell, as I expected, was biting and pungent. Its tanginess was nothing new to me because in the Philippines there are items in our cuisine that I could say are perhaps more biting and more pungent than kimchi. What about the taste? It’s garlicky, salty and of course spicy. The first one I tried then had a combination of sweetness and spiciness. I was told that there are more than 100 known varieties of kimchi.
After my first bite, I immediately wanted more of it. Yes, I came to like kimchi. I don’t know why, let me just say that it was “love at first bite.” It is so hard to explain as to why I would consider meals incomplete without a serving of this side dish.
The main meal served was a kimchi-based dish called 김치 찌개 (kimchi-jjigae). Kimchi-jjigae is kind of stew where kimchi (preferably older or more fermented) is mixed with pork, seafood and diced tofu. I could handle spicy foods like this one. There are two problems though when I eat them. First, I sweat too much. Second and last, I probably would have up to two orders of extra rice. I was a little overweight when I came to South Korea. One of the things I set as goal when I came here was to get rid of the “belt bag.” With foods like kimchi-jjigae, I realized that night that losing weight is an impossible dream.
I think I completely abandoned those “weighty” concerns when sir Randy, also a fellow professor from the Philippines, told me that the following day he would make me try 삼겹살 (samgyeobsal).
If love… then what? (3)
(A Movie Review – last of 3 parts)
The primary conflict – Will Ben and Phillip succeed in diminishing the role of James in the creation of the OED and in striking out William as a contributor? – is categorized as “man against man.” Conversely, what I consider as the secondary conflict – Will Eliza forgive William? – is classified as “man against himself.” This conflict gives the movie a semblance of drama and romance.
While the challenges James and William had to overcome stem from the selfish motives of two members of the OED project’s oversight committee, Eliza’s struggle comes from within her. She had to choose to forgive the man who killed her husband or not.
Anyone seeking forgiveness needs to show repentance and a willingness to make amends, even when not asked to do so. William did both.
William could have just disregarded the crime he committed and hidden his guilt under the rug of his condition, declared by the judicial and health authorities as insanity. But he did not. Guilt pricked his conscience to no end, knowing fully well the severity of his crime – killing the husband of a wife and the father of 6 children. Already tormented by flashbacks to the American Civil War (in which he served as a surgeon in the Union Army), William also had to bear that guilt.
Thus, he asked that his army pension be given to Eliza. Deep inside, William is a good man with a brilliant mind (when lucid). Such goodness and brilliance were ruined by a mental disorder.
Mr. Muncie, a guard at the psychiatric hospital, recognizes the goodness in William. Eventually, a friendship developed between them. Same with William and James, they became very good friends too.
The story exemplifies what people are willing to do for their friends. Mr. Muncie tried to defend William against the abuses of Dr. Brayne, and James did everything he could to secure his release from the psychiatric hospital. James had a very good friend in Freddie, too. How remarkable are Freddie’s attempts to save James from getting booted out of the OED project by lying to the oversight committee that he was responsible for the missing words that were supposedly included in volume 1 of the dictionary? Freddie went as far as using his connections to secure the royal seal of patronage for James, acknowledging him as the primary mover of the OED, rendering moot and academic all of the efforts of Ben and Phillip “to ease the gentle Scotsman off his little perch.” And that is the resolution of the main conflict.
What about the secondary conflict – Will Eliza forgive William?
Mr. Muncie, upon William’s bidding, visits Eliza to discuss the financial assistance William proposes to give. Eliza, at first, refuses. After a while, seeing how difficult life has been for her and her children, Eliza tells Muncie, who visited them again one Christmas Eve, that she will accept William’s offer, but that is only after seeing the killer of her husband in person to find out if she could stomach accepting the money.
The meeting between Eliza and William happened. Eliza finally agrees to accept the money, but at the end of that encounter with her husband’s murderer, she says that her accepting William’s offer doesn’t make things right. William may not have received the forgiveness he was hoping for. Still, somehow, a certain portion of his guilt went away when Eliza accepted the financial assistance he offered.
Eliza visited William a second time, brought him a book, and thanked him for the money. He also informed William that things were better for her and her children. In that conversation, Eliza said that it wasn’t right for her to continue receiving William’s money, to which the latter replied that his life belongs to Eliza and what is his is hers too… and all that started the night he killed her husband.
Those words perhaps melted Eliza’s heart and vaporized whatever hatred she had for William.
That visit led to more, and when William discovered that Eliza could not read, he begged her to allow him to teach her how to… if only so she could teach her children to read as well.
William explained to Eliza the importance of reading this way – “ [Reading] is freedom. I can fly out of this place on the backs of books. I’ve gone to the ends of the world on the wings of words. When I read, no one is after me. When I read, I’m the one chasing. Chasing after God.”
Eliza accepted William’s offer. Each time she visited, William would teach her how to read. The way she looks at Eliza betrays how he feels towards the widow of the man he murdered.
Eventually, Eliza learned to read the words written in the pages of books. There’s something else she learned to read – the innate goodness of William. Eliza came to know who and what William really was.
On the day Eliza brought her children to the psychiatric hospital for them to meet William for the first time, Claire, Eliza’s firstborn, couldn’t refrain from expressing her anger towards her father’s killer. Eliza apologized to William for her daughter’s outburst, and after kissing him, she told him that she had already forgiven him.
Eliza’s forgiveness paved the way for William’s redemption. At that point, the question – Will Eliza forgive William? – was answered. But instead of the “falling action” (at least for that subplot) following that, there was a heightening (rising) of the action instead. Eliza, aside from forgiveness, gave William something else… love.
On one of James’ visits, he saw the portrait of a woman that William had painted. When asked who that woman is, William replied, “The impossible.”
Indeed, it is seemingly impossible for Eliza to forgive William, her husband’s killer. And what is more, it is impossible for Eliza to end up loving William.
But as James said when William referred to her as “the impossible” – “the more impossible, the greater the love.”
And what happened to the note Eliza gave William – “If love, then what?”
William, with that unstable mind that he had, responded to it unexpectedly. It brought back the guilt that he felt after killing Eliza’s husband. Eliza falling in love with him is like killing her husband for the second time. To Eliza’s question, “If love, then what?” William responded, “There’s no chance of redemption.” That guilt worsened William’s paranoid delusions, prompting him to “punish” himself.
That day, Eliza gave William that note and asked him to open it when she was gone. William said, “I’m sorry, Eliza.” Eliza responded, “But what if I’m not?” Then they kissed.
That, for me, is the most beautiful part of the movie. What followed thereafter are the darkest parts of the story – particularly William “punishing” himself and the monsters – Ben, Phillip, and Dr. Bryne – rearing their ugly heads.
The ending may be formulaic – the good triumphs over evil – but what I would like to remember the movie by is Eliza’s answer to her own question.
“If love, then what?” L O V E.
If you are in love, just love… no ifs… no buts.
