I was consumed with hatred’s burning flame, like Juno’s fury, scorching all in sight. “No peace for you,” her voice a cry of shame, let vengeance reign, and make your world ignite.”
Mars appeared, his armor dark as night, “Come, battle on, in war’s eternal haze. your fury’s fuel, the blood, the sword’s delight, in conflict, find your solace, let it blaze.”
Venus, in her grace, then softly spoke, “Let love subdue the beast that rages loud, for in your heart, hatred will only choke, and peace shall lift you from the furious crowd.”
But Pluto’s grip was cold, his eyes so grim, “Hatred is mine to carry down below. In death’s embrace, the light will start to dim, let anger fall, and darkness will bestow.”
And finally, from atop Olympus’ hill, Minerva’s wisdom whispered through the breeze, “Leave vengeance now, for calm can heal the ill, let knowledge guide you, bring your soul to ease.”
It was another Sunday, and you and Daniel arrived at the house again. For the first time in a while, the sky wore a somber hue as a cold wind whispered through the trees. The news warned of an approaching typhoon, a tempest looming on the horizon.
Inside, Elena and her mother busied themselves with lunch preparations while Daniel practiced his shooting in the backyard. You found me on the terrace, an unexpected encounter that made my heart skip a beat. You glanced around cautiously before speaking, ensuring our conversation was private.
“Jeff… I am two weeks delayed. I’ve been dizzy and vomiting frequently these past few days.”
Your words doused me like a bucket of icy water.
“Why are you telling me this, Camille?”
“Damn you. Aside from Daniel, you’re the only one who F – – KED me. And I’m sure Elena already told you why her brother and I never had children despite being together for so long.”
I knew your husband was sterile. I just didn’t want to accept what you were saying because we were facing a monumental problem if it was true. I hoped you were fabricating a story to get my attention.
“Why don’t you take a test to be sure?”
“Later, I have a pregnancy kit with me. Don’t worry, Jeff. I know you’re suffering from another kind of impotence. You have no spine. You’re a boneless coward. You’re only good at one thing… f – – king. If I’m pregnant, I won’t chase you. I can face this problem alone.”
“Camille…” I attempted to grab your arm.
“Don’t touch me, you spineless coward.” You stepped away, ensuring I wouldn’t be able to touch you.
“It would be fun if I were pregnant, right? You’ll have two children next year. Both firstborns. WOW!!! You’re amazing.”
You left me on the terrace with those biting words. The joy and peace I felt a few weeks ago vanished like a popped bubble. From the terrace, I watched as a light drizzle began, soon turning into a heavy downpour accompanied by strong winds.
“Dad… call Daniel. He’s in the orchard at the back. Tell him lunch is ready.”
I felt like I was floating as I walked to the back of the house to call Daniel.
“Daniel… , they say it’s time to eat.”
“Okay, Jeff. Oh… by the way. Do you want to learn how to handle a gun? I’ll teach you how to shoot.”
I nodded absently, my mind reeling. What would happen if Camille was truly pregnant? What would Elena, Daniel, and their mother say if they found out I got Camille pregnant?
As we entered the house, Daniel placed his bullets and gun on the living room table. The rain had intensified, signaling the storm’s arrival.
“Oh, Daniel… son… Be careful when using your gun, okay?”
“Yes, Mom. I took it out again because I’m planning to attend a shooting competition in Baguio next month.”
“Alright, you can start now. Eat up, kids,” their mother said.
“Wait, where’s Camille?”
“She’s in the bathroom, feeling unwell. She said we should go ahead and eat,” Elena replied.
Daniel stood up and went to the bathroom. You probably forgot to lock the door as he pushed it open.
Though the conversation was muffled, we could hear your voices inside.
“It looks like they’re having a serious conversation in there. It seems like they had another argument. Oh, Elena, what trouble has your brother caused this time?”
“Just let them be, Mom. Let’s just eat,” Elena responded.
Elena started eating, but I couldn’t bring myself to take a bite. An inexplicable anxiety gnawed at me.
After a while, Daniel emerged from the bathroom. You were not with him. He approached Elena and angrily placed a pregnancy test on the table. It was positive.
I could only close my eyes, feeling the weight of the problem that had just surfaced, one I wasn’t sure I could handle. Fate may not have wheels… but karma does, and I felt it was about to run me over. The boomerang I threw was coming back, and it seemed I couldn’t catch it without getting hurt.
The rain pounded heavily on the tin roof like stones falling.
“No… it’s not mine. I’ve known I’m pregnant for a while, so I don’t need to use this.”
Their mother closed her eyes, bowed her head, and shook it slowly.
“Maybe you… you know, you might not be…”
“Don’t take me for a fool, Elena. Just last week, I had another check-up. I was still hoping to get Camille pregnant. But no… I’m still sterile… STERILE.”
Before anyone could move, Daniel grabbed the gun from the side table. He stormed back to the bathroom, dragging you out by your hair. You struggled mightily to break free.
What did I do? Nothing. I should have defended you. You were right… I have no backbone. I’m a coward.
“Son, calm down.”
“Brother… brother…!!!”
I stood there like a stump, doing nothing. I just waited for whatever retribution was due to me for all the foolish things I had done. I wanted to run out of the house, escape, and disappear into thin air.
Daniel dragged you to our room. We followed, but he slammed the door shut. It didn’t close properly, and Elena tried to enter.
“Nobody interferes!”
Elena’s attempt to enter was halted, perhaps because her brother pointed the gun at her.
“Who is your man? WHO?”
The gun went off.
“Oh, merciful God,” their mother said, attempting to enter the room, but Elena stopped her.
“Who is your man, I asked? You slut, who got you pregnant?”
We could do nothing outside the room. We just listened and waited. I just waited for you to say my name.
“How does it feel, Daniel? It hurts, right? That was you… raising your voice on your husband for the first time.
“That’s how much it hurt when you once brought your woman to our house. You thought I already left home for the market. I saw you undressed each other. I saw how you F – – KED her. How many times did I see you enter her house? I followed you many times because I wanted to prove the rumors about you two were true.”
“I left her, didn’t I? I changed, didn’t I? I promised to fix myself… our life, didn’t I?”
“It was too late when you changed, Daniel. I had already dirtied myself before you decided to change. I had already fallen in love with someone else before you changed. I had already betrayed you before you decided to change. I was already F – – KED…”
And the gun went off again… once… twice… thrice.
Silence fell in the room. Silence fell in the house. The only sound was the rain hitting the roof.
Sleep was a distant memory, replaced by the relentless echo of your name. Though I’d made my choice, tethering myself to Elena and our unborn child, the pull towards you remained a stubborn ember. My feelings for you, a complex tapestry woven with threads of longing and regret, refused to unravel. In a world without the weight of impending fatherhood, our paths would have diverged from Sagada, hand in hand.
A dull ache pulsed in my temples as I pushed myself out of bed. Elena was lost in slumber; her peaceful face contrasted with my turmoil. The kitchen offered a momentary respite, and a black coffee was the only solace I could find.
The terrace could offer a momentary respite to clear my head. But fate had other plans. There you were, a tableau of domestic bliss, your head nestled on Daniel’s shoulder. A bitter bile rose in my throat as jealousy, a venomous serpent, slithered through my veins.
“Oh, you’re up already,” Daniel said.
“Yeah, I got up early. I have to prepare my things. I’m heading to Marlboro Hills later.”
“It’s beautiful there, Jeff. You’ll enjoy taking pictures. Sorry for the trouble we caused last night.”
“That’s okay, Daniel.”
“By the way, I’ll go ahead. I need to tend to our vegetable garden.”
“Oh, I see. Alright, take care, brother.”
“I’m the only one going. Camille will stay here for now. I’ll pick her up this afternoon.”
I opened the gate for your husband. After he left, I went back to the terrace. As I got closer to where you were sitting, you stood up. Your sudden rise was a silent declaration of war. Your hands, once soft, connected with my face twice with a stinging force. The world tilted, and I was suspended in a bubble of disbelief for a brief, disorienting moment.
“Why?” I asked, glancing inside the house to ensure no one saw what you did.
“Why? You don’t know why? What you did to me was far worse than these slaps.”
I managed to block your next slap.
“Stop it, Camille… stop it. Please forgive me.”
“Goddamn you, Jeff. Why did you do this to me? You pushed me in deeper instead of pulling me out of the quicksand I fell into.”
I shook my head.
“What’s your answer to my question last night? Didn’t you enjoy being with me? I’m asking you, not Daniel. What’s your answer?”
You started to cry. I gently guided you to sit down.
“Camille… let me explain.”
“I don’t need your explanation. It’s you I need. We can still leave. Later today… or even tomorrow… whenever you want.”
“Sorry, Camille… we can’t do that.”
“Why not? Why?”
I shook my head as I looked at you. You kicked me in the leg.
“Get away from me.”
I retreated to the far end of the terrace, your sobs a mournful symphony that echoed in the still morning air. The weight of your anger pressed down on me, a crushing burden. I wanted to explain, to unravel the tangled mess of our lives, but words seemed inadequate. Your pain was tangible, a physical presence between us.
After a few moments, Elena came out of the room. She saw us on the terrace.
“Good morning, Ate Camille.”
You just smiled in response.
“Why do you look like you’ve been crying, Ate?”
“It’s nothing, I just remembered what happened yesterday.”
“Ah, I thought Jeff was making you cry,” Elena laughed. I knew my fiancée was just joking. You looked at me before smiling at Elena in response to what she said.
Then, Elena came over to me and kissed me on the cheek. You bowed your head, just like I did when you kissed Daniel. It seemed like you didn’t want to see Elena kiss me. Maybe it was jealousy, too.
“Your cheek looks red, Dad. What happened there?”
“Nothing… I just scratched it earlier. That’s why it’s red,” I said, trying to divert your attention by asking, “Is your mom still asleep?”
“Let’s just let her rest so she can get better soon.”
Elena took a sip of my coffee. “Oh… by the way, Ate Camille, I have good news for you.”
“Ha!? What is it?”
“Dad, why don’t you tell Ate Camille?”
“Oh. Why me?”
“Please, Dad… pleeeassseee!”
Reluctantly, I granted Elena’s request. “Camille… El… Elena is pregnant. Six weeks now.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Ate Camille.”
“Wow… well, congratulations to both of you. You’re going to be parents.”
You smiled as you said that. Your forced smile was a mask concealing a tempest of emotions. I saw the flicker of defeat in your eyes, starkly contrasting the joy she was feigning. Your arm, once resting confidently on the chair, now hung limply, a silent confession of her despair. It was a tableau of pain, a silent plea for solace.
“Thank you. Of course, we’ll ask you to be the godmother… right, Dad?”
I nodded. “Ah… sure… sure. Why not.”
When you said that, it seemed like you wanted to burst into tears, especially when Elena lifted her shirt like a child and placed my hand on her belly.
“Hold on, I’ll go inside and lie down again. I have a headache.”
“Oh… that’s a hangover, Camille. Alright, rest well. I’ll go cook breakfast now.”
You and Elena went inside the house together. It was a silent exodus that left me alone with my thoughts. Elena disappeared into the kitchen while you collapsed onto the sofa, your back turned to me. You seemed to be a fortress of solitude, shielding your vulnerability from my probing gaze. I couldn’t decipher the storm within you—sorrow, anger, or a mix of both.
**********
After that day, you and Daniel only visited the house once a week, usually on a Sunday. It was obvious you were avoiding me whenever you were at the house. Those Sundays became a ritual of avoidance, a carefully choreographed dance around the elephant in the room. Not once did we have a conversation alone. But that’s probably for the best because I didn’t want to give Elena any more reason to doubt us—if she had any doubts at all.
Aside from no families being broken, one positive outcome of my not showing up at our meeting that day is the changes I’ve seen in your husband. Your mother-in-law, who will also be my mother-in-law, says Daniel is completely different now. Once trapped in a shadowy world, Daniel now radiated a newfound sense of purpose. If what she says is true, he hasn’t touched alcohol since the day we were supposed to leave Elena and him. And maybe if what I saw in his clutch bag back then was drugs, perhaps he has quit that too.
The following month and a few days had good weather. There were no heavy rains, just occasional light drizzles that didn’t last long. Because of this, Elena and I could visit the places I wanted to go to for the pictures and videos I needed. Taking care of Elena and my travel vlog kept me busy during those days.
We chose the following week as the schedule for our civil wedding because we would be returning to Pasig the week after that. Elena was three months pregnant by then. Only my father, mother, and one sibling would attend because it would just be a simple wedding. I promised Elena that the grand wedding would be after she gave birth.
The rooster’s crow was a rusty blade scraping against my conscience. Sleep had been a stranger the entire night, replaced by a relentless loop of “Camille or Elena?” Shame burned in my throat as I glanced at the clock – almost nine. Elena, bless her heart, had taken the other room to care for her sick mother.Stepping onto the terrace, the cool mountain air slapped me awake. Elena and her mother were already there, their worried expressions deepening as they saw me.
“You had a good sleep, didn’t you, son? It’s almost nine o’clock,” said Elena’s mother.
“I walked quite a distance yesterday. They said I was almost at Marlboro Hills.”
“Ah… so, Dad, did you see Marlboro Hills already?”
“Not really. I was running out of time, so I headed back to visit the mini rice terraces. Next time, I’ll go there.”
“I see. Dad, do you plan to go out today?”
“Huh? Uh… I’m not sure. We’ll see later.”
“Okay, wait for me before you leave. We’re just going to the clinic in town with mom. We’re leaving, just waiting for you to wake up.”
“We’ll leave you for now, Jeff.”
“Alright, take care.”
“I’ll buy some cooked dishes for our lunch later,” Elena said before they left.
Alone in the house, I paced like a caged animal. The weight of my choice pressed down on me, a suffocating burden. Elena, a future filled with comfort and familiarity. Camille, a passionate whirlwind that threatened to upend everything. I set a deadline for myself – a decision by lunch.
It was almost noon when Elena and her mother returned. Fortunately, I had already cooked some rice. I helped Elena prepare the food on the table.
“Jeff, Elena has a surprise for you later.”
“A surprise Mom? What is it?”
“It’s a surprise, after all. Elena will tell you herself.”
Elena just smiled when she looked at me. I thought maybe she bought something for me in town.
Once the table was set, we started eating. At that moment, I wondered if you were already at the hut. I thought about what would happen if I decided to go with you and leave Sagada. My thoughts were interrupted when Elena tried to feed me some food.
Then, her mother spoke.
“Elena, give Jeff your surprise now.”
“Oh, right.”
“What is it, Mommy?”
“Hold on… you’re too excited.”
Elena stood up and grabbed her shoulder bag. She took something out and handed it to me.
IThe pregnancy test felt like a live grenade in my hand. Positive. Those two red lines burned into my retinas. Relief warred with terror in my chest as I saw Elena’s radiant smile. Elena was pregnant. I couldn’t speak right away.
“Oh, it looks like you’re not excited, Dad.”
Once I collected myself, I squeezed Elena’s hand, a silent apology tangled with a burgeoning sense of responsibility. The turmoil within me remained a locked box, but for now, this child was my anchor. Maybe, I thought with a sliver of hope, the universe had intervened, a divine hand steering me away from a path of destruction.
“I was just surprised, Mommy. But you don’t know how happy I am. I’m going to be a father.”
“… and I’m finally going to be a grandmother. I want you to get married at the courthouse as soon as possible. Just a simple celebration. I don’t want people here to see my daughter pregnant without knowing you got married.”
“Yes, Mom. I’ll call my parents later, and Elena and I will tell them our plans.”
Elena was thrilled with what she heard. I caressed her cheek, and she kissed my hand.
“Oh… finish your meal quickly, Dad. You have plans.”
“Huh… I don’t feel like going out anymore. I’d rather stay here by your side.”
“Aww, my Dad suddenly became sweet. Just yesterday, you were so grumpy.”
I still thought of you amid those conversations. You are the reason I could leave Elena, but now I’ve found a reason not to choose you – Elena’s bearing my first child. I don’t need to think any further, and maybe when you learn why I didn’t meet you at our rendezvous, you’ll understand.
Perhaps I can say that the Lord answered my prayer. Let’s just say that the Lord foresaw the future and knew I would be in this situation, so He granted Elena a child to prevent me from doing something foolish.
This doesn’t mean I now believe in fate… that destiny has wheels. The Lord gave us two gifts. The first is life, and the second is the freedom to make any decision we want. He doesn’t interfere with which path we take. I know that the sadness and failures we experience are not punishments from Him. Those are the results of our wrong decisions.
However, sometimes the Lord does favor those He cherishes. I’m not saying He favored me, but Elena. My fiancée is a very good person. I’m not saying you’re not a good person. I have no right to judge you because I am also not pleasing in the eyes of the Lord.
What’s frightening is karma. I feared that Daniel might be punished for the wrongs he did to you. I also feared we might be punished for the infidelities we committed and the wrong we intended to do. I just hope that since we didn’t go through with our plan, we won’t face retribution.
**********
That night, we were awakened by the continuous honking of a car. Elena and I came out of the room, as did her mother. We peered out the window.
“Mom, could you please open the gate?”
It was Daniel calling.
“Jeff, please open the gate,” her mother said.
I opened the gate. Daniel drove the car in, quickly got out, and opened the back door. You stepped out, almost stumbling, so your husband decided to carry you inside the house.
You were soaking wet, and if I’m not mistaken, you seemed drunk.
Daniel laid you on the sofa in the living room. Their mother quickly went into the bedroom, got a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and changed you out of your wet clothes. I turned away while they dressed you together.
“Why don’t you ever carry an umbrella when you know it’s the rainy season?” their mother said.
“What happened to Camille?” Elena asked.
“She left the house before noon, said she was going somewhere. She took her shoulder bag and a large plastic bag.”
“Wait, let me wipe her face with warm water,” Elena said.
Daniel continued his story.
“When it got dark and she hadn’t returned, I started looking for her. Someone mentioned that around three o’clock, she bought wine and beer at the store and seemed to head into the woods towards the mini rice terraces. I thought she might be at the hut, so I went there. That’s where I found her.”
I just listened to their conversation. There was nothing I could say. I felt so sorry for your condition. I wanted to blame myself. I hope you can forgive me, but I can’t leave Elena, I can’t abandon the child that soon we’re going to have.
“Her plastic bag was full of clothes. I think Camille was planning to leave me.”
We all fell silent for a moment.
“That’s why, Daniel, you need to think things over. Treat Camille better. She told us she wants to separate from you.”
“Yes, Mom. When I realized she was planning to leave me, I understood that I don’t want to lose her. I’ll try to save our marriage. I’ll try to change, Mom.”
As Elena wiped your face with a cloth soaked in warm water, you suddenly opened your eyes. Our gazes met.
“I thought you loved me. But you didn’t. You just led me on.”
I was shocked when you said that. Elena looked at me, confused.
“Weren’t you satisfied with the way I f—– you? Wasn’t it good enough for you?”
Your words hung heavy in the air, a scathing indictment of my betrayal. Elena’s gaze darted between us, the first crack appearing in the facade of her happiness. It was a confused look, but the seed of doubt was sown.
“Ca… Camille… It’s Jeff… I’m not Daniel.”
“Ha!? Is that so?” you said.
Then you started laughing uncontrollably.
“So, you’re Jeff… not Daniel. Well, sorry then.”
“Oh, it looks like Camille is delirious,” said Elena’s mother.
“Yes, it seems so. She probably mistook Jeff for me,” said your husband.
Relief washed over me as you drifted off to sleep, a temporary truce declared. But Elena’s furrowed brow, a silent storm brewing, sent a fresh wave of unease crashing over me. The weight of my choices, for better or worse, had settled in. The consequences, like a gathering storm, loomed on the horizon.
M.A.D. LIGAYA
M.A.D. L I G A Y A 