TATSULOK (2)
(2nd of 3 Parts)
Pinapakinggan ko lang si M. Napakaganda ng hugis ng kanyang labi, Kaygandang pagmasdan ng bibig niya habang siya’y nagsasalita at kapag siya ay ngumingiti.
“Gusto ko lang mag-enjoy ngayong gabi kaya ako nandito, naiinip kasi ako sa bahay. Niyaya ko kanina ang bestfriend ko na gumimik, tinawagan ko siya. Pero hindi daw siya puwede, bukas na lang daw niya ipapaliwanag sa akin kung bakit. Kaya heto, gumimik akong mag-isa.”
“Ganoon ba. Gusto mo palang mag-enjoy eh bakit naman iyong problemadong katulad ko ang napili mong lapitan.”
“Mas gusto ko kasing kausap iyong mga lalaking hindi kasundo ng mga asawa nila.” Ang sagot niya sabay dantay ng kanyang kamay sa aking hita. May kuryenteng gumapang sa aking pagkatao.
Game siya.
“Hoy, joke lang ha. Baka mag-init ang…haha…ulo mo.”
Mapanukso ang mga kilos ni M. Gusto kong tumayo at iwan sya at baka kung saan pa makarating ang mga biro nya. Para kasing lasing na siya. May problema akong kinakaharap, pilit nga akong humahanap ng kalutasan. Natatakot akong baka isang problema nanaman ang aking kakaharapin kapag hindi ako umiwas.
Ngunit parang ang hirap niyang iwanan. Parang ayaw kong gawin iyon. Kaylangan ko din ng kakuwentuhan kaya sinakyan ko na lang ang trip niya.
Ibinuhos ko ang laman ng pangatlong bote ng beer sa aking baso.
“Kumuha ka nga pala ng soft drinks.”
“Softdrinks? Ang corny mo ha. Gusto ko rin ng beer, at gusto ko sa baso mo rin ako iinom,” ang wika nito sabay hila ng kanyang upuan upang lalong lumapit sa akin. “Don’t worry, wala akong rabies.”
Habang umiinom kami gamit ang iisang baso, tinanong niya ako kung puwede akong magkwento tungkol sa aking problema. Nagpaunlak ako. Sinimulan ko sa pagpapakasal namin ni Vicky, ang mga ginawa kong pagsisikap upang mapaghandaan ang aming kinabukasan, at ang mga pinagdaanan ko upang maitaguyod ang aming pagsasama. Pagkatapos niyon ay isiniwalat ko ang aking sama ng loob sa aking asawa, ang pagiging mataray nito at kaiklian ng pasensiya, at ang kanyang pagiging immature sa maraming bagay. Ngunit inamin ko rin na kahit ganoon ay mahal na mahal ko siya.
Ang paglilitanya ko’y naputol ng tumunog ang cellphone ni M. Lumabas siya ng videoke bar upang sagutin iyon. Noon ko napansin na naka-sampung bote ng beer na pala kami.
Ilang sandali pa’y bumalik na si M. “Tumawag ang katulong ko,” wika niya. “Dumating daw kasi sa bahay ang bestfriend ko. Iyong sinabi ko sa iyo kanina. Gusto daw akong makita. Bukas pa sana siya pupunta sa bahay kasama ng kanyang dyowa. Mukhang namiss ako ni bes.
Nakinig lang ako sa kanya.
“Mabalik tayo sa problema mo, Napansin ko lang, Bakit parang puro yata negative ang mga sinabi mo sa aking tungkol sa asawa mo?”
Hindi ko nasagot ang sinabing iyon ni M.
“Anyway. Hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang nangyari sa inyo. Mas kilala ninyo ang isa’t isa. Eh ano na ang balak mong gawin ngayon?”
Hindi ko alam. Bahala na.” Sagot ko sa kanya.
Umakbay sa akin si M. Hinalikan ako sa pisngi at sinabing – “Halika, labas tayo.”
“Ha!? Saan naman tayo pupunta?”
Napatingin sa akin si M.
“Ganoon? Hindi mo alam?”
Noon ko napagtanto kung ano ang ibig sabihin ni M. Parang napahiya pa ako dahil parang napakaestupido ko para hindi ko malaman kung saan gustong magyaya ni M. Pero, hindi ko talaga kaagad naisip iyon.
“Tara na, maiinsulto ako kapag tumanggi ka.” Hinawakan niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko.
Unti-unting akong iniiwan ng tamang pangangatwiran. Nilunod na marahil ng alak ang kakayahan kong timbangin kung alin ang tama at mali. Para akong naging sunod-sunuran kay M. Isa siyang tuksong napakahirap tanggihan. Para siyang apoy na nakakadarang at ako naman ay isang kahoy na pinarupok ng kinasadlakan kong suliranin. Kay dali kong nagliyab.
Pagkakuha ko ng chit at mabayaran ay lumabas kami. Papara sana ako ng taxi pero pinigilan niya ako.
“Marunong ka bang mag-drive?”
Tumango ako. Iniabot ni M sa akin ang isang susi.
“Hayun ang CR-V ko. Doon tayo sasakay. Sa bahay ko tayo pupunta.”
Nang nasa loob na kami ng sasakyan niya ay binuksan niya ang navigation device nito.
“Ise-set ko na ito. Sundan mo na lang.”
Habang ako’y nagda-drive ay nakapatong sa hita ko ang isang kamay ni M. Naidlip siya.
Napakainit ng kamay niyang iyon. Nakakapaso. Bangkay lamang ang hindi makakaramdaman ng init sa ganoong pagkakataon. At ako ay buhay.
Mula ng ikasal kami ni Vicky ay sa pagkakataong iyon lamang ako muling sumama sa isang babae. Noong nag-aaral pa ako sa kolehiyo at bago magpakasal ay may kapilyuhan. Subalit pinilit kong magbago alang-alang sa aking asawa. Subalit pakiramdam ko’y nababale-wala lamang lahat ng iyon.
Naisip ko sa oras na iyon na noon lamang ako makakaranas na lumabas kasama ang isang babaeng katulad ni M. Batid kong kalimitan na pera lamang ang habol ng mga babaeng katulad niya. At handa ako sa pagkakataong iyon. Pero nagtataka akong sa bahay pa niya kami pupunta, bakit hindi na lamang sa isang motel.
Pilit pa rin akong umiisip ng paraan upang makaiwas. Pero wala na. Subong-subo na ako.
Nasa isang subdivision ang bahay niya. Maganda’t malaki ang bahay ni M, kumpleto ang gamit. Ang sabi niya’y katas ng Japan lahat ng iyon. Iyon daw ang mga pinagpaguran niya sa ilang taong pagtatrabaho doon.
Walang sumalubong sa amin. Marahil tulog na ang mga kasama niya sa bahay. Sa kuwarto niya kami tumuloy. Naupo kami sa kanyang kama. Humawak siya sa aking baywang at inihilig ang kangyang ulo sa kaliwa kong balikat.
“Sino ba ang mga kasama mo dito.” Tanong ko sa kanya.
“Ang asawa ko,” mabilis niyang sagot na ikinagulat ko.
“Joke, joke, joke! Natakot ka ano? Hoy, dalaga pa ako ano.”
Tumayo ito, tumalikod at walang kiyemeng hinubad ang suot na jeans at t-shirt habang lumalapit sa kanyang aparador. Isinunod hubarin ang kanyang bra. Mula sa kinauupuan ko’y kitang-kita ko ang magandang hubog ng kanyang katawan.
Nang muli siyang lumapit sa akin ay suot na niya ang isang manipis na pantulog.
“Sino kako ang kasama mo dito.” Muli kong tanong.
“Kami lang ng kapatid kong babae at tatlong katulong ang nakatira dito. Ulilang lubos na kami. Ang kapatid ko’y nasa Baguio ngayon. Siyanga nga pala, teka lang ha, diyan ka muna, silipin ko lang ang bestfriend ko. Magsa-shower na rin ako doon.”
Bago siya lumabas ay humalik siya sa aking labi. At pagkatapos ay itinulak ako pahiga sa kama niya.
“Don’t go away… I’ll be back!”
Lumabas siya ng kuwarto. Nanatili akong nakahiga sa kama. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata. Hindi ko na kontrolado ang pagkakataon. May pagkakataon na akong umalis. Pero parang ang hirap gawin. Ayaw kong gawin.
Bumangon ako’t pumasok sa CR sa kuwarto niya.
Nagshower ako. Nagbabakasaling mahimasmasan ako kapag nadampian ang bungo ko ng malamig na tubig.
Walang epekto. Kapag pumipikit ako’y si M na nakasuot ng manipis na pantulog ang sumasagi sa isip ko.
Hinayaan ko na kung saan ako dadalhin ng agos ng kapalaran. Nilunod ba ng alak ang ang pag-iisip o nabihag ako ng kagandahan taglay ni M? O gusto ko lang ibsan ang mga hinanakit ko kay Vicky?
**********
Nang bumalik si M sa kuwarto’y may dala itong kape.
“Maupo muna tayo dito sa sahig,” ang paanyaya niya.
Pagkaupo ko’y humiga naman siya nakatagilid na paharap sa akin, itinukod nito ang isang kamay sa ulo. Pareho kaming humihigop ng kape habang nag-uusap.
Napakanipis talaga ng pantulog na suot niya. Hindi ko mapigilang hagurin ng tingin ang kanayang kabubuan – mukha, dibdib, puson, pababa sa hita. At hindi lingid iyon sa kanya.
“O, relax ka lang.” Pabiro nitong sabi.
Nangiti ako sa tinuran niyang iyon.
“O, kumusta na ang bisita mo?” Ang tanong ko sa kanya.
“Buntis daw siya. Kukuhanin daw akong ninang. Saka na lang daw ako bumalik sa Japan pagkapanganak niya. Kako, loka ba siya. Kaylangang kong bumalik doon hanggang next month. Pero nagngako ako sa kanyang babalik ako dito kapag nagpabinyag na siya.”
“Ano ang sabi niya?”
“Okay daw… Hayun, natulog na. Sabi ko kasi na may bisita akong guwapo. Sabi niya hinay-hinay lang daw. Sagot ko sa kanya na hindi ko maipapangako sa kanya iyon. Kako depende sa iyo.”
“Naku, napakapilya mo talaga.”
Ilang sandali pa’y naubos na ang kape namin. May namagitan sa amin na sandali ng katahimikan. Nagkakatinginan lamang kami.
“Kaya mo ba akong buhatin?” Ang tanong niya.
Pinaunlakan ko ang kanyang hamon. Binuhat ko siya at dahan-dahang inihiga sa kama.
Mula sa pagkakahiga’y tumayo siya sa harapan ko.
Mahigpit niya akong niyakap at pagkatapos ay marundob na humalik sa aking labi.
Napakainit nang mga labi niya. Nakakapaso.
Umupo siya sa gilid na kama.
Tumingala siya’t tumingin sa akin… habang ibinababa niya ang zipper ng aking pantalon.
Hindi na ako nakaiwas.
Ayaw kong umiwas.
Hindi ako bato.
Hindi ako santo.
**********
Nang idilat ko ang aking mga mata kinabukasan ang nakangiting si M ang bumungad sa akin. Nakaupo ito sa may sahig at sa harapan niya’y may dalawang tasa ng kape.
“Good morning! Halika na, kape muna tayo. Hay naku, day off pala ng mga katulong ko ngayon. Kaaalis lang nila. Pero may nagluluto sa baba, iyong bestfriend ko. Mabuti na nga lang at dumating siya. At mukhang ayaw pang umuwi.”
Tumango lamang ako. Bigla kong naalaala si Vicky. Kinuha ko ang aking mga damit at pumasok ako sa CR. Doo’y naghilamos ako at nanalamin. Noon ko unti-unting napagisip-isip kung ano ang ginagawa ko. May problema akong mabigat, pero hindi ko man lang naisip na mukhang problema din itong aking pinapasukan.
Sa isip ko’y may bahid ng pagsisisi sa nangyari sa amin ni M. Alam kong hindi dapat nangyari iyon. Pero magsisi man ako’y nangyari na ang nangyari.
Paglabas ko ng CR ay umupo ako sahig sa harapan niya. Habang hinihigop ko ang kape’y iniisip ko si Vicky. Maaring nakabalik na siya ng bahay. Iniisip ko kung ano ang mangyayari sa amin kapag nagkita kami. Bahala na siya kung anong desisyon ang kanyang gagawin. Nakahanda na ako kung humantong man sa hiwalayan ang problema namin.
“Ang lalim ng inisip mo ah! Asawa mo ba? Wow, selos ako niyan,” ang biro sa akin ni M.
Ngiti lang ang isinagot ko sa kanyang mga sinabi. Wala naman akong dapat ipaliwanag sa kanya. At pareho naming alam na wala kaming responsibilidad sa isa’t isa. Ang nangyari’y nangyari na. At maaring hanggang doon na lang iyon.
Pinagmasdan ko ang magandang mukha ni M. Naalaala ko ang nagdaang magdamag. Sumagi sa isip ko na ano kaya kung seryosohin ko ito kapag nagkahiwalay kami ng asawa ko. Eh ano kung Japayuki siya, puede naman siyang magbago kapag magkasama na kami. Kaya ko siyang baguhin. Pero sa palagay ko’y hindi ako niya seseryosohin. Ang nangyari sa amin ay isang “one night stand” lang. Pag-alis ko sa bahay niya ay siguradong makakalimutan niya agad ako.
“Hoy! Baka matunaw ako sa titig mong iyan.”
Pagkatapos niyang sabihin iyon ay lumapit siya sa at humilig siya sa aking kanang balikat. Hinawakan ko ang pisngi nito. Para bang nakaramdam ako ng panghihinayang kay M.
siya at naupo sa upuan sa harap ng kanyang tokador. Nagsusuklay siya habang nakaharap sa salamin. Ako nama’y naupo sa kanyang kama’t pinagmamasdan ko siya.
“Sana ay huwag mong isipin na gabi-gabi ay may isinasama ako dito na lalake.”
“Hindi ako nag-iisip ng ganyan.” Ang tugon ko. “Hindi ako mapanghusgang tao.”
“Salamat naman kung ganoon. Maniniwala ka bang ikaw pa lamang ang unang lalake na isinama ko dito sa bahay? Gusto ko lang talagang magkaroon ng ka-date kagabi. Aywan ko ba, bigla na lang kasi akong nalungkot kahapon, para bang naramdaman kong gusto ko ng may kasama.
Tumatango-tango lamang ako habang nakikinig sa kanya.
Tumigil siya ng pagsusuklay at humarap sa akin.
“At saka alam mo, iba ang dating mo sa akin, aywan ko ba. Kung mga teenagers nga lang tayo baka sabihin kong na-love at first sight ako sa iyo. Corny ko ano, pero totoo iyon. Gusto talaga kita.”
Pilit kong inuunawa ang sinasabi ni M.
“Naiintindihan mo ba ako?”
“Oo naman. Natutuwa ako sa mga naririnig ko. Salamat.” Sagot ko sa kanya.
Totoo ang sagot kong iyon. Nakakatuwa ang mga sinabi niya. Pero sayang na sayang dahil gustuhin ko man ay hindi puwedeng ipagpatuloy kung ano man ang nasimulan namin. Sa araw na iyon ay pareho namin iyong tutuldukan.
TATSULOK (1)
(1st of 3 Parts)
Pinihit ko ang doorknob. Hindi ko maitulak pabukas ang pinto ng aming kuwarto, mabigat. Nakasandal doon si Vicky, kapag bubuksan ko ang pinto’y itutulak nito pasara . Impit man ang iyak ng aking asawa’y naririnig ko mula sa salas sa dahilang sakmal na ng katahimikan ang paligid. Halos hatinggabi na kasi noon at ang tanging maririnig ay ang manaka-nakang pagtahol ng aso sa labas at ang ugong ng trycycle na naghahatid-sundo ng mga trabahador sa isang pabrika malapit sa amin.
Muli kong pinihit ang doorknob at dahan-dahan ko itong binuksan subalit hindi ko pa ito masyadong naiaawang ay itinulak nanaman niya pasara kasabay ang isang malakas na bulyaw.
“Lumayas ka rito, wala kang kuwentang tao, demonyo ka!”
Tiyak kong narinig ng aming mga kapitbahay ang kalabog ng pinto at sigaw na iyon ni Vicky. Maliban na lang kung natutulog na sila. Halos dikit-dikit kasi ang mga kabahayan sa lugar namin. Nahihiya ako sa dahilang alam nilang isa akong guro. May mga estudyante pa naman akong nakatira malapit sa amin.
“Buksan mo ito, mag-usap tayo ng maayos,” ang pakiusap ko sa aking asawa. “At please lang, huwag ka namang sumigaw o, nakakahiya sa mga kapitbahay natin.”
“Wala akong pakialaman sa kanila, umalis ka na rito, wala na tayong dapat pagusapan pa. How dare you say na nakakahiya samantalang ikaw itong nagsisisigaw kanina.”
Hindi na ako nagpumilit pumasok. Batid ko kung paano magalit si Vicky at alam ko rin kung papaano ako mainis. Tiyak na lalala ang away namin. Minabuti kong bumalik na lamang sa salas. Doon tumambad sa aking paningin ang mga kalat sa sahig dahilan upang manumbalik sa aking ala-ala ang nangyari sa nakaraan mga sandali.
Alas-nuwebe na ng maka-uwi ako galing sa pinagtuturuan kong kolehiyo, pang-gabi kasi ang klase ko kapag MWF.
Mababaw lang dahilan ng hindi namin pagkakaintidihan ng gabing iyon – medyas. Ubod kasi ng sinop ang aking asawa at ayaw na ayaw nitong nakakakita ng kalat lalo na kung bagong linis ang bahay. Pero hindi ko naman sinasadyang lumampas pala ang mga medyas ko sa lagayan ng maduming damit nang ihagis ko doon ang aking pinagbihisan. At hindi nga nalingat sa pansin ni Vicky ang mga medyas na nagkalat sa sahig.
“Ano nanaman bang kalat ito, kalilinis ko lang ah. Pulutin mo nga!” Halatang inis ang aking kabiyak.
“Sige, mamaya na lang, maghain ka muna’t gutom na gutom na ako.”
“Bahala ka, kapag hindi mo pinulot iyan, hindi kita ipaghahain.”
Sa narinig kong iyon ay gusto kong mainis, subalit may maikli pang pisi akong nahila sa aking pasensya. At para wala ng diskusyon, pinulot ko na ang medyas at inihagis sa dapat kalagyan.
“Ganyan… that’s my boy! Susunod ka din pala eh…” Patuyang sabi ni Vicky sabay bukas ng gas stove upang iinit ang aming pagkain.
Ang pagod at gutom ko’y nahaluan pa ng kaunting inis. Pinili kong manahimik na lamang dahil ayaw ko ng away.
Nang makapaghain siya’y tinawag ako upang kumain. Sa lamesa ay wala akong kibo, hindi dahil sa inis. Wala na sa isip ko ang nangyari ilang minuto lang ang nakalipas. Sa nagmamahalan ay maliit na bagay lamang iyon. Pagod lamang ako kaya ganoon. Iniisip ko rin ang mga patong-patong na gawain sa iskul.
May sinabi si Vicky. Naulinigan ko ang ilang bahagin ng sinabi niya pero wala roon ang aking atensyon.
“Hoy! Ano ba! Salita ako ng salita, hindi mo ako pinapansin.”
“Ha, eh…” bigla akong naalimpungatan. “Pasensiya na… may iniisip kasi ako. Ano nga iyon? Doktor, ba kamo? Galing ka ba sa doktor, may sakit ka ba?
“Wala, kalimutan mo na iyon, basta naman tungkol sa akin ay…”
“Mommy, please, huwag mo nang ituloy.” Hindi ko hinayaang matapos pa ni Vicky ang gusto niyang sabihin. “Sorry na, medyo lumilipad lang ng kaunti ang isip ko kanina.”
Walang akong narinig na tugon mula sa aking asawa, nakatitig lamang ito sa kanyang pinggan.
At parang nag-asal bata si Vicky. Malumanay na pinapalo-palo ang kanyang pinggan ng hawak na kutsara. Walang tigil niyang ginagawa iyon, paulit-ulit.
Pinilit kong huwag na lamang siyang pansinin. Patuloy lang ako sa pagkain.
Maya-maya pa’y nagsimula akong mairita sa ginagawa nito. Nakiusap akong iyon ay kanyang tigilan. “Mommy , kain ka na, sorry na. Pagod lang ako kaya’t parang lutang ang isip ko.” Habang sinasabi ko iyon ay masuyo kong hinahaplos ang pisngi niya.
Walang epekto. Patuloy pa rin siya sa ginagawa. Sadya nga yatang nang-iinis.
At ganoon na nga ang nangyari. Napundi na ako.
“Ayaw mo ba talagang tumigil, ha!” Pasigaw kong sabi sabay hawak sa kanyang kamay. Pilit kong inagaw ang kutsara. Napahigpit yata ang hawak ko sa kanyang kamay. Pinalo niya ng tinidor ang aking kamay.
Nasaktan ako. Mabilis ang aking naging reaksyon. Hinila ko siya papunta sa aming upuan sa sala at doo’y patulak ko siyang iniupo. Nagdidilim na ang paningin ko noon, hindi na ako makapagisip ng malinaw. Nasaktan marahil sa pagkakasadlak ko sa kanya sa upuan, sinipa ako ni Vicky sa aking hita dahilan upang sa unang pagkakataon ay masampal ko siya. Galit na galit na ako noon, parang gusto kong muli siyang sampalin. Mabuti na lamang at ako’y nakapagpigil at ang napagbalingan ko ng galit ay ang chessboard na nakapatong sa aming lamesita . Inihampas ko iyon ng buong lakas sa aming sahig kasabay ang isang malakas na sigaw, “Sobra ka na!”. Nagkalasog-lasog ang chessboard at nagsalimbayan kung saan-saan ang mga piyesa sa loob nito. Napatayo ang asawa ko at dali-daling pumasok sa aming kuwarto.
Gigil na gigil ako, gusto kong muling sumigaw, gusto kong magwala, gusto kong sundan sa loob ng kuwarto si Vicky at komprontahin. Napatunayan ko sa pagkakataong iyon na may dulo pala ang pisi ng aking pasensiya.
Mga ilang minuto lang at unti-unti napawi ang nagaalimpuyong galit sa aking dibdib. Gumapang muli ang katinuan sa nalalabuan kong pag-iisip. Noon ko napagisip-isip ang mga nangyari, ang mga nagawa ko.
Gusto ko ngang magpaliwanag kay Vicky, humingi ng patawad kaya ko siya sinundan sa kuwarto. Pero ayaw niya akong pakinggan.
Naupo ako’t nag-isip. Pinagmasdan ko ang paligid. Wala na, sira na ang chessboard na regalo ng mga estudyante ko noong nakaraan kaarawan ko. Wasak ito at ang ilang mga piyesa ng chess ay nagkasira-sira. Nakakahinayang din na nagkaroon ng lamat ang malaking salamin sa salas. Regalo pa naman iyon noong ikinasal kami ni Vicky. Tinamaan siguro iyon ng isang piyesa ng chess.
Naisip kong hindi pala ako mabuting tao. Sinaktan ko si Vicky. Isang bagay na ipinangako ko sa sarili kong kaylan man ay hinding-hindi ko gagawin. Nangako akong hindi ko tutularan ang aking ama na nakita kong minsan na sinampal ang aking nanay – pangakong nasira ng gabing iyon. Namamana ba ang pananankit sa asawa?
Hindi pala totoo ang madalas nilang sabihin na ako’y isang ulirang asawa. Wala nga akong bisyo. Wala rin sa bokubularyo ko ang alak at babae. Hindi rin ako mahilig sa barkada. Ganoon pa man, wala pa rin akong kuwentang asawa. Sinaktan ko si Vicky, nanakit ako ng babaeng walang kalaban-laban.
Alam kong mali na napagbuhatan ko siya ng kamay. Parang nasagad lang kasi ako. Sa limang taon naming pagsasama labis ang kabaitang ipinakita ko sa kanya. Wala na siyang masasabi pa. Aywan ko lang pero iyong ang pananaw ko. Wala nga akong masamang bisyo. Ni kusing walang bawas na ibinibigay ko sa kanya ang aking suweldo. Pagkagaling ko sa trabaho diretso ako kaagad ng bahay. Tinutulungan ko din naman siya sa mga gawaing-bahay kahit papaano. Wala akong nalalaman na puwede niyang isumbat sa akin.
Hindi ko na alam kung paano magiging maganda ang aming pagsasama. Nakapagtataka na sa loob na isang linggo ay dalawa hanggang tatlong beses kaming mag-away at kadalasang mababaw lamang ang dahilan. Minsan sa panonood ng TV, ang gusto ko ay basketball, siya naman ay ang mga tele-serye. Kapag inilipat ko kahit sandali upang silipin lang ang score ay nagagalit kaagad ito. Makalimutan ko lang na isara ang pinto ng banyo, nakasigaw agad ito. At nang gabing iyon, hindi ko lang napansin na may sinasabi pala siya, ganoon ng ang nangyari. Adjustment period pa rin ba itong matatawag o talagang malabo kaming magkasundo.
Ang opinyon ng ibang tao ay kaya kami madalas mag-away ay dahil wala pa kaming anak. Sinadya naming magkontrol sa unang tatlong taon ng pagsasama namin. Noong gusto na namin ay hindi naman kami palarin na magkaroon ganoong ayon sa aming doktor ay pareho namin kaming walang diperensiya . Pero hindi ako naniniwala na iyon ang dahilan. Talagang napakarami naming incompatibilities.
Matagal akong nakatayo sa harap ng salamin. Hindi ko alintana ang ngalay. Tinitignan ko ang sarili kong repleksyon sa salamin. Parang kinakausap ko ito. Tinatanong ko kung ano na ang mangyayari, ano na ang dapat kong gawin. Naroong sumagi sa isip kong lumabas at maglibang na lamang. Naisipan ko ring layasan na lamang si Vicky o hamunin siya ng hiwalayan. Tutal, hindi din naman kami magkasundo. Ano ba ang saysay ng pagsasama namin kung lagi na lamang kaming nagbabangayan.
Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas. Bumukas ang pintuan ng aming kuwarto. Mula doo’y humahangos na lumabas ang aking asawa, may bitbit na malaking bag at dali-daling lumabas ng bahay at padabog na isinara ang pintuan.
Tila naunahan niya ako sa binabalak kong gawin.
Hindi ko pinigilan si Vicky, sinilip ko lamang siya mula sa bintana. Pinara nito ang dumaang tricycle at doo’y sumakay. Hindi ko maintindihan ang aking damdamin sa pagkakataong iyon. Parang nagsisisi ako na hindi ko siya pinigilan ngunit parang may bahagi rin ng pagkatao ko na nagagalak na umalis siya.
Iyon ang unang pagkakataong nagalsa-balutan si Vicky. Napagisip-isip kong baka lumaki ang ulo nito’t isipin na pipigilan ko pala siya sa ganoong pagkakataon at sa tuwing magaaway kami ay gagawin niyang panakot ang paglalayas. Kaya’t tama lamang na hindi ko siya pinigilan.
At pagod na rin akong maghabol, pagod na akong manuyo. Tuwing mayroon kaming hindi pagkakaintindihan, ako man o hindi ang may pagkukulang, ako ang nauunang sumusuko para lang matapos na ang aming gusot. Ayaw ko kasing nakikitang malungkot siya at nagdaramdam. Bukod doon, ayaw ko ring may mabigat akong dalahin sa isip o damdamin kapag humaharap ako sa mga estudyante sa klase. Naaapektuhan kasi ang performance ko sa trabaho.
Nawala na sa pandinig ko ang ugong ng makina ng tricycle na sinakyan ni Vicky. Mula sa harap ng salamin ay sumadlak ako sa sahig. Isinandal ko ang aking ulo sa pader at napatingin ako sa kisame. Pumikit ako at muling nag-isip. Muling pumasok sa isip ko ang makipag-hiwalay na lamang sa aking asawa. Maraming beses ko siyang inuunawa, lagi na lamang ako ang nagpapaubaya. Pakiramdam ko’y wala ng mangyayaring maganda sa pagsasama namin. Mas madalas kaming mag-away kaysa maglambingan. Sabagay, baka iyon din naman ang gusto na niyang mangyari kaya siya nag-alsa balutan.
Pumasok ako sa aming silid upang magbihis. Nagpasiya akong lumabas upang makapag- isip nang mas malinaw – hindi upang sundan ang naglayas kong asawa. At kahit gusto ko siyang sundan ay hindi ko alam kung saan siya nagpunta.
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Habang nakasakay ako sa jeep, inisip ko kung saan maaaring tumuloy si Vicky. Tiyak na hindi sa mga biyenan ko o sa mga kapatid niya. Alam niyang kasundong-kasundo ko ang mga miyembro ng pamilya niya. Alam niyang katulad sa mga naging tampuhan namin noon na ako ang kakampihan ng mga magulang niya’t kapatid at siya nanaman ang pagagalitan. May kutob akong ang pinuntahan niya ay ang kumare naming si Maribel. Kung doon siya nagpunta eh sigurado magtetext o tatawag sa akin iyon. Kung hindi man eh baka doon siya nagpunta kina Marjorie, ang bestfriend niya na isang OFW. Hindi ko na maalaala kung ano ang apelyido ni Marjorie – Concepcion ba o Contreras. Kamakaylan nga pala ay nabanggit ni Vicky sa akin na magbabaksyon sa Pilipinas si Marjorie.
Kahit minsan ay hindi ko pa nakita ng personal si Marjorie, sa mga larawan lang, at matagal-tagal na rin iyon, hindi ko na nga masyadong matandaan ang mukha nito. Madalas siyang ikuwento sa akin ng asawa ko, higit pa raw sa magkapatid ang kanilang turingan. Siya sana ang bridesmaid ni Vicky noong kami ay ikasal, kaya lang biglaan ang pagalis nito papunta sa bansang pinagtatrabahuhan.
Bumaba ako ng jeep. Naisip kong puntahan sinoman sa mga kaybigan ko subalit nahihiya akong abalahin ang kanilang pamamahinga sa ganoong oras. Naghanap ako ng internet café. Sarado lahat. Pasado alas-dose na kasi ng hating-gabi. Sa isang videoke bar na lamang ako nagpasyang pumasok.
Kaunti lang ang kustomer ng gabing iyon, isang linggo pa kasi bago ang sahod. Sa isang lamesa sa may sulok malapit sa pinto ako naupo. Dali-daling lumapit sa akin ang isang waiter at umorder ako ng tatlong bote ng beer at kalahating fried chicken.
Sa pagkakatanda ko eh iyon pa lamang ang pangatlo o pangapat na beses kong pagpasok sa ganoong lugar. Hindi ko kasi nakasanayan ang barkada at pag-inom. Bukod doon, ano ba ang napapala ng mga lasenggo? Iinom ng pagkadami-dami tapos kinabukasan ay makakaranas ng hang-over, magsusuka at sasakit ang ulo. Pagkaminsan naman, sa sobrang kalasingan, ay nakakagawa ng mga masamang desisyon na saka pagsisihan matapos lumipas ang epekto ng alak. Minsan ay magiging makulit tapos ay mapapaaway at maaaring kung hindi ospital ay kulungan o sementeryo ang hahantungan.
Kung hindi lang dahil sa nangyari sa bahay ay malabong mapadpad ako sa lugar na iyon.
Nangangalahati na ako sa pangalawang bote ng lapitan ako ng isang babae. Mahirap sabihin kung isa siyang GRO o customer ding katulad ko. Pero hindi naman siguro pupunta sa ganoong lugar ang isang babae kung walang kasama. Mas malamang na GRO siya.
May kadiliman man sa napuwestuhan ko’y naaninag ko ang ganda ng hugis ng mukha at hubog ng katawan ng babae. Parang pamilyar ang mukha niya. Hindi ko lang maala-ala kung saan ko siya nakita. Napaisip tuloy ako na baka dati ko siyang estudyante. Huwag naman sana.
“Puwede bang makipagkuwentuhan?”
Iyon ang bungad niyang tanong. Tumayo ako’t kumuha ng kanyang mauupuan.
“Wow naman , gentleman ha,” sabi nito sabay haplos sa aking pisngi.
Napakalambot ng palad niya. Napakabango niya.
“Salamat! Ako nga pala si ah… M.
Hindi ko malaman kung letrang M ba ang narinig ko o may kasama bang E sa unahan ang letrang M. O baka naman bukod sa E eh may H pang kasama iyong M.
“Letrang M lang ba o may kasamang E o E-H?”
“Bahala ka na kung alin. M… o Em… o Ehm… pare-pareho lang. Magkakasingtunog lang naman. Puwedeng M na lang as in maganda, o puwede rin namang M as in maharot. Puwede ring M as in masarrapppp.
Nangiti ako sa sinabi niyang iyon.
“Ayon, mas guwapo ka pala kapag nguminigiti. Kanina pa kasi kita pinagmamasdan mula sa kinauupuan ko. Napakesersyoso mo. Teka… ikaw, may pangalan ka ba?”
“Alfred.”
“Ah… Alfred. Parang may kilala akong Alfred.”
“Malamang. Maraming may pangalang Alfred.”
“Sabagay. Tama ka.”
Hinawakan ni M ang aking kamay. Nadako ang kamay niya sa suot kong wedding ring.
“Uy, married ang mama ha.” Kantiyaw niya habang pinaikotikot ang aking singsing.
“Let me guess kung bakit ka nandito. Nag-away kayo ng asawa mo! Right? Come on, don’t deny!”
Isang matipid na ngiti lamang ang itinugon ko kay M.
“Hay salamat, ako lang pala ang kaylangan para mangiti ka palagi. Alam mo, ilan lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit ang mga married men ay pumapasok sa ganitong lugar. Una, bisyo. Eh di ka naman mukhang lasenggo. Pangalawa, babae. Wala naman sa itsura mo na babaero ka. Tingin ko naman di ka manyakis. Aywan ko lang ha. Pangatlo, problema sa asawa. Iyan ang hindi mo maikakaila. Para ka kasing pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa.”
“Oo nga eh,” ang sagot ko. “Gusto ko lang talagang magpalipas ng oras kaya ako nandito. Kung may bukas lang sana na internet café o sinehan, mas pipiliin kong doon pumunta.”
“So, mahilig ka ring mag-computer. Mahilig rin akong mag-chat at gumamit ng social media. I-add mo ako sa FB mo ha.”
Tumango na lang ako. Hindi ko naman magagawa iyon dahil hindi naman niya ibinigay ang buo niyang pangalan.
“Mabuti na lang pala at sarado ang mga computer shops ano. Hindi sana tayo nagkakilala. By the way, ano nga palang trabaho mo?
Teacher ako sa isang kolehiyo. I.T. subjects ang itinuturo ko.
“Wow naman.” muli niyang hinaplos ang mukha ko. Kaysarap damhin ng kamay niya. Nakakaginhawa sa pakiramdam.
“Puedeng magpa-tutor sa computer? Gusto ko matutong guwama ng videos. Balak ko kasing mag-vlog. Gusto ko ring maging YouTuber.”
Tinanguan ko lamang siya. Para kasing hindi naman siya seryoso sa mga sinasabi.
By the way, kustomer din ako dito. Siguro kanina inisip mo nagtatrabaho ako rito ano? Pero sa club din ako nagtatrabaho, sa Japan nga lang. Dancer ako doon. Isa akong Japayuki. Kararating ko lang noong isang araw. Pero siguro mga dalawang linggo o hanggang isang buwan lang ako dito sa atin dahil babalik din agad ako sa Japan. May mahalagang-mahalaga lang akong dapat gawin dito.”
Pinapakinggan ko lang si M. Napakaganda ng hugis ng kanyang labi, Kaygandang pagmasdan ng bibig niya habang siya’y nagsasalita at kapag siya ay ngumingiti.
A Difficult Challenge
This is about the most difficult challenge I faced when our university switched to online teaching due to the COVID-19 crisis. I had not much trouble with the technical aspects and logistics. I may not be a digital native but I know that the ability to create, evaluate, and effectively utilize information, media and technology are required 21st century skills that teachers are expected to possess. So, I tried my best to acquire them.
What’s the difficult challenge then?
Online teaching is still teaching. This is what I reiterated in a previous essay that I wrote. Teachers should find a way to achieve the objectives of the course/s they are teaching, cover the topics enumerated in the syllabus, discuss the lessons, give assignments, and assess learning. They should find a way to motivate the students and elicit their participation even if it is through online that they are teaching. Of all these things that teachers need to do when teaching using the online platform, what I found most difficult to do is assessment. Determining whether or not students learn and measuring the extent of the learning they had is very challenging.
And here is how I navigated around that difficult challenge…
The university where I am teaching now provided us with two platforms to use for online teaching – Cisco Webex and E~Class.
We meet our students online through Cisco Webex. In addition, the E~Class, a part of the university’s portal, allows professors to upload course materials in whatever electronic format, give assignments and tests, and communicate with students. It has functions that allow the submission of students’ assignments and other graded course requirements and the corresponding marking/grading of the same.
During the first week of (online) classes, I tried to check an assignment submitted by one of my students through E~Class. Going through the many steps to open, mark/check, and grade the assignment took time. With me handling more than 140 students and if each of them, in a particular week, will have an assignment or two, the checking/marking would be time-consuming. I figured it would be better and easier if the students write whatever course requirements I assign using MS Word for the reason that the said word-processing application has an “Insert-Comment” function that would allow me to directly mark/check the students’ paperwork without clicking on too many buttons.
So, I asked my students to use MS Word when doing their assignments instead of doing them directly in the assignment section of the E~Class.
After that, I directed the students to send their assignments to me through email and not through E~Class anymore.
Then I discovered that such was not a wise move.
During the first week, my G-mail account was flooded with emails from students and I found it too difficult to organize their assignments and sort them per class. A few of my students even used HWP and PDF. I had to tell them to use MS Word only for I could no longer find time to find out if HWP and PDF have that “Insert-Comment” function that MS Word has. I got worried that I probably made the process of marking/checking course requirements and returning them to students more difficult than just doing everything through E~Class.
I summoned the gods and goddesses of creativity and resourcefulness.
They responded.
I recalled that a friend sent to me some documents before through Google Drive. That was the first time I used Google Drive. I called that friend and asked if it is possible to share with a person a Google Drive folder/subfolder and both of us (only) could access that folder/subfolder. The answer was yes. My problem was solved.
I created a Google Drive folder for each of the classes assigned to me this (spring) semester. After that, I created individual subfolders for each member of the class. It was tedious but it is the best way I could organize the assignments (and other requirements) of my students.
Individual Class Folders
In the process, I had to require them to create Gmail accounts so creating (and accessing) the Google Drive folder would be easier. As a result, starting the second week of the semester, they were not sending their assignments to my email anymore. The flood of e-mails in my G-mail account subsided. All they need to do is to open their Google Drive folder and drag and drop to the subfolder we are sharing whatever I require them to submit.
If they want to know their scores and whatever feedback I had for them regarding their assignments, all they need to do is to open the subfolder (we are sharing) in their Google Drive folder. I realized then that I just created something similar to a digital student portfolio.
Individual Student Subfolders Inside a Class Folder
In the past, I require students to maintain a portfolio. I asked them to submit to me a folder (South Korean students call it “file”), with their name, student number and class code. In those folders, they keep the results of their quizzes, exercises, tests, and other graded activities. I keep in my office those folders and bring them to class when we meet so they could check their own scores and see how are they performing. It enables them to track their own progress. They can literally determine weekly how many of the 100 grade points they need for the course they already have. That’s possible because at the beginning of the semester I give my students a grade checklist/guide and transmutation tables and teach them how to manually compute their own grades. So, I make sure that I mark/check their quizzes, exercises, and whatever I require them to submit before our next meeting. If I also need to communicate something (related to our course) to specific students, I would insert notes in their individual folders.
With the Google Drive folder/subfolder, my portfolio system just turned digital.
Contents of an Individual Student Subfolder
I next tried to figure out how to give those quizzes and tests online. The challenge was how to make the results of such quizzes and tests valid and reliable given the fact that it would be very easy for the students to open their notes while taking quizzes and tests because I am not there beside them to watch what they are doing.
It’s easy (and difficult at the same time) – create test items that require comprehension and analysis. Avoid creating questions or test items they could easily answer by simply glancing at their review guides. The items I created should make their higher order thinking skills work. The quizzes and tests should prompt the students to apply what they learned and not simply write down in their answer sheets things they have memorized.
I initially thought of giving the quizzes and tests through the Survey Monkey, the online survey tool that I am using when I conduct online surveys for my research works. The tool (Survey Monkey) would do the checking and all I need to do is generate a summary report for the scores – the same things I did when I want to get the summary results of the surveys I conducted in the past. But during the 2nd week of classes I had an epiphany that I could actually give quizzes and tests through Cisco Webex but had to require the students to immediately drag and drop their answer sheets to their Google Drive folder/subfolder in order to maintain the integrity of the testing. It’s a process simpler and more practical than what I thought doing through Survey Monkey.
I tried it. I gave my first quiz through Cisco Webex. Through the “shared screen” of the application’s environment, I opened the PowerPoint file that contains the items for my first quiz. I jokingly told myself then that it was something historical – it was my first quiz in the COVID-19 era. I gave them 10 minutes to finish the 10-item vocabulary quiz. That’s the same amount of time we give our students for their quizzes during face to face classes. That’s a very long time for my “advance” students but just enough for the “not-so-advance” among them. For the dragging and dropping of the answer sheets to their Google Drive folder, I gave them an additional 3 minutes, although I know that the process of dragging and dropping files to a Google Drive folder could be done in a minute or less. It was a trial of sort, so I was a little bit generous with the time allotment. And yes, it was a success.
What if they attempt to change their answers anytime after the quiz? They can do that easily because they have access to their own folders. But my students know that if they change anything on the answer sheets they drag/drop to the folders we are sharing, the Google Drive folder has features that would allow me to see the exact date and time changes were made. No changes are allowed after the time allotment I gave for dragging and dropping. I told them that changing anything in their quizzes and tests beyond the designated time of submission will be considered cheating. And they know the consequences for cheating.
To prevent my students from sharing with their friends in my other classes the information about the quizzes and tests I am giving them, I made sure that I prepare different sets of quizzes and tests for every class. In addition, I am not using quiz/test items from the item bank that the department where I belong created for the quizzes and tests of expat ESL teachers like me. I created my own quizzes and tests.
Now, all of my students have their own Google Drive folders where all of their assignments, short and long tests, and their projects are put together. There they can check their scores and read my feedback anytime they want.
Which is easier to check/mark, the digital copies or the hard copies of students’ assignments, exercises, quizzes, and tests? The answer is – the hard copies. The digital copies take longer to check/mark. I go an extra mile doing it. This is the other reason I consider assessment as the most challenging part of online teaching.
Salamin
Aking salaming nakasabit sa dingding,
Samo ko ay laging ibulong sa akin,
Na dungis ng iba, bago ko punahin,
Uling sa mukha ko dapat ay linisin.
Turuan mo nga akong maghunos-dili,
Na h’wag perpekto kung tignan ang sarili.
Pagsabihan ako na h’wag magmapuri,
Kasi ako ma’y puwedeng magkamali.
Sabihin mong wala akong karapatan
Na kapwa ko tao ay aking pulaan,
Dahil ako ma’y maraming kakulangan –
Pagkatao ko’y tadtad sa kapintasan.
Sa tuwing kita’y lalapitan sa dingding,
Paalalahanan ako oh salamin
Na sariling buhay ko’y dapat ayusin
At h’wag buhay ng may buhay ang punahin.
Sana’y tulungan mo akong unawain,
Na oras akin lamang sasayangin
Kung kakulangan ng iba’y laging papansinin
At pagkakamali nila ang laging hahanapin.
Pilitin mo namang ituro sa akin
Na galit sa puso’y hindi ko kimkimin,
Na inggit sa limot lagi kong ilibing,
Na kapwa-tao’y lagi kong unawain.
Oh salamin ako’y paalalahanan
Na dapat saliksiki’y tamang katwiran
Na kung tamang landas… aking dadaanan
Panginoong Diyos ako’y gagabayan.
ONLINE TEACHING IS STILL TEACHING
Teachers like me should understand this – online teaching is still teaching. It’s not a magic trick that we are using to keep the students entertained while we are waiting for the COVID-19 crisis to dissipate. It should not be treated as a band-aid solution to the problem of not being able to meet the students face-to-face in the campus.
Online or otherwise, when you are a teacher, you should teach. You ought to find a way to achieve the objectives of the course/s you are teaching, cover the topics enumerated in the syllabus, motivate your students, discuss the lessons, give assignments, and evaluate learning. This is the time to use your creativity and resourcefulness.
Be reminded of the three major activities teachers do – planning, instruction, and assessment. Pedagogy – the art, science, or profession of teaching – remains the same, with or without COVID-19. The virus is not an excuse for you not to perform to the fullest your duties and responsibilities as a teacher.
The most important part of the planning process is the setting of learning objectives. Whatever you do as a teacher, online or otherwise, should be grounded on the objectives of the course. There are course objectives and there are unit objectives (or goals). You should know this if you are really trained to be a teacher (and was not just plucked from certain geographical locations of the world to pose or as a teacher). Supposedly, you should also know that for every topic you present to your students you also have objectives (or goals), right?
It is only when you are well-grounded on the objectives (course-unit-topic) that you should begin teaching – online or otherwise. You’d better not teach if not because you will become the embodiment of “the blind leading the blind.”
So, online or otherwise, you should be guided by the objectives of the course and of the specific units listed in the syllabus. There are times that even the objectives (goals) for each topic under specific units are provided by the school where you are teaching. If not, then it is your duty as a teacher to create them. Don’t whine, it’s part of your job. You signed up for it. And come on, creating learning objectives (goals) is not a rocket science.
After setting the learning objectives (and planned other teaching-learning activities), what should you do? I know that you know (hopefully) what comes next after the planning – instruction. Simply putting it – after the setting of objectives – you TEACH.
In case you have forgotten let me remind you of the definition of instruction – “the purposeful direction of the learning process.” The main aim of instruction, online or otherwise, is learning. Don’t forget that. So, whether your meet your students “face-to-face” or through any of the different platforms online, you have to teach them purposefully. We have different views. Rest assured that I respect yours. But for me, just uploading videos is not (online) teaching, no matter how sophisticated are the videos you create. Videos cannot carry out the multi-faceted role of the teacher. Videos, at best, are just supplementary learning materials.
After setting the objectives, you teach. After that, what comes next?
Answer – assessment. Call it testing to make it simple.
After teaching, online or otherwise, you need to determine whether or not your students learned through quizzes, exercise, assignments, tests, and other methods of assessment. But don’t forget that like instruction, assessment should also be purposeful. You don’t dump in the laps of your students all those academic works for the purpose of making them busy and simply to comply with course requirements. Education doesn’t work that way. You will use their scores in whatever you require them to do or submit to measure the extent of their learning, to evaluate how efficient are your teaching methods and strategies, and to determine if the course/unit/topic objectives are met.
There are two more important reminders for those who are teaching online. Firstly, don’t forget that you are not supposed to give your students assignments and tests on topics you did not discuss and thoroughly explained. And secondly, make sure to mark/grade each of your students’ tests and assignments. All marked/graded course requirements should be returned to the students. They need to be given feedback on their performance.
So, online or otherwise, when you are a teacher, be a teacher. Set your objectives, teach, and assess. Even if you’re holding the class online, you still need to motivate your students and elicit their participation. Do all those things purposefully.
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The biggest challenge I faced in online teaching is the marking/grading of assignments, projects, quizzes, and tests.
ON SUCCESS
The usual questions asked whenever the topic success is discussed are – “How do you view success?” and “How do you measure it?”. Let me add another one – “Do you consider yourself successful?”
Would you like to answer the questions above? Before you do, let’s revisit first the definition of the word. Let’s check how online dictionaries define success. Allow me also to share what I think about success.
Cambridge’s definition of the word is something broad – “The achieving of the results wanted or hoped for.” Colin’s goes – “The achievement of something that you have been trying to do.” Oxford is more specific with its definition – “The attainment of fame, wealth or social status.” Merriam-Webster’s is almost the same as Oxford’s – “The attainment of wealth, favor or eminence.”.
Our favorite research assistant – “Dr. Google” – says that success is “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose” and “the attainment of popularity and profit.”
Let’s also check the synonyms: prosperity, affluence , wealth, riches, opulence, and triumph.
I hope that the foregoing definitions and synonyms are sufficient to help you come out with meaningful and definitive answers to the questions I asked at the beginning of this article. And by the way, do the ideas conveyed by those definitions and synonyms jibe with what you think success is?
The definitions and synonyms above actually show the way people in our society quantify success. They tell us about the measuring sticks being used by most people, including you probably, to determine whether or not a person is successful. Everything boil down to one or a combination of the following: wealth, fame and power.
So, when asked who are the most successful people in the world, people never fail to mention the names of the world’s richest men – Jess Bezos, Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and the others who are listed in Forbes’ top 10 world’s billionaires . The next ones in our lists are the showbiz, sports, media, and political personalities. We also remember the names of quite a few people – some of them could be our own friends – who excel in their respective fields of endeavors when we discuss about successful people.
Now, let me ask some questions.
Are those people we consider successful happy also? Have the money, fame, power, and accomplishment they possess brought them happiness? These questions will certainly draw mixed response. We will never know the the exact answers. Whether the rich, famous, and powerful are happy or not, only them or their relatives, close friends, and confidants, know. People outside of their inner circle could only make speculations and assumptions.
People assume and speculate that rich people live under the constant pressure of wanting to amass more wealth – famous people to ensure that their stars keep shining – politicians to perpetuate themselves to power – so much so that they forget to live their lives to the fullest. Thus, they are perceived to be unhappy.
At least, they have the money.
“But can their money buy them happiness?” This question has been asked so many times that it might already be considered meaningless. But in the light of the present discussion it should be asked, not for the purpose of having it answered, but as a point to ponder on.
We presume that with all the luxuries the money of the wealthy, famous and powerful could afford, it’s almost impossible that they are not happy. Unless it is true that of the needs which Maslow’s identified in the hierarchy of needs, only the basic ones (physiological and safety) could be covered by money. The psychological needs (esteem needs, belongingness and love needs) and self-fulfillment needs are definitely not available in the shelves of even the most expensive stores.
Here is the next question I would like to ask – “Are they healthy?”
They are already rich, famous, and powerful. They are truly blessed if they are also in good shape. Of course they are – financially. What about physically, emotionally, and mentally? In their quest for riches, fame and power, did they not sacrifice their health, values, and relationships? While they sit on their thrones clutching their coffers, do they feel peace flowing within them? Again, they are the only ones, and the people around them, who could give a definite answer. They are the only ones and those they surround themselves with who know whether or not they are suffering from any debilitating disease, mental anguish, and emotional stress. Let’s hope they are not. Let’s hope that the news we hear once in a while (or is it only gossip?) that they turn to alcohol and drugs to fill the emptiness in their lives.
I brought out the questions on happiness and health in the discussion of success because I believe that there is a need to strike a balance between the ephemeral and the ethereal when defining the concept. The prevailing view of success is materialistic. We attach tangible proofs to it – money, big house, new car, degree, job title, a certain body type, etc. I am not saying that such act (of attaching those tangible proofs to success) is wrong. I just consider it as not encompassing.
Why?
What about simple people who did not attend school, don’t have cars, and live in simple houses in far-flung farming and fishing villages happily living a simple life and diligently performing their role in society? Can’t they not be considered successful in their own right?
When you don’t have a mansion – a car – fancy clothes – expensive jewelry – a university degree – huge amount of money in the bank, when you’re not famous and not powerful, when you’re just an ordinary decent individual honestly earning a living and contended with what you have and what you’re capable of achieving and you’re happy and healthy, would people not consider you successful?
If a person’s goal is simply to be happy and healthy and he/she achieves it, isn’t that success?
Correlating happiness and health to success is a kind of paradigm shift that will make capitalists unhappy. It is the materialistic view of success that keeps most of their present business ventures alive. It is this way of viewing of success that makes people buy cars, jewelry, expensive, and clothes and build more than one house (call it mansion) when having one is more than enough.
Well, we define success in different ways. Success is subjective and I think that nobody could claim that their way of looking at it is the right one.
The most valuable lesson I learned about success is this – define it for yourself. Don’t allow other people to define success for you. Don’t subscribe to the standards they set. You know your capabilities and limitations more than anyone else, factor them when setting your success parameters. But be not satisfied with your current skill set. You have to improve and as you see yourself becoming better set the bars of your success higher. And most importantly, don’t forget that as you march towards the achievement of your simplest goals and the realization of your grandest ambitions, you should not sacrifice your happiness and health.
Now it’s time for you to answer the questions – How do you view success? How do you measure it? Do you consider yourself successful?
TEACHING DURING THE PANDEMIC: A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
(A Personal Essay)
The COVID-19 pandemic is continuously rearranging socio-political and economic structures forcing us to tinker with our existing programs and practices. In order to adapt to the present realities which the virus forced down upon our throats, we are left with no choice but to either modify or completely reconfigure time-tested paradigms that have guided human affairs and activities in the past. Consequently, we are now witnessing a lot of changes in the different spheres of human life – social, political, economic, and what have you. More changes are forthcoming. These changes are inevitable and they are happening rapidly in the national, institutional, and personal levels.
Governments are restructuring in a hurry making all the necessary legislations in response to the ongoing pandemic. Both public and private organizations, from the biggest ones to the smallest, are rewriting their policies and guidelines. They are either amending existing protocols or creating new ones.
All of these changes have to be done because the socio-political and economic wheels have to continue turning. There are basic services and needs that ought to be delivered notwithstanding the COVID-19 situation. Education is among them.
Schools need to find a way to carry out their sacred oath – educate people, particularly the youth.
But we understand that students, academic and non-academic personnel, and school officials should not be rushed back to the campuses and unnecessarily expose them to possible infections. It is almost impossible to implement “social distancing” protocols in campuses where there are hundreds to thousands of students.
Schools in some countries (like South Korea) who are succeeding in flattening their COVID-19 curves have decided to resume academic operations. How are they doing it?
They are doing it online. There’s no other way.
The only platform which schools could use to deliver education to their studentry without putting them unnecessarily at risk is online. Online education is not a new platform. It has been existing for years now. The difference is that it used to be just an alternative done mostly on “one teacher-one student basis.” Now, it’s whole classes, with varying sizes, whose members one teacher should be teaching online all at the same time. It’s a mass online education.
This is the way that the university where I am currently teaching here in South Korea is doing it. The spring semester started on the 3rd week of March (online) and we were supposed to meet our students face-to-face starting the 1st week of April. But that was postponed to after two more weeks after the South Korean government pleaded to extend further the “social distancing” period. Eventually, our university officials deemed it necessary to postpone indefinitely the return of the students to the campus.
When I heard that we’ll be teaching online, I thought immediately that I will be playing a different ballgame the rules of which I am not quite familiar with. I am entering unchartered territory. I have never done a single minute of online teaching in the past. Of course I am using technology in the classroom and I am fond of trying whatever application is available to make my teaching better and appealing to my students who are all digital natives. I also use applications that make my work as a teacher easier. But I never had the opportunity to teach online in the past. Finally, the time has come for me to experience it.
Then came the training day organized to prepare us to play what I called a new ballgame – “online teaching.”
For the first two weeks of the spring semester, we were instructed to prepare videos of our lectures and give our students assignments. We were told to upload the videos and assign the homework using the E-Class provisions of the university’s portal. I asked myself, “Is that it?” That’s how we would be engaging with our students and guide them in the process of learning? Create (and upload) the videos then mark/check assignments. Is that online teaching?
That sounded easy – just create a weekly learning video and give one homework and your work is done. Then you can laugh your way to the ATM during payday, to collect your HARD EARNED dough.
I am not saying that it’s easy to create video presentations. It entails hard work, specially to people like me who had no training in creating videos. But to think that the video we will be uploading to E-Class will replace all the functions we as teachers need to perform in the class is quite disconcerting. I am not saying too that marking/checking the assignments of the students would be easy. It’s just that I am not comfortable giving an assignment based on a particular topic that I did not actually discuss. It’s like evaluating without teaching. As far as I know. That’s not how education works.
At that time, I consoled myself with the thought that that arrangement would only be for two weeks. So, I thought of just exerting extra effort to make up for what I may not be able to discuss to them during the first two weeks.
Until I saw very clear writings on the wall that it may take more than two more weeks before the university would allow classes to be held in the classrooms. True enough, (as I previously mentioned) we were told that we have to carry out online teaching to at least two more weeks until eventually, the university advised us that on-campus classes are postponed indefinitely.
The very first day of (online) classes, I received a call from one of my students. The student asked – “Are we not going to have an online class through Cisco Webex?” It appeared to me that their Korean professors are meeting them online. Otherwise, that student wouldn’t be asking that question.
Aside from the E-Class, the university provides us with another platform to perform our duties as teachers and deliver learning to our students online. That is Cisco Webex, a platform for video conferencing and online meetings. The E-Class have been there long before the COVID-19 crisis happened although it was optional on our (the teachers) part to use it. In the past, I used it rarely to upload course materials and give my students reminders related to our course. Yes, rarely did I use it. The reason being – students check on the E-Class less than rarely. Now, the current situation will force them to do it regularly.
To ensure that my students get the necessary course materials and information, I had an alternative. I created a Kakao chatroom for each of my classes to serve as a conduit between me and them. They would less likely miss anything passed to them through Kakao. The Kakao chatroom for each of my classes is exclusively for members of the class and strictly for the course materials and information I need to pass to them. They could message me in the chatroom only for questions related to our course. I don’t allow them to use it for online socialization.
Now, let me go back to the present concern. As I already explained, the minimum requirement for us is to create weekly learning videos (and the corresponding assignments) based on the contents of the prescribed textbook. We need to cover the contents of a whole unit for the weekly videos we’re creating. Teachers are required to have these videos and assignments uploaded to the E-Class. Meeting our students through Cisco Webex is not mandatory. The university left it to the discretion of expat teachers, like me, whether or not to use it.
Let me go back to that call from my student. Before our conversation ended, I made up my mind. I told the student that starting the 2nd week (and if ever we won’t be allowed to meet in the classroom for a long time), we will regularly meet online.
I figured posting weekly videos and giving them assignments through E-Class is insufficient. I wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement. Thus, even if it is not mandatory, I felt obligated to meet my students online through Cisco Webex.
That night I started watching YouTube videos on how to conduct online classes/meetings using Cisco Webex. I was lucky too to have a friend and colleague who was more than willing to teach me everything he knows about the platform. Like me, he considered just posting videos and giving meaningless assignments a disservice to our students (and I think other expat teachers have realized this also and may have been using the Cisco Webex too). So, he taught me how to use it that night. A couple of hours with him was all I needed.
With the help of my friend-colleague, I invited my students to the Cisco Webex meetings I set. I didn’t wait for the 2nd week of the semester. The day after I made the promise, I started holding classes online.
I did not hide from my students the fact that that was my first time, not only to use the Cisco Webex platform, but to teach online as well. It was exciting but challenging. What carried me through the difficulties and jitters of doing an online class for the first time were my being a natural speaker and the fact that I presented the same things I have been discussing during first days of classes for many years now. So, notwithstanding the minor technical glitches, which I found ways of resolving, my very first online class was fun. There was an element of excitement because I was experiencing something new. Somehow, the monotony of doing the same things in the classroom during regular classes on campus for so many years was suddenly broken.
I requested another session with that same friend and colleague who helped me the previous night and described to him the problems I encountered in my first two online classes. He explained to me what I needed to know and gave me some more tips about using Cisco Webex making me more confident and better-equipped in the next online classes I held.
That brought me back on track. The decision to conduct online classes through Cisco Webex erased the worry that I would be shortchanging my students had I chosen to just create videos of my lectures and upload them to E-Class and do nothing else.
Most of our credit courses are conversational English classes whose primary objective is to develop the speaking skills of our students. Yes, of the four macro language skills, the focal point is speaking. How do we hope to achieve that objective if we would only be providing the students with weekly videos that we assume (with our fingers crossed) that they would watch from beginning to end and try to learn from them? How would the teachers help the students develop that confidence to speak when there’s nobody with them when watching those videos? There would be no interaction at all between students and teachers and between students themselves. With online classes, minimal it may be, there is interaction. I discovered that. I could ask questions and call on specific students to answer. I could make them talk. The speaking activities provided in the book could be carried out. Students who want to earn participation points could actively participate. And with me explaining to them how important is their participation in getting the highest grade they want, I was able to make my online classes a two-way communication channel, and not me delivering a monologue just parroting the contents of the textbook from beginning up to the end of the online class.
Yes, teachers could create the best video presentations but what’s the guarantee that the students would intently watch them from beginning to end and perform the corresponding activities they are being directed to perform. They could play the video in the confines of their bedrooms, leave that room after starting the video to do something else somewhere, then comeback when time expires so the E-Class would give them credit for attendance for watching the video. They could also opt to sleep or watch TV while waiting for the video to finish. The E-Class system is not programmed to detect whether or not the students are in front of the laptop (or any other devices) they are using in the entire duration that the video is being played.
There’s one big challenge teachers face with online teaching – the marking/grading of assignments, quizzes, and tests. How could it be done in a timely and efficient manner?
Actually, the E-Class has functions to cater to the submission of assignments and other graded course requirements and the corresponding marking/grading of the same. I tried to check one of the assignments of my students during the first week of (online) classes. Going through the many steps to open, mark/check, and grade each assignment took very long. With me handling more than 140 students and if each of them, in a particular week, will have an assignment or two, checking them would be time-consuming. It would be better and easier if the students write their assignments using MS Word. The MA Word has the “Insert-Comment” function which can be used conveniently for marking/checking the assignments and other requirements.
So, I asked my students to use MS WORD only when answering their assignments – no HWP, no PDF.
After that, I asked the students to send their assignments to me through email instead of directly answering them in the assignment section of the E-Class. That proved to be a nightmare too. During the first week, my G-mail account was flooded with emails from students and I found it very difficult to organize the assignments of my students and sort them per class.
Then I recalled that my friend-colleague (yes, the same one who helped me learn to use Cisco Webex) sent to me some documents before through Google Drive. I called him and asked if it is possible to share with a person a Google Drive folder/subfolder and both of us (only) could access that folder/subfolder. The answer was yes… and my problem was solved.
I created a Google Drive folder for each of the classes assigned to me this (spring) semester then created individual subfolders for each member of the class. It was tedious but it is the best way I could organize the assignments (and other requirements) of my students. I had to require them to create Gmail accounts so creating (and accessing) the Google Drive folder would be easier. As a result, starting the second week of the semester, they were not sending their assignments to my email anymore. The flood of e-mails in my G-mail account subsided. All they need to do is to open their Google Drive folder and drag and drop to the subfolder we are sharing whatever I require them to submit.
If they want to know their scores and whatever feedback I had for them regarding their assignments, all they need to do is to open the subfolder (we are sharing) in their Google Drive folder. I realized then that I just created an electronic student portfolio.
In my (face-to-face) classes, I require students to maintain a portfolio. I asked them to submit to me a folder (South Korean students call it “file”), with their name, student number, and class code. In those folders, they keep the results of their quizzes, exercises, tests, and other graded activities. I keep in my office those folders and bring them to class when we meet so they could monitor their own performance. It enables them to track their own progress in the course. They can literally determine weekly how many of the 100 grade points they need for the course they already have because at the beginning of each semester I would give my students a grade checklist/guide and transmutation tables and teach them how to compute their own grades. So, I make sure that I mark/check whatever I require them to submit before our next meeting. If I also need to communicate something (related to our course) to specific students, I would insert notes in their individual folders.
With the Google Drive folder/subfolder, my portfolio system just turned digital.
Another reason I consider just posting videos of weekly lecture materials insufficient is this – the way our grading system is designed would require much more than just posting learning videos and giving assignments. Assessment is an integral part of the teaching-learning process. Aside from assignments, which is actually only one of the graded activities that teachers could give for the students to generate their participation points (which is 20% of their final score), there are other forms of assessment that must be done – quizzes (10% of their final score), midterm and final written tests (10%), midterm and final listening tests (10%), and midterm and final speaking tests (20%). That’s a total of 70% of the students’ final score. How would teachers who just uploaded videos of their lectures, and did not teach them, evaluate whether or not course objectives are met and then assess learning through those aforementioned quizzes and the long tests? Will they try to measure the effectiveness of their teaching by creating test items based on the assumption that their students watched their lecture and were responsible enough to understand? Would the results of the quizzes and tests be valid and reliable?
I, and those who have training in pedagogy, those who were really trained and groomed to become teachers and was not just plucked from certain geographical locations in the world to pose as teachers, know the answer to the questions raised in the two preceding paragraphs.
So, after hurdling the first two major obstacles – learning to hold online classes through Cisco Webex platform and marking/grading assignments and other requirements properly – I next tried to figure out how to give those quizzes and tests. Of course, online also. But the challenge is how to make the results of such quizzes and tests valid and reliable given the fact that it would be very easy for the students to open their notes while taking quizzes and tests because I am not there beside them to watch what they are doing.
Easy (but hard) – create test items that require comprehension and analysis. Avoid creating questions or test items whose answers they could easily give by simply glancing at their review guides. The quizzes and tests should prompt the students to apply what they learned and not simply write down in their answer sheets things they have memorized.
I initially thought of giving the quizzes and tests through the Survey Monkey, the online survey tool that I am using whenever I conduct online surveys for my research works. The tool (Survey Monkey) would do the checking and all I need to do is generate a summary report for the scores – the same things I did when I want to get the summary results of the surveys I conducted in the past. But during the 2nd week of classes I had an epiphany that I could actually give quizzes and tests through Cisco Webex but had to require them to immediately drag and drop their answer sheets to their Google Drive folder/subfolder to maintain the integrity of the testing. It’s a process simpler and more practical than what I thought doing through Survey Monkey.
I tried it. I gave my first quiz through Cisco Webex. Through the “shared screen” of the application’s environment, I opened the PowerPoint file that contains the items for my first quiz. I jokingly told myself then that it was something historical – it was my first quiz in the COVID-19 era. I gave them 10 minutes to finish the 10-item vocabulary quiz. That’s the same amount of time we give our students for their quizzes during regular classes. That’s a very long time for my “advance” students but just enough for the “not-so-advance” among them. For the dragging and dropping of the answer sheet to their Google Drive folder, I gave them an additional 3 minutes, although I know that the process of dragging and dropping files to a Google Drive folder could be done in a minute or less. It was a trial of sort, so I was a little bit generous with the time allotment. And yes… it was a success.
Then later on I discovered that things will be easier for me and lesser would be the possibility of cheating on the part of the students if I create my quizzes, tests and exercises using the Google Forms and the add on formLimiter. It saved me a lot of time in the checking/marking. What I consider as the drawback of using the Google Forms is that the students wouldn’t be able to see an actual test (quiz or exercise) paper. They wouldn’t be able to see again the actual questions/items together with their answers (and the corrections to the wrong answers they gave) the way they would be able to should I use the method I previously explained.
With all these experiences, I came to realize that online teaching is still teaching. It’s not some kind of a play that we are using to keep the students entertained while we are waiting for the COVID-19 crisis to dissipate. It should not be treated as a band-aid solution to the problem of not being able to meet the students face-to-face in the campus. We have no way of knowing how soon the pandemic would end. What if the current situation drags on not only for months but years?
It’s obvious that schools will now rely heavily on technology to carry out their sacred oath to educate. Schools need to adapt. They have no choice.
Governments who, in the past, were wise to have invested in improving the information technology capability, including Internet connectivity, of their country’s educational system, will have no problem meeting the demands of “mass online education.” Private schools owners who slowly built up the information technology infrastructure of their schools have just realized how wise was that decision.
If the schools need to adapt, the teachers could do no less. They have to learn to play the new ballgame called “online teaching.” The question is this: “How prepared are teachers to this sudden transition to online learning?”
The truth is, with or without COVID-19, the ability to use technology in the classroom – to apply all available technology resources to education – is something that teachers should have trained themselves to do long time ago. The use of technology has become an integral part of being a 21st century teacher. There’s no way out of it. Schools should have made it a basic requirement for teachers they hire. The ability to create, evaluate, and effectively utilize information, media, and technology are required 21st century skills. Teacher are expected to possess it.
The COVID-19 pandemic forced educational institutions to teach online – to rely heavily on information, media, and technology. What will now happen to teachers who are not adequately equipped for online teaching – who did not bother to acquire the necessary skills and know-how related to it when they had the chance?
M.A.D. LIGAYA
M.A.D. L I G A Y A 