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When The Rain Falls (3)
Chapter 3 – Under The Table
We all bowed our heads. I noticed you all closing your eyes. I was the only one who didn’t. I watched you as Elena prayed. While Elena’s rhythmic voice filled the silence, your presence filled my being. Moments later, I saw your eyes fluttered open. You looked at me. Your eyes were moist, red, and swollen. You forced a smile. It was the same smile you gave me the first time you smiled at me in the hut – forced. But that smile caused fragile happiness to flicker in my chest like a butterfly – happiness quickly crushed by the circumstances surrounding us. I smiled back and nodded. Then you closed your eyes again. I closed mine, too.
I was happy and sad at the same time. I was pleased because I saw you again. I was sad because of the situation, because of the timing. I am still determining what will happen next. Amidst all the problems you’re carrying, I felt compassion. And here I am, looking like I’m adding to your burden.
“Welcome to the family, brother-in-law,” Daniel said after the prayer.
“Okay. Let’s eat. I’m starving.” That was Elena’s Mom.
“Chicken tinola, pork adobo, fried bangus, and chop suey… wow! You’re really good to Mom, Jeff. Four dishes. When I go here, Mom just fries eggs and opens sardines.”
“Stop talking, Daniel, just eat,” their mother said.
“Sis… what were you saying happened to you earlier on your way here?”
I looked at you when Elena asked that. You looked at me before looking away and back at Elena. I knew you wouldn’t say anything about us. We both know that if the truth gets revealed, it will shatter our lives like a dropped glass.
“It was just in the hut earlier.” You responded after taking a deep breath and a forced smile.
“What, sis? What happened in the hut?”
“It’s just… it’s like someone was following me while I was walking. That’s it.”
“Maybe one of your admirers was really following you earlier?” Daniel said.
“Oh, come on… let’s just eat,” their mother said.
While we were eating, you kept your head down. Very quiet. I tried not to keep my eyes on you because Elena might notice and get even more suspicious. I am almost sure that her jealousy is back. Elena knows the terrible things I did before we became a couple. Elena knows my weaknesses. She knows I’m not a saint, just human, not holy.
“Dad here…” Elena’s voice intruded into my thoughts. You flinched slightly as she leaned across the table, offering a chicken drumstick. “Legs are your favorite, right?” Her seemingly innocent question felt loaded, a veiled challenge to you and me.
You looked at me while Elena fed me a chicken drumstick. It was just for a moment, and you immediately looked away. I don’t know if you felt anything or if you were jealous.
“Camille,” Daniel said, “they’re so sweet. Maybe you could give me the other piece of chicken drumstick the way Elena did it to Jeff. I could feed you, too.”
“Oh, Daniel, stop it. After you fight with your wife, you act like that. If I were Camille, I would shove the spoon and fork into your mouth instead of feeding you, so you’d behave.” That was their mother’s retort, which was laced with a hint of exasperation.
“Come on, Mom. Camille has forgiven me already. I’ve apologized. Isn’t that right, Ma?”
Is that all? If everything I heard from Elena about what your husband is doing is true, does he think a simple apology will be enough to forgive him?
You nodded in response. But it seemed forced. I could see how tears welled up in your eyes when your mother-in-law, my future mother-in-law, said that. I felt sorry for you. If only I could wipe away those tears or hold your hand to make me feel better.
I did what I could. I just tried. I took a chance to see if you would be okay with it. At that moment, defying the constraints of the situation, I reached out with a silent plea for connection. Under the table, I placed my foot on yours. I gently brushed my foot against yours. Surprise seemed to flicker through you, but you didn’t pull away. Instead, you left your foot there, a small gesture that spoke volumes in the silence.
“Are you okay, sis?”
You seemed surprised when Elena asked you. I was surprised, too. You pulled your foot away quickly as you said, “Yeah… yeah. I am okay.”
But then, just as quickly, your foot returned, seeking mine out with a newfound insistence. This time, it wasn’t a hesitant touch but a bold claim, your foot resting possessively on top of mine. A memory flickered to life – the insistent pressure of your body on top of mine in the dimly lit hut, a memory that sent a forbidden thrill coursing through me. Was this a deliberate echo of that stolen moment, a silent plea for connection amidst the suffocating web of lies we were entangled in?
And then we rubbed our toes together. From our stolen glances, I noticed that your face seemed to brighten. Your sadness was gone, and you started eating with gusto. You had no idea how happy I was then.
We let Daniel, Elena, and their mother talk while we eat. We let the conversation flow around us, mere background noise to the silent symphony beneath the table. Our occasional murmurs were formalities, veiling the truth that consumed our attention. A surge of exhilaration, laced with a hint of apprehension, bubbled within me as I decided to take a bolder step. With a slow, calculated movement, I inched my foot up your shin, then to your thighs. A flicker of surprise crossed your features, quickly replaced by a silent acceptance. At that moment, I saw a subtle shift in your posture, a slight lean towards me that mirrored my unspoken desire. Emboldened, I continued my ascent, brushing our skins and sending a jolt through my senses. A satisfied sigh escaped your lips as I reached my destination, and I couldn’t help but notice how your eyes fluttered shut, a silent surrender to the forbidden pleasure. We continued this delicate dance of touch, each movement measured and discreet, the thrill of defiance electrifying the stolen intimacy.
After we ate, your husband and I started drinking while you and Elena helped their mother clean the kitchen and wash the dishes.
Before we started drinking and chatting, Daniel, with a casualness that surprised me, reached into a clutch bag and withdrew a gleaming .45 caliber pistol. The metallic glint was almost eclipsed by the sight of small plastic sachets within the bag. They were probably drugs. Maybe shabu. I played dumb, pretending not to see it. Feigning nonchalance, I averted my gaze, and the metallic click of Daniel cleaning the gun was a jarring counterpoint to the jovial chatter around us. He downed his drinks with alarming ease, a practiced routine that spoke of a man far too familiar with the bottom of a glass. Alcoholic wasn’t quite the right word, but it danced on the edge of the definition. He offered me a drink, his gaze lingering for a beat too long, but there was no pressure. He let me have a shot whenever I wanted.
“Here’s our secret, brother-in-law. Even Mom and Elena don’t know this. I killed someone with this gun. It was probably two years ago. I did it cleanly.”
My breath hit my throat as Daniel’s words hung heavy. Killed someone? The casualness with which he said what he said sent a wave of nausea washing over me. Was it a twisted joke fueled by alcohol or a chilling confession? I just listened to your husband’s story. It could be true, or it could just be a drunken story. My mind raced, searching for signs of truth or inebriated bravado. But admittedly, fear, cold and sharp, pricked at my skin.
He downed another drink, his gaze fixed on me so intensely that I could not reasonably determine if he was trying to intimidate me. I just didn’t know if it was a brother’s way of warning the soon-to-be husband of his sister to better be good or if he was warning me to stay away from you.
“You know why I killed that person?” His voice was a low rumble laced with a dangerous undercurrent. “Because,” he continued, leaning closer until his breath tickled my ear, “I heard he really liked Camille. I saw him tailing my wife while she was here in the Philippines on vacation. So I looked for a chance to take him out. Before I shot him, I said something to him. Guess what it was.”
My stomach lurched. The playful facade he’d maintained all evening had vanished, replaced by a predator sizing up its prey. “What did you say to him before you…?” My voice barely rose above a whisper.
“What belongs to Pedro stays with Pedro, and what belongs to Juan stays with Juan.” The weight of his words settled upon me, a dark secret shared under the guise of drunken camaraderie. This seemingly innocent family gathering had taken a sinister turn, leaving me trapped in a web of lies, betrayal, and a chilling truth that threatened to shatter everything I thought I knew.
Daniel even told me the name of the man he killed and challenged me to check the records at the Sagada municipal hall to believe him. I said to myself, why do I need to do that? But Daniel’s challenge hung in the air, a sickening dare that fueled my turmoil. Part of me yearned to believe it was a twisted joke, a cruel fabrication born from the depths of the bottle. But another, more terrifying part couldn’t shake the chilling possibility of truth. The weight of his confession threatened to suffocate me, leaving me gasping for a semblance of normalcy. Yet, here I was, trapped in this twisted charade, clinging to Elena for reasons that seemed increasingly flimsy with every passing moment.
After about an hour, you, Elena, and their mother went to the terrace. As you joined us on the terrace, a wave of relief washed over me, a temporary reprieve from the suffocating tension that had seemingly settled between Daniel and me.
“Daniel, let’s talk for a while.” Their mother said.
“Come on, bro, put away the gun. It might go off.” That was Elena.
“Okay…okay.” Daniel replied as he put his gun in his clutch bag.
“Daniel, what’s going on between you and Camille? Why are you still blaming her for not leaving for Italy?”
“Mom, if Camille wasn’t such a fool, she would have returned there. I can’t sell any of my vegetables because of the lockdown. I can’t transport the vegetables out of Sagada. At least we would have a source of income if she returned to Italy.”
“Why can’t you understand that I’m afraid to return there because of COVID? I don’t want to work there anymore. What if something happens to me?”
You were crying again when you said that. I felt so sorry for you and was really annoyed with Daniel. His selfishness grated on my nerves. Should I speak up? Should I defend Elena and challenge Daniel’s callous behavior? But I can’t, and I shouldn’t. It’s a discussion of family matters I didn’t feel I was in a position to bat in yet… unless asked to. So, just as quickly as the urge arose, it receded, leaving me a silent observer in this storm of emotions.
“Then why is our elder sister Nancy still there and alive?”
“Bro, you should not force Camille to return if she doesn’t want to. And our sister’s situation is different. Her boyfriend is there too, so she preferred to stay.” That was Elena.
“Damn it! You’re all ganging up on me.”
“We have saved a lot of money. I told you to put the money I’ve been sending you every month for five years in the bank so we’d have something for a business. You’re also earning from our farm.”
“That’s right, Daniel. Where is your money? How much have you saved in the bank?” their mother asked.
Your husband couldn’t answer. You just kept crying and shaking your head.
“Daniel, son, tell me the truth. Is it true that you had an affair with the wife of an OFW in your barangay? And is that where you spent your savings?”
There was a moment of silence. No one spoke. Then Daniel suddenly stood up and grabbed Camille by the hand.
“Come on, let’s go home.”
“Ouch… let go of me. I don’t want to go with you.”
“Daniel, let go of your wife. You’re such a scoundrel.”
“Mom… don’t interfere with us… none of you interfere.”
Daniel was holding the clutch bag containing the gun. He pointed it at us as he said that. I clearly saw how Daniel forcefully pushed you into the back of his car.
There was nothing I could do but feel sorry for you.
Before the car sped away, you looked back at us. It was as if you were asking for help. I wasn’t sure if you were directly looking at me, Elena, or their mother. But I felt like you were pleading for someone to rescue you. But what could I do?
TO BE CONTINUED…
When The Rain Falls (2)
Chapter 2 – “The Plot Thickens”
As we reached Elena’s house, the door swung open, revealing her mother waiting with a wave and a bright smile.
“Wow, you’re soaked! Go to the bathroom and freshen up. I’ll make coffee for you and Elena.”
Elena’s mom was super welcoming. Needless to say, I felt incredibly welcome. But I felt another thing – guilt. The memory of what happened in the hut played repeatedly, starkly contrasting the unwavering kindness being showered upon me.
My hand trembled slightly as I reached for Elena’s mother’s right hand. Gently, I placed it on my forehead, a gesture of deep gratitude that transcended words. “Thank you,” I mumbled, the words barely a whisper against the rising tide of guilt.
“Mom, aren’t you lucky to have such a respectful future son-in-law?”
Elena’s mother just smiled as I let go of her hand.
“Shut up, Mommy,” I told Elena jokingly as I walked towards the bathroom.
Elena’s laughter erupted upon hearing me, followed by her mom’s in a delightful cascade that filled the room.
Before I could shut the bathroom door completely, the voices of Elena and her mom drifted through…
“Someone’s in your room.”
“Who, Mom?”
“Camille.”
The name froze me in my tracks. A mix of surprise and excitement rushed through me. Unable to resist the pull of curiosity, I left the bathroom door slightly ajar, hoping to hear more from them.
“You both arrived almost at the same time. Oh, your sister-in-law didn’t bring an umbrella, so she was soaking wet when she arrived. I lent her some of your clothes. She probably had another fight with Daniel, so she came here first.”
“Yeah. Very likely that brother hurt Camille again.” Elena responded with her voice echoing so much disappointment.
“Call Daniel and let him know Camille is here. He can come over, and you can also introduce Jeff to them.”
The sound of your name echoed in my head as a desperate hope battled a rising tide of dread. I couldn’t figure out which feeling was stronger – was it the hope that I would soon see you again or the dread? Could it be? Could you be the Camille they were talking about? Are you Elena’s sister-in-law, the wife of my fiancé’s brother?
While lost in those thoughts, somebody pushed open the bathroom door. It was Elena. She handed me a pair of shorts and a tank top in the bathroom.
“Dad, after you take a shower, could you please go to the terrace? I need to talk to Camille in our room.”
“Camille?” I asked, puzzled.
“Yes, my sister-in-law. I don’t think you know her… or… did you meet someone earlier?”
“No, I only saw those people at the nearby store.”
“Okay, daddy. Go ahead and do your thing. I need to talk to Camille now. She won’t stop crying. It seems like she has a serious problem, probably because of my brother. But something else happened to her on her way here, and she doesn’t want to say it.”
I could only manage a simple nod for Elena as dread tightened in my stomach. Seeing you was a desperate wish, but not under that roof. What if you, Camille, were the one they spoke of? The thought terrified me. Could facing you here be worse than our secret coming out? We could play strangers, a flimsy disguise for the secret we shared. But what if you shattered the pretense, confessing to your sister-in-law those forbidden moments we shared in the hut? The possibility suffocated me with guilt.
I sat on the terrace, overwhelmed by the possibilities ahead of me. I couldn’t shake off the anxiety about the presence of Camille. My usual methods to calm my mind seemed ineffective, but I persisted, trying to regain my composure. Looking around, I noticed the rough planks that made up the terrace floor and the vividly colored potted plants on the ledge, a stark contrast to the darkness of the inner turmoil I was feeling. I had been so preoccupied with exploring Sagada and sharing my experiences on social media that I hadn’t noticed these details earlier.
“Jeff, just stay here for a while.”
That was Elena’s mother. She placed a cup of coffee on a wooden side table before me.
“I’ll go to Elena and Camille in the room. Daniel is also on his way. You can all talk later.”
“Alright, mot…mot…”
“Son, don’t hesitate to call me a mother. Or mama. It’s okay. You and Elena are getting married.”
“Ha… uh… Yes… okay, mama. Thank you.”
“I just hope you love my daughter, be faithful to her. Please don’t hurt my youngest.”
“I… I promise, Inay. I will love and take care of Elena.”
Guilt ate at me as I tried to make a promise I was afraid I couldn’t keep. Elena’s mother’s kindness highlighted my deceit. The rain pounding on the roof matched the chaos in my mind. Every regret hit me like a downpour—the forgotten umbrella, the postponed plans, and the encounter that now filled me with dread. I desperately wished to return and erase the meeting that started this turmoil in my heart. With my mind and heart, I was at peace. But no matter how much I regret it, what happened won’t change. My decisions were wrong, and I had to face the consequences of those mistakes.
On the terrace, I held the forgotten coffee, now lukewarm. My future mother-in-law’s kindness felt like a cruel joke as I paced. Was Camille really here? Unable to stand the uncertainty, I went back inside. Our room’s door was partly open, inviting me in. A thin curtain hid the inside, muffling sounds. But I heard a sob, making me sick with worry.
I didn’t want to wait any longer. It’s killing me softly. I decided to go in. If you were really inside, I had to know.
Driven by that desperate need, I reached for the partly open door. But a car horn blared even before I could pull the door open. The interruption snapped me back, and I retreated a step. The insistent honking escalated, urging me into action. That could be Daniel. There’s nobody else expected to come.
The honking escalated into a frantic barrage. So, I had to race outside and open the gate. A black car with its doors and bumpers splattered with mud glided into the driveway. I retreated to give its driver more space to maneuver.
After parking, the driver got out… it was Daniel. That was the first time I saw it in person.
“Jeff? Are you Jeff?”
I nodded at him as I said “yes” and offered a handshake. He towered over me slightly, his frame solid and athletic. Instead of taking my hand, he embraced me.
“I’m Daniel, Elena’s brother. Damn… no wonder my sister fell in love with you. You’re handsome, and you’ve got a great physique. Looks like you live at the gym.”
“Not really, bro. I usually work out at home. You have a great built yourself.”
“Ah… just from hard work in the fields.”
The terrace buzzed with the distant chirping of crickets as we finally met face-to-face. I had previously seen their family photo on Elena’s Facebook cover page, taken when their father was still alive. It was the only picture Elena had with any of her family members. Daniel exuded a quiet intensity, starkly contrasting Elena’s gentle nature. While I navigated the social media world for my vlog, Elena rarely ventured there. In fact, Miguel, according to her, was a digital ghost – no Facebook, no Instagram, just a phone for the bare necessities. “He’s not a gadget person,” Elena had said, a hint of amusement in her voice, “more of a… gun person.” Her offhand remark left me with a lingering question – was that a playful exaggeration or a glimpse into a world I wasn’t prepared for?
I inquired if Daniel wanted coffee.
“Coffee? Perfect! Although, wait a minute… I just remembered I grabbed a bottle of wine on my way over. Are you in for a switch? I’ll grab it in a second!”
A cold dread settled in my gut as another of Elena’s offhand comments echoed in my mind: her brother drank wine for breakfast. Oblivious to my growing unease, Daniel didn’t waste a breath waiting for my reply. With a muttered excuse, he was already striding towards his car, the clink of glass promising a night far stronger than I’d bargained for. My stomach lurched – the thought of hard liquor sent a familiar tremor through me. I was a lightweight, unlike Daniel, whose casual gait suggested a seasoned tolerance. The prospect of a drinking session, especially with someone who might consider breakfast wine a tame indulgence, filled me with a potent mix of apprehension and a bizarre, desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, tonight wouldn’t be as bad as I feared.
“Alright, put down the coffee. Shot glasses, check! I knew we might need them. Just got to find some nibbles, and then we can get started.”
Daniel returned, a bottle of wine clutched triumphantly in one hand. The other held a black leather clutch bag. He plunked the wine down with a dull thud, but the bag was carefully placed beside it. From what I heard from Elena, I was almost certain it was a gun.
“Where’s my mom and Elena? Is Camille here?”
“They’re in the room, talking.”
“Looks like I’m back in the doghouse. Thanks to Camille. Of course, they’ll all believe the little angel. Guess I’m public enemy number one again.”
I just listened to Daniel.
“That woman can be stubborn as that carabao I use on the farm. I told her to fly back to Italy in February of this year, but she did not. Then the lockdown hit in March, and now she’s stuck here. Damn Covid. Our savings are dwindling, and who knows if she even has a job to return to.”
“The situation is really tough right now, bro. Elena and I were told it might be two more months before we can return to our company. So we’ll stay here for now.”
“Is that so? That’s good, so our mom will have company here. Our female cousin, caring for her, eloped just last week. And my other sister, who’s also in Italy, won’t be back until the end of the year. She’ll definitely be here for your wedding with Elena.”
“Oh, there you are, Daniel.”
That was Elena’s mother, who suddenly appeared behind us.
“Hello, ma. I just arrived.”
“Wine again, Daniel? Elena said Jeff isn’t used to drinking.”
“That’s why I’m starting to train him now. By the time their two-month vacation is over, my brother-in-law will be used to hard drinks. How are you, ma?”
“May God bless you. And I hope He makes you a good person. Oh, Daniel.”
“What did Camille tell you this time?”
“You, stupid good-for-nothing man. Explain it to me later.”
“See, brother!” Daniel addressed me. “Nobody loves me here. Everybody hates me.”
Elena’s mother’s gaze snagged on the black clutch bag nestled beside the bottle of wine. Curiosity flickered in her eyes. “What have we here, Daniel?” she inquired, her voice gentle but firm. “Why do you have your gun with you again?”
“Ma, it’s for protection, not trouble. It’s licensed. The neighbor beside my farm has been causing problems, accusing me of encroaching on his land. I can’t let him push me around.”
“I understand but…
“I know you worry, Ma. But sometimes things get messy. I won’t back down from what’s rightfully mine. Nobody can steal what belongs to me.”
After Daniel spoke, I felt uneasy and had a heavy sense of foreboding. “Just be careful.”
My soon-to-be mother-in-law went to the dining area after saying that. Daniel kept on talking. I couldn’t focus on what he said because I was preoccupied with thoughts of you. I kept glancing at the door, waiting to see if the Camille, who was talking to Elena in the room, would already come out.
“Daniel… Jeff… come in. Dinner is ready.”
“Let’s go, Jeff… let’s eat so we can start drinking.” That was their mother’s calling.
My heart hammered against my ribs, echoing the rhythm of my steps on the wooden floorboards. I would finally find out if you were the “Camille” I met in the hut. The question reverberated in my mind like a relentless drumbeat. But what if you were?
“Oh, Daniel… call Elena and Camille from the room. Tell them dinner is served.”
“Okay, ma.”
Daniel went to the room. I didn’t know if I felt scared or excited while waiting to see who would come out of the room.
“Hey… Jeff! Why are you staring at the room door so intently?”
“Huh? Oh, it’s nothing, mama.”
“There’s no ghost coming out of the room, so don’t be scared.”
“Sorry, mama. It’s just that… it suddenly reminded me of the door in our apartment in Pasig. I’m wondering if I locked it or not.”
“Just call the landlord and have them check it.”
“Ah. I’ll call later.”
That’s another lie. I have already told so many of them since we met. I wondered how many more I would have to fabricate because of you.
I kept asking myself why the “Camille” inside hadn’t come out of the room. I felt increasingly restless. The longer I wait, the worse it will become.
“Have a seat, Jeff. Just relax.”
Embarrassment flooded my cheeks. I hadn’t even realized I was still standing. “Yes, Mom,” I mumbled, sinking into the chair.
Elena’s mother beamed. “It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you, Jeff. Having you and Daniel here with Elena makes this a truly special evening. I wish my daughter in Italy could be here too, and the whole family would be together.”
“It won’t be long before we’re all under one roof, Mom,” I assured her, forcing a smile.
Her smile faltered slightly. “Of course, of course.”
Elena emerged from the room, a flicker of concern in her eyes.
“Oh, why only you?”
“Daniel’s talking to Camille. They’ll be out in a moment.”
The anticipation dragged on, making me even more anxious.
“Alright, let’s wait for them. Serve Jeff some mushroom soup; he might be hungry.”
“Oh, Dad, it looks like you and Mom are getting close.”
Elena’s mother looked at me and smiled.
“What else did Camille tell you?”
Elena glanced at the room before speaking.
“Mom, Daniel wants Camille to return to Italy because he’s dating someone.”
Elena’s mom widened. “Oh, dear heavens! Who is it?”
Elena lowered her voice. “Someone from their barangay, Mom. And… she’s married. An OFW in Saudi.”
“Dios mio! What was your brother thinking? Does he have no shame?” Her voice trembled with a mix of anger and disappointment.
Elena’s mother’s words felt like needles piercing my conscience. I remembered my mother’s frequent advice to think carefully about every decision to avoid future regrets. But it was too late; what’s done is done.
Elena sighed. “The rumors have been swirling around their barangay for a while now, Mom.”
“What a mess. Thank goodness Daniel can’t have children. Otherwise, who knows what kind of trouble they’d be in.”
“Mom, there’s trouble with Daniel and Camille. Camille wants to leave him. I mean, they’re not even married, so…”
“What!? Oh no, this is terrible!”
“According to Camille, that other woman might be why Daniel hesitates about marriage.”
Elena’s mother glanced at me.
“Oh Jeff, son, I apologize. We’re burdening you with our family problems.”
“Don’t worry about me, mom.”
That was all I could say in response to the shocking revelations.
“Camille’s heartbroken. Daniel has fertility issues that prevented him from impregnating her, yet that didn’t stop Daniel from cheating on her.”
As soon as Elena finished speaking, the room door creaked open, and Daniel emerged. The woman inside, named Camille, her head bowed demurely, slowly stepped out. It was you. My heart skipped a beat as I saw you. You were yet unaware of my presence. As you approached the dining table, I confirmed that you were the same Camille from the hut with whom I shared passionate moments. Now you’re inside the house where I was about to share a meal with my future in-laws. I was torn between running out of the house for fear of whatever might happen should what transpired between us get known and running towards you so I could make you feel how much I missed you. Would we acknowledge each other or pretend nothing happened? The weight of our secret loomed large, threatening to unravel the fragile peace of this evening.
“Mom, here they come.”
“Camille, dear, sit next to me. This is Jeff, Elena’s future husband.”
When our eyes met, you froze. I was over that feeling of surprise, having seen you already earlier. I could say that you felt like cold water was poured over you like I felt earlier. Your reaction did not escape Elena’s keen eyes.
Our eyes met. A jolt passed through you. You appeared frozen. The surprise mirrored the one I felt moments ago when I saw you. The realization flickered across your face as quickly as it arrived, but it wasn’t fast enough for Elena’s watchful gaze.
“Hey, Camille… have you met Jeff before?”
I anxiously awaited your response. I was worried that you might disclose that we met in the hut. Not because of the chance of you revealing everything that happened there, but because I had told Elena that I hadn’t been to that place or met anyone along the way.
“What?… No! This is the first time I’ve seen him.
You were a great actress. The flicker of surprise in your eyes vanished as quickly as it appeared. A cool smile settled on your lips as you offered a hand and a polite, “Pleasure to meet you.” Confusion washed over me. Was this denial? A desperate attempt to protect our secret? I reached out, my fingers brushing against yours. But in a heartbeat, your hand retreated, a flicker of revulsion crossing your face. The gesture was so sudden, so inexplicable, it left me reeling.
Then, you sat directly across from me, acting like I wasn’t there. You ignored me like people do with those they don’t know. You were so cold, completely different from the Camille I met in the hut. There, you were incredibly warm, even scorching. You melted me.
It hurt a bit, but I understood your lie and pretense. If I had spoken first, I would have said the same. Admitting we met at the hut by the mini rice terraces, even without saying what happened between us, would reveal my lie to Elena since I had told her I hadn’t seen that place yet.
“I was surprised by your reactions earlier. It seemed like you both were startled when you saw each other,” Elena said.
“Oh, Elena, with Jeff’s charisma, any woman seeing him for the first time would be startled. Especially now that he’s in shorts and a tank top. And look at my wife; she has the face and body of a beauty queen. Jeff was probably shocked too, thinking you were the most beautiful woman on earth, only to find someone even more beautiful – your sister-in-law, Camille.”
“Oh, there you go again, Daniel. Stop it.” That was Elena’s mom. “Maybe they have met before and just don’t remember when and where, which is why they reacted that way. It happens.”
You kept your head down while listening to that conversation. I noticed Elena looking at you and then glancing at me.
“Alright… alright… Let’s eat,” suggested Elena’s mother.
“Yes, so Jeff and I can start drinking.”
“Guys, perhaps we can, just this once, give thanks before we eat. Let’s also thank God for Jeff’s safe arrival here. Elena, please lead the prayer.”
We all bowed our heads. I noticed you closed your eyes while I was the only one who didn’t. Instead, I kept my head stubbornly raised, and my gaze drifted towards you. I saw you open your eyes. A flicker of movement caught my eye. You peeked open your eyes, seemingly to check on Elena, before gazing at me. Your eyes looked swollen. Your lips curved into a smile, a faint echo of the one you offered me in the hut – hesitant, yet holding a promise of understanding. Despite being forced, your smile lifted my spirits. I smiled back at you and nodded. You smiled at me one more time. You winked a playful spark in your tired eyes before closing them again.
TO BE CONTINUED…
When The Rain Falls (1-B)
Chapter 1B – “Vanished”
You were finally asleep, breathing softly as the birds chirped outside. You looked vulnerable in my slightly oversized t-shirt, and I felt protective as I adjusted the fabric over you. Your face, once marked with passion and pain, was now peaceful. I gently reached for my camera, compelled to capture this serene moment. It wasn’t about keeping secrets but about preserving this fragile peace. I plan to show you this picture when you wake up.
As I focused closer, I found something that both worried and intrigued me – dark bruises covered your arms, thighs, and neck, making me uneasy. The playful atmosphere disappeared as I realized the storm you escaped wasn’t just outside; it was part of you, hidden beneath sleep. What demons were you running from? And were they still with you, even here?
The insistent chirping of birds announced the end of the heavy downpour. I squinted at my watch – nearly four in the afternoon. You were still fast asleep. Curiosity gnawed at me. Had you spoken of your past during the storm-tossed hours, or were the bruises the only clues to the battles you’d fought? Pushing those questions aside for now, I glanced out the window. A breathtaking rainbow stretched across the sky, a vibrant promise painted on the canvas of the newly washed world. This was a scene I couldn’t miss. Regret flickered across my chest as I leaned down, kissing your cheek softly. It felt like a stolen moment, a fleeting glimpse into a life I was about to step away from, if only for a moment. Pulling on my damp hoodie, I ventured out into the cool afternoon air, the weight of unspoken questions pressing down on me. The heavy rain had stopped, leaving behind a rainbow and a stranger whose secrets lingered in the quiet of the hut.
The crisp afternoon breeze invigorated my senses as I wandered through the mini rice terraces, searching for the perfect vantage point to capture the rainbow’s brilliance. Each step crunched on the damp earth. There it was! The perfect composition, the vibrant colors of the rainbow arcing majestically over the lush green fields. A surge of triumph filled me as I raised my camera, finger poised on the shutter button. But then, with agonizing slowness, the vibrant hues began to fade. The once-proud arch dissolved into wispy streaks of color, finally vanishing completely. Disappointment settled in my chest, a heavyweight mirroring the sudden emptiness in the sky. The rainbow, a fleeting symbol of hope and renewal, had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, leaving behind a reminder of the impermanence of all things. Perhaps it was a metaphor for our burning passion, a beautiful moment suspended in time, forever etched in my memory, yet ultimately fragile and fleeting.
Returning to the hut felt like stepping back into a different reality. The place buzzing with a strange intimacy just moments ago was now a tomb of silence. You were gone. My t-shirt, a symbol of our shared vulnerability, lay abandoned on the bed. A wave of sadness washed over me, sharper and more unexpected than the heavy downpour earlier. Just a moment. That’s all it had been. Yet, you’d vanished like the fleeting beauty of the rainbow I’d tried to capture. Pulling off the damp hoodie, I reached for the t-shirt. The faint scent of your body that lingered was the only tangible reminder of your presence. At that moment, I knew I had to find you.
Disappointment clawed at my throat as I raced out of the hut. My voice echoed unanswered across the rice fields, the vibrant green mocking my frantic calls for your name. No sign of you anywhere. The wooded area behind the hut loomed, a dense curtain of trees beckoning strangely. Without hesitation, I plunged into the cool shade, the silence thick and heavy. I circled the woods, my voice hoarse from calling your name, but only the rustle of unseen creatures answered. Panic gnawed at the edges of my reason. Had you vanished like the fleeting rainbow, leaving nothing but a memory and a growing sense of dread? Emerging from the trees, I stumbled onto the deserted road, heart hammering against my ribs. Still no sign of you
The playful afternoon sun hid behind the clouds. I saw ominous storm clouds gathering on the horizon, their bellies a bruised purple. Fat drops splattered on my face, the first whispers of a coming downpour. Rain. Again. A knot of worry tightened in my gut.
The sky fractured, unleashing again a deluge that transformed the path into a muddy river. Raindrops stung my face, blurring my vision. Several houses materialized through the downpour, their windows glowing with a warm, inviting light. But I didn’t flinch. Didn’t even consider seeking shelter. The past, a relentless storm in itself, clawed at me, its icy fingers wrapping around my heart. Taking refuge wouldn’t wash away the memories of the passionate moments we shared and the secrets behind the bruises I saw in your body. So I walked on, the rain a baptism of sorts, a cleansing that couldn’t erase the darkness but perhaps offered a sliver of hope for redemption.
A flicker of movement in the distance snagged my attention. Through the sheets of rain, a solitary figure emerged – a woman, her form obscured by a large umbrella. My heart hammered against my ribs, a frantic drumbeat against the storm’s symphony. As we drew closer, the pounding intensified. Could it be you? Had you managed to snag an umbrella, your earlier hesitation forgotten, and rushed back to the hut, fearing for me in the downpour? The thought ignited a spark of hope within me, a fragile flame that threatened to be extinguished by the relentless rain. I quickened my pace, my eyes fixed on the figure, willing them to move faster, to reveal themselves sooner. Every rustle of the wind, every flicker of movement beneath the umbrella, sent a jolt through me.
“Camille!” I shouted.
I quickened my pace, eager to see you again. But as I drew closer, I realized it wasn’t you. It was Elena, my fiancee.
“Jeff! I’ve been looking for you. Oh… you’re soaking wet. You’re so stubborn, you didn’t bring an umbrella.”
“Sorry… mo…mommy!”
The memory of the Camille touch sent a tremor through me, a stark reminder of the connection we’d shared just moments ago. Elena, with her worried frown and rain-streaked face, seemed to belong to a different world altogether. How could I have forgotten her existence so completely? Was it the heavy rain, the isolation, or something sinister at play? The weight of the forgotten ring meant to secure my future with Elena felt heavy in my pocket. Was this a desperate escape, a temporary lapse in judgment, or a deeper yearning for something I hadn’t acknowledged within myself? Elena’s presence, a symbol of my planned life, only intensified the confusion within me. And then, another question surfaced, one that sent a shiver down my spine: where was the stranger, and what secrets did they hold that could so easily erase the love I thought I possessed?
“It sounded like you were calling someone earlier? …mil or Hamil?”
“Huh? No… no…no… no… I said mommy.”
“Is that so! The rain was so heavy I probably misheard.”
That’s when the series of lies I told Elena because of you began.
“Let’s hurry. Take a shower as soon as we get home. I hope you don’t catch a cold. Kuya Daniel and his wife are coming. It’s a shame my sister in Italy can’t come home. Damn Covid.”
Elena’s warmth beside me felt like a comforting illusion. My arm, draped around her shoulder, felt heavy with a lie. My mind, a traitor to the moment, was a whirlwind of stolen glances and whispered conversations in a rain-soaked hut. With each step closer to her house, with each shared laugh and casual touch, the memory of you intensified. I kept searching, scanning the deserted streets, a desperate hope clinging to the edges of my despair. But there was nothing – no flicker of movement, no echo of your laughter in the wind. A wave of crushing defeat washed over me. The shared joy, fleeting and intense like a summer storm, had vanished, leaving only the bittersweet ache of loss. But then, a flicker of defiance sparked within me. You might be gone, a ghost in the storm, but I had a tangible reminder – your photo, tucked securely on my camera’s memory stick. It wouldn’t bring you back, but it would serve as a constant echo of our shared connection, a silent promise to unravel the mystery of your disappearance.
The life I’d built with Elena, once a haven of comfort, now felt like a house of cards, teetering on the edge of collapse. Six months of partnership, years of friendship – how could I throw it all away for a stranger encountered in a drunken stupor? Yet, the memory of your touch excites me, a stark reminder of an undeniable connection. Maybe it was the alcohol, a lubricant for unspoken desires. But why did I feel so abandoned after you left, your departure starkly contrasting our shared intensity? The beer’s haze may have lifted, but my mind was still foggy, clouded by unanswered questions. What was it about you that resonated so deeply? Why did you vanish without a trace? These questions, relentless and consuming, fueled a growing determination within me. I wouldn’t rest until I found you until I understood the truth behind the intoxicating encounter that threatened to destroy the life I knew.
“Hey, Dad, you seem really serious? You haven’t been paying attention to what I’ve been saying.”
“Huh, I’m just tired.”
“Tired? What did you do to get tired? Did somebody ride your flagpole?”
I knew Elena was joking, but I felt a pang when she said that. I thought of you and what we did.
“Hey… I asked if you somebody ride your flagpole?”
“What are you talking about, mommy?”
“Don’t pretend… you know what I’m talking about.”
“You’re funny, mommy… Who would do that here?”
“Who knows… maybe a forest fairy assumed a human form when she saw your handsomeness. Then…”
“Mommy, your imagination is really fertile. You’re not even a writer.”
“I’m just trying to make you laugh, Dad.”
Maybe you are a fairy. You’re so mysterious. You appeared suddenly… then disappeared suddenly. And now I’m under your spell.
“But you didn’t even laugh… you’re still serious. It’s like you’re thinking deeply about something.”
“Sorry, I just have a bit of a headache.”
That’s all I said so Elena wouldn’t feel bad.
“By the way, where is your brother Daniel coming from?”
“They live in the next village. They have a car, but they often just walk when they want to visit the house. There’s a shortcut through the mini rice terraces to get here. By the way… did you go there earlier?”
Should I say yes? Should I say I went to that place? Should I admit that’s where I came from?
“Huh… the terraced rice fields? I don’t think I noticed anything like that. You said the actual rice terraces are still far from here, right?”
“It’s still quite far, but some rice terraces are already here. They are also terraced.”
“Is that so,” I replied nonchalantly.
“You’ll find it beautiful if you haven’t seen it yet. That place is very scenic. Tomorrow, I’ll take you there so you can take lots of pictures and videos for your travel vlog. You’ll be amazed. And by the way… there’s a small hut there.”
“A hut?!”
“Yes, Dad… a hut… I’ll pack food, and we’ll eat there. I’ll bring beer for you… so that… you’ll see me as a goddess. And then… you know what happens next!”
I pulled Elena by the waist in response.
“My dad is really not in the mood.”
Should I tell her that I also know there’s a hut there, that I took shelter there when the first rain poured? Should I tell her we met there and something happened between us unintentionally? Did we really not intend for that to happen? Didn’t we want what happened there?
TO BE CONTINUED…
Hindi Nga Ba Ukol? (7)
(Last of 7 parts)
“Okay… okay… I feel like… I feel like…”
“Feel what?” Ang tanong ni Kath.
“I feel like doing a selfie.”
Natahimik kami pareho ni Kath. Kung nasa tabi ko lang sana siya. Gusto ko siyang yakapin, halikan… angkinin.
Napansin kong hinawakan ni Kath ang kanyang dibdib. Dahan-dahan niya itong hinimas.
“Marco… Marco… what is this that I am feeling? Shit!”
“Kath… sando mo… please take it off.”
“Marco… please… don’t make me do this. Let’s stop.”
“Please Kath…”
“Shit… Marco… bakit ang hirap mong tanggihan.”
Mula sa study table ay binitbit ni Kath ang kanyang laptop at nagpunta sa kanyang kama. Sumandal siya sa headboard ng kama at sa harapan niya’y nakalapag ang laptop.
I did the same. Nagpunta rin ako sa aking kama’t sumandal sa headboard. Nasa harapan ko rin ang gamit kong laptop.
Halos sabay kaming naghubad ni Kath… pantaas… pambaba… panloob.
“Kath… baby…”
“Marcooo…”
**********
Maraming beses naming ginawa iyon. Mula noon ay sa ganoon namin tinatapos ang aming pag-uusap halos tuwing gabing may video calls kami. Parehong sa kama na kami nakapuwesto tuwing nag-uusap.
Dumating ang pagkakataon na hindi na sapat sa akin na ganoon lang kami ni Kath. Gusto kong umuwi muna sa Pilipinas upang makasama ko siya.
Isang gabi…
“Marco… ano ba talaga ang plano mo sa akin… sa atin…”
Matagal ko ring hinintay ang pagkakataong iyon… na magtanong si Kath tungkol sa kung ano ang mga gusto kong gawin para sa aming dalawa.
“Kath… may gusto lang akong itanong bago ko sabihin sa iyo ang mga plano ko.”
“Go ahead… What is it?”
“Who do you love more… me or Jay?”
“Ridiculous!!!”
“Ang alin?” Ang tanong ko kay Kath.
“That’s a ridiculous question Marco.”
“Why!?”
“Why!!??… Are you playing dumb or are you really dumb Marco.”
Nasorpresa ako sa mga sinabing iyon ni Kath.
“Do you recall Marco when we talked before you left for Korea?”
Tumango na lang ako bilang tugon.
“I and Jay had a fight… right?”
Tumango ulit ako.
“…a fight that almost led to our separation.”
“Kath… please cut the story short. Why are you telling me about that.”
“Ha… Because you were the reason we fought you stupid shit.”
I couldn’t believe what I heard. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang magsalita.
“Jay knows everything about us at that time. I told him. He was so jealous. He was mad. Iyan din ang tinanong niya sa akin. Sino ang mas mahal ko siya o ikaw. I had to be honest with my answer. I told him it’s you. Nagalit siya. Naghamon ng hiwalayan. That’s why I talked to you that day. I wanted to tell you about it.”
Natandaan ko lahat ng iyon.
“But what did you tell me ha… napakagago mo Marco… You we’re so indifferent that day. I was expecting that you would be warm and would give me a hint that your feelings were still there. Pero ano ginawa mo? You told me na pag-usapan namin ni Jay ng mabuti ang problema namin and it’s best for us to reconcile. Itinaboy mo ako papunta sa kanya.”
Nakakagulat. Hindi ko akalaing ganoon. Had I known ay maaaring hindi na ako tumuloy ng pagpunta ng Korea at dinala ko na lang sana si Kath kung saang lupalop ng mundo man kami mapadpad.
“So. What did I do? The moment na nag-sorry si Jay at nangakong buburahin ka niya sa isip ko eh I grabbed the opportunity. Pero ano? Nabura ka ba niya sa isip ko? Hindi… di ba? Hindi ka naman siguro tanga para ipaliwanag ko pa kung bakit ko sinabing hindi ka niya nabura sa isip ko.”
Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. Nakinig na lang ako kay Kath.
“Sa halip na siya ang kausap ko sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, iton disoras na ito ng gabi, eh pinili kong ikaw ang kausapin. I never miss him. Not a bit. Pero ikaw… hindi kasya ang halos magdamag na magka-chat tayo. Minsan kahit sa araw tinatawagan kita. I want to see you all the time. Tapos ngayon tatanungin mo ako kung sino ang mas mahal ko… ikaw o siya? Stupid!!! Ikaw kaya ang sumagot ng tanong mong iyan. Sige Marco. Answer your own question. Who do I love more… you or Jay?”
“So… sorry Kath…”
“Don’t ‘sorry’ me Marco! Answer your own question!!!”
“Okay… Okay Kath. It’s clear to me. Mas mahal mo ako.”
“Gago… Ikaw lang ang mahal ko… I can’t say if I really love Jay. I just needed him. I needed somebody because you were not there.”
Nagsimulang umiyak si Kath.
“Tahimik na ako Marco. Bakit ba kasi nagparamdam ka pa ulit. Tanggap ko na hindi tayo ukol. Tanggap ko na eh. Pinapagaralan ko nang mahalin si Jay. Pero pumasok ka nanaman sa eksena.”
Kath stopped talking. She just kept sobbing. Ako naman ang nagsalita.
“Sino nga ba ang nakakaalam talaga at makakapagsabi kung ukol ba tayo sa isa’t isa o hindi? Kath… tayo ang magdedesisyon if we’re meant for each other or not.”
Nakayuko si Kath. Patuloy lang sa pag-iyak.
“Iiwanan ko si Anna. Makikipaghiwalay na ako sa kanya. Gusto ko magsama na tayo.”
Muling humarap sa webcam si Kath. Pinunasan ang kanyang luha at suminga ng bahagya.
“Ikaw… kaya mo bang iwanan si Jay?” Tanong ko sa kanya.
“Seryoso ka Marco?”
“Bakit? Nagbibiruan lang ba tayo dito? Is everything between us just a joke?”
“Paano ang mga anak ko?”
“Tatanggapin ko sila. Aariing ko bilang mga tunay na anak.”
Maraming bagay kaming pinagusuapan ni Kath. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang mga bagay na dapat naming gawin bago kami tuluyang makipaghiwalay sa aming mga asawa. Sinabi ko sa kanya na handa na ako. Hinihintay ko na lang ang kanyang magiging desisyon.
“Give me time Marco… give me time to think. Nalilito ako, Naguguluhan. I really don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.”
“Kath… baby… I will give you all the time you need to think. I have made up my mind a long time ago. The ball is in your court. Ikaw ang magpapasiya kung ukol ”
“Okay… Marco… it’s goodnight for now. Masakit ang ulo ko. I want to rest.”
Pinagbigyan ko ang kahilingan ni Kath.
“By the way, tomorrow’s Saturday… wala muna tayong video call. I need to go to Church early on Sunday. We have a very important activity.”
“I’ll see you on Sunday night then.”
“I’m not sure Marco. Let’s see.”
Hindi ako sigurado kung iiwanan ni Kath si Jay. Alam kong mahal niya ako pero maraming bagay siyang dapat i-consider bago siya mag-decide na sumama sa akin.
Maraming haharaping complications si Kath. Isa na doon ay ang posibleng iskandalo na haharapin namin kapag nalaman ni Jay o ni Anna ang tungkol sa amin. Kaya sinabi ko sa kanya na we would be keeping our relationship secret for some time kahit humiwalay na kami sa aming mga asawa. Isyu rin ang tungkol sa kanilang mga anak. Kapag nalaman ni Jay later na dahil sa akin kaya nakipaghiwalay sa kanya si Kath ay siguradong kapag hindi babawiin ang mga anak nila ay pagbabawalan ang mga itong makita ang kanilang ina. Kung tutuusin ay mas maraming isasakripisyo si Kath kaysa akin kung magdesisyon siyang sumama sa akin.
Pero sa tingin ko, lahat ng mga isyung naturan ay kayang harapin ni Kath alang-alang sa akin. Gagawin niya ang mga sakripisyong iyon para sa akin. Ganoon ako ka-confident. Confident rin ako na kung mamimili lang siya between me ang Jay ay ako ang pipilian niya.
Kaya lang, may involved na third party. Alam kong hindi lang si Jay ang karibal ko kay Kath. May kaagaw ako.
**********
Dumating ang Linggo ng gabi…
Si Kath na mismo ang tumawag. Parang mugto ang mga mata niya.
Sa study table nakalagay ang laptop na gamit ni Kath… hindi na sa kama. Ako’y sa kama pa rin nakapuwesto.
“How are you?” Ang panimula ko.
Inilapit ni Kath ang kanyang mukha sa direksyong ng webcam na gamit niya.
“I’m not okay Marco… not okay.”
“May… may I know why.”
Umiling-iling si Kath bago nagsalita.
“Sapol na sapol nanaman ako sa preaching ni pastor kanina.”
Nagsimula nanamang umiyak si Kath. Wala akong puwedeng sabihin na maaaring magpagaan ng kalooban niya. Nakinig lang nanaman ako sa kanya.
“Hindi lang kanina Marco na ganoon. Tuwing aattend ako ng midweek o Sunday service mula nang magsimula tayong to be seriously get involved with another, eh pakiramdam ko lagi ang pinatatamaan ng kung sino man ang naka-assign na mag-preach.”
Kung tutuusin, hindi si Jay ang matinding karibal ko kundi ang pananampalataya ni Kath sa Panginoon.
“Marco, are you not bothered by what we are doing?”
Hindi man ako pala-simba eh I believe in Him. Paano ko ba sasabihin kay Kath na ako man ay may struggles din katulad ng sa kanya. But I keep asking Him for forgiveness and understanding. Para kasing itinapon ko na sa basurahan ang aking konsensya. Wala na akong gustong mangyari kung hindi iyong makasama ko si Kath.
“I can’t take it anymore Marco. Every time we do those things we did, I feel so dirty.”
Mas lumakas pa ang iyak ni Kath.
“I am sorry Kath… This is all my fault.”
“No Marco. Hindi na ako bata. May isip naman ako. May sarili akong desisyon. Ginusto ko lahat ng ginawa natin. Ginusto kong pumasok sa relasyong ito na walang pumipilit sa akin. Kaya pareho lang tayong may fault dito.”
Gusto kong bigyan ng justification ang mga ginagawa namin. Pero anong justification ang puwede kong ibigay. Puwede ko bang sabihin na tao lang ang may gawa ng lahat ng existing moral standards?
“We love each other Kath. That’s all that matters.”
“Stop that Marco. Mahal nga natin ang isa’t isa pero mali eh. Patuloy ba tayong mamumuhay sa kasalanan?”
Puwede ko bang sabihin na mas malaking kasalanan na patuloy silang nagsasama ni Jay… at kami ni Anna… na alam naman namin pareho na hindi namin sila mahal?
“It has to stop Marco. We have to stop. Bago pa man na mabisto ni Jay… o ni Anna… o ninoman… ang mga ginagawa natin eh itigil na natin.”
Ano pa ba ang puwede kong sabihin para ma-convince ko si Kath na huwag tapusin ang relasyon namin.
“Marco… I am sorry. I am not choosing between you and Jay. I am choosing between what is right and what is wrong.”
Gusto ko sanang sabihin kay Kath na ako nama’y hindi namili sa pagitan ng kung ano ang tama at mali. Tatlo ang pinagpipilian ko – ang tama, ang mali, at si Kath. At si Kath ang pinili ko.
“Let’s just be friends Marco. But no more calls. Let’s go back to what it used to. Puwede tayong magkumustahan once in a while pero PM na lang.”
“Kath please… allow me to still call you…”
“Marco… we both know what will happen if we still do video calls. So please… Hayaan mo na ako. Tulungan mo ako sa gusto kong gawin. Mahihirapan din ako. Nasanay na ako na lagi kang kausap at alam mo kung gaano ako karupok pagdating sa iyo. But I have to bear it.”
“Basta Kath… I will still call you.”
“If you do that Marco, I will be forced na i-block ka sa Facebook. If you will call me using your phone, I will block your number as well.”
Wala na akong masabi. Tinignan ko na lang si Kath. Maaring iyon na nga ang huling pagkakataon na makausap ko siya.
“If you have nothing more to say, I have to end this call. Jay will be calling anytime soon. Ni-request ko iyon. Parte ng prosesong pagdadaanan ko. Sa halip na ikaw, siya dapat ang kausapin ko.”
Nasaktan ako sa narinig kong iyon. Pero ano ang magagawa ko.
“Ano, may sasabihin ka pa ba?”
Iling na lang ang naitugon ko kay Kath.
“Marco, for the last time… let me say this. I love you. But I have to learn to forget you. Sana maintindihan mo kung bakit ko kaylangang gawin ito. I am sorry.”
“I love you too Kath.”
“Goodbye now Marco. Pilitin mo sanang matutuhang mahalin si Anna. I wish the best for the two of you.”
Wala na si Kath. If that is for good, only God knows.
I lost Kath… not to Jay… but to her strong faith.
Mahirap talagang karibal ang Panginoon. Wala akong panalo.
Siguro nga eh tama si Kath… hindi kami ukol para sa isa’t isa.
– W A K A S –
The Runner-up
(A Dramatic Speech)
Thrice that I tried, thrice that I failed. That in a nutshell is the story of my attempts to represent our school in the annual extemporaneous speech competition. Had I won first place in the contest I should have been the school’s bet for that event. But as usual, I ended up the runner-up and my friend Athena the winner. She really is an excellent orator. Whatever I can do, she can do better. It is what it is. That’s it. Perhaps next year, I’ll just try declamation so I wouldn’t compete with her anymore.
“I was just lucky Christian!” That was Athena trying to console me after the contest.
“It has nothing to do with luck. You’re really a good speaker.” You deserve to win. Good luck with the speech competition.”
After saying “thank you,” Athena embraced me. Well, that’s my consolation prize, I got a hug from my friend.
Then the day of the competition came. I went to the school hosting the cultural contests to watch the different events. As soon as I reached the campus of the host school, my phone rang. It was Mrs. Simon, our school principal. She asked me to see her immediately so we could talk. Sensing the urgency in her voice, I headed hurriedly to the library of that school where she said she would wait for me.
“Christian… Athena is in the hospital now, she had an accident on her way here. She wouldn’t make it to the contest. Having won second place in our elimination you ought to substitute for her. You will be our contestant for the extemporaneous speech. The officers of the event allowed it.”
I was dumbfounded…speechless! She talked fast as if not wanting to give me the opportunity to say no. That’s vintage Mrs. Simon… direct to the point, firm, and wouldn’t take NO for an answer. No ifs, no buts. I didn’t know what to say then. I was worried about the fact that I’m joining a competition on so short a notice…but I was more worried about Athena.
“The contest starts in less than two hours. Do this not for yourself, not even for the school. Do this for your friend Athena. PLEASE!” Mrs. Simon implored.
I accepted the challenge and started preparing mentally. It’s good that I was familiar with the criteria for judging and the theme was the same one we used for our school competition. The only problem was the specific topic.
When Ms. Cruz, Athena’s coach arrived, we had a discussion about the contest rules and the possible specific topics the judges might give.
Then finally, the contest started. And as if having only less than two hours to prepare is not challenging enough, I even picked no. 1 in the drawing of lots making me the first contestant.
In a room adjacent to the contest venue, I was handed a piece of paper containing the specific topic written in a question form.
“What can you do to make the Philippines a better nation?”
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed. That’s not one of the possible questions I practiced with Ms. Cruz.
I had three minutes to prepare my speech…three minutes to think of how can I make my country better. Are the judges kidding me? They are giving me just a few minutes to solve the problems that bedeviled this nation for God knows how long.
Look! How many presidents took turns in running the show in Malacañang? How many years did each of them have to make this nation great? Did they succeed? NOOO!!! And here are the judges asking me to perform a miracle… make the Philippines a great nation… and I only have what… 3 minutes!!! Those presidents even had the help of the honorable senators and congressmen and here I am…just an ordinary boy… by my lonesome! What can I do?
Wait…wait…! Calm down Christian….calm down…this is just a contest…take the competition seriously and not the question…it’s only a question…it’s hypothetical. Don’t take it personally! Take a deep breath. Come on! Inhale….exhale…
I want to stop the hands of time. Every movement of the minute hand is like a knife slicing my mind, shredding to pieces my composure.
Until the last few seconds, nothing came to my mind. Then Ms. Cruz came telling me it’s time. I closed my eyes and whispered, “Dear Lord, please help me.”
Deliberately that I walked slowly towards the next room. Then I passed by one student standing on the hallway his head swaying to the music he’s playing on his cell phone. I know the song. It’s Michael Jackson’s “Man In The Mirror.” Then that part of the song I heard as I passed by the student was like electricity that lightened a bulb in my head.
That was one of my “aha moments.” God heard my plea.
“I am but a young man. Still struggling to get an education. I don’t have much to give… no brilliant ideas to share… to make the Philippines a better nation. I don’t have the power, the money, the influence to make any meaningful contributions to our society. But there is one thing I can do that might just be what this nation needs. In one of his songs, the king of Pop, the late Michael Jackson, said that if I want to make this world a better place, I have to take a look at myself then make a change. That exactly is what I intend to do. I cannot change the system of our government. I cannot change your ways of thinking and of doing things. I cannot change you…but I can change myself. I have the power to transform me. I can change my attitude in life. I can change my perspectives. I can be the best me. If only each of us can change for the better, the Philippines might be a better nation.”
That I supposed was the best part of my 3-minute speech. I did not stay in the contest venue after I delivered my impromptu speech. I went out and proceeded immediately to the hospital where Athena was confined. I was happy to see her sustaining just minor injuries.
While in the hospital, I got a call from Mrs. Simon informing me of the results of the contest. Guess what! NO! I did not win 1st place. I was again a runner-up. At least, along with the winner, I will represent the district in the provincial competition.
Anyway, winning the contest was not the great news I wanted to have that day… it was knowing that my friend Athena is okay after the accident.
Hindi Nga Ba Ukol? (6)
(6th of 7 parts)
“Well said… isa ba iyan sa mga inihanda mong speech para ma in love ulit ako sa iyo?”
“Bakit Kath… hindi ka ba in love.”
“Here we go again… Marco… we’re just friends now. Nothing more… nothing less.”
Tumahimik na lang ako matapos sabihin iyon ni Kath.
“Pero Marco… sino iyong tinutukoy mong puting rosas doon sa tula mong “Sa Hardin ng Puso Ko”?
Totoo ngang binabasa ni Kath ang mga tula ko. Alam niya ang ganoong ka-specific na detail sa tula kong iyon.
“Kath… obvious naman siguro na ikaw iyon di ba.”
“Ewan ko sa iyo Marco. Ewan ko sa iyo.”
**********
Mula noon, ang once a week naming video calls ay naging twice a week, minsan nga ay thrice. May mga pagkakataon na siya na mismo ang tumatawag sa akin. Minsan nga kahit hindi gabi ay nagugulat akong bigla na lamang siyang tatawag.
“O Kath, natawag ka. What’s up?”
“Sorry naabala yata kita… sige na cut ko na itong call.”
“No… no… no… Please don’t. Break ko ngayon. Nandito ako sa isang coffee shop. Balik ako sa office after 20 minutes.”
“Okay. What time ka uuwi mamaya?”
“You know my schedule Kath.”
“Ah yeah… Today’s Wednesday. You be home by 7:00 PM.”
“Yes baby!”
“BABBYY!? Me?”
“Yeah. Okay lang ba Kath kung tawagin kitang baby?”
“Magtigil ka nga Marco.”
“Sige na… just let me call you baby.”
“Bahala ka nga.”
“YEESS! Teka bakit nga pala natawag ka?”
Hindi sumasagot si Kath.
“Aha! Alam ko na. Miss ako ng baby ko.”
“Assuming ka Marco.”
Alam ko naman kung bakit tumawag si Kath. Hindi na niya kaylangang sabihin.
“Hoy Marco… sino iyang babae sa likod. Tingin ng tingin sa iyo ah.”
“Malay ko. Gusto mo tanungin ko pangalan?”
“Sira… Siguraduhin mo lang na hindi mo kasama iyan ha.”
“No baby. I don’t know her.”
“Okay Marco. I know you still need to go back to work. Ako naman eh preparing to attend our mid-week service sa church.”
**********
That night, excited akong tinawagan ulit si Kath. Katulad ng dati ay nagsend muna ako ng PM sa kanya.
“Hello Kath! Puwede po bang tumawag?”
Dati, it would take only a few seconds for Kath to respond indicating na hinihintay niya talaga na magparamdam ako. That time, ilang minuto na ang lumilipas ay hindi siya sumasagot. “Not seen” ang status ng message kong iyon.
Maraming bagay ang naglaro sa isip ko. Baka nakatulog siya o busy with something. O baka nagkaproblema at dapat niya ito ayusin.. O baka ayaw niya lang talaga akong kausapin.
After an hour, muli akong nagmessage.
“Kath… if there is something wrong… please tell me. But if you have just fallen asleep eh okay lang. I’ll just see you tomorrow. Goodnight baby.”
Nahiga ako pero hindi ako dalawin ng antok. Maya’t-maya eh tinitignan ko ang aking FB messenger checking if she has already responded. Pero wala.
**********
Hating-gabi na nang naglakas-loob akong tawagan siya sa Messenger.
Sinagot niya.
“Are you okay Kath?” Ang bungad ko sa kanya.
Umiling-iling siya.
“May I know why?” Ang tanong ko.
Matagal bago siya sumagot.
“Marco…”
“Sige lang… I am listening.”
“Marco… let’s stop this. Please stop calling me.”
“Why? Kanina nang tumawag ka okay naman tayo ah. Why all of a sudden eh ganito…”
“I’m sorry Marco… Ang tindi ng tama sa akin ng preaching ni pastor kanina. Sapol na sapol ako.”
“Bakit ka naman nasapol?”
“Can’t you see Marco? I long for your presence more than I long for Jay’s presence. Dati nag-uusap kami almost every night. Then you came back to my life. Now, I’d rather talk to you than to him.”
Natutuwa akong marinig ko iyon. Iyon ay isang pag-amin na mahal niya ako… na mahal pa rin niya ako hanggang ngayon. Pero hindi lubusan ang saya kong iyon dahil nararamdaman ko ang struggles ni Kath.
“Heto nanaman ako Marco. Nagpapakagaga sa iyo. Bakit ba pagdating sa iyo eh ang rupok-rupok ko.”
Hinayaan ko lang magasalita si Kath. Nakining lang ako.
“Tahimik na kasi ako noon Marco. Bakit kasi hindi mo na lang ako kinalimutan? Bakit kinulit mo pa ako ng kinulit? Kasalanan ko naman eh. I could have chosen to disengage earlier from that conversation when you greeted me on my birthday. Bakit kasi hinayaan ko na humaba ang paguusap natin noon? Bakit kasi sinagot ko iyong video call mong iyon?”
Pagkatapos niyang sabihin ang mga iyon eh may namagitang katahimikan sa pagitan namin.
“Mali itong ginagawa natin Marco. Tigilan na natin ito. Kalimutan mo na ako.”
“Kalimutan ka Kath? Sabi ko nga sa iyo di ba. Sinubukan ko. Pero ang hirap mong kalimutan. And I think I will never ever do that. I am sorry. I love you baby.”
Nakita kong tumitig direkta sa webcam ng laptop niyang gamit si Kath. She probably searched for my eyes.
“I love you too Marco… I love you. May God forgive me… but I love you.”
**********
Almost every night na kami nagkakausap ni Kath since then. Minsan kahit sa araw ay bigla na lang siyang tatawag… ganoon din ako. Kapag nami-miss ko siya eh tatawag ako at kahit sandali eh maguusap kami.
Kung naglalakbay kami sa dagat eh masasabi kong lumaot na kami ng lumaot ni Kath. Hindi na namin tanaw ang dalampasigang pinanggalingan namin. At hindi din ako nakakatiyak kung gusto pa namin bumalik sa dalampasigang iyon.
Isang gabi…
“Marco… gaano katotoo na mula nang mapunta ka diyan eh hindi ka umaano?”
“Umaano? Ano iyon?”
“Sus… akala mo naman hindi niya alam kung ano sinasabi ko. O sige… dyugdyug na lang. Mula ba noong nag-Korea ka eh hindi ka naka-dyugdyug?”
“Sabihin ko mang hindi eh maniniwala ka ba?”
“Mahirap lang paniwalaan… sa ano mong iyan eh parang imposible.”
“Sa ano? Anong ano sinasabi mo?”
“LIBOG… Sa libog mong iyan eh parang imposibleng hindi ka umaano diyan.”
“Sabi nang hindi nga eh… Kung gusto kong tumikim ng babae dito eh may pambayad naman ako. Kayang-kaya ng budget ko. Puwede ring akong manyota ng mga babaeng Pinay dito kung gugustuhin ko.”
“So… how do you… you know.”
Natawa ako sa tanong na iyon ni Kath.
“Selfie. Do you get what I mean.” Sagot ko.
“Sus, pa-cute ka pa. Ayaw pang sabihin masturbate.”
Nagtawanan kaming dalawa.
“Ayon na nga… Nagse-selfie ako Kath. Not necessarily dahil horny ako. Kaylangan kong i-realease iyon. Naniniwala ako na one way of avoiding prostate cancer eh there should be a certain number of times na mag-ejaculate ang lalaki.”
“Talaga?”
“Yes Kath. That’s the only reason I need to do it. Kaya nga ako twice a week mag-selfie.”
“Do you need stimulation kapag gagawin mo iyon?”
“Yeah… may mga adult websites akong pinupuntahan whenever I have to do it.”
“Ay… kadiri ka Marco.”
Nagtawanan ulit kami ni Marco.
“By the way Kath, I hope you don’t mind me asking. Ikaw… do you…”
Parang nahiya akong ituloy ang tanong na iyon.
“Masturbate? Do I masturbate? Is that what you want to ask?”
Tumango ako.
“No! During the first few days of Jay sa barko eh minsang sinubukan naming gawin iyon online.”
“Kath…You mean cybersex.”
“Yup Marco. But I wasn’t able to attain orgasm. I don’t know why. Kaya hindi na namin inulit.”
“Kath…”
“Yes Marco.”
May iba akong naramdam dahil sa pinaguusapan namin.
“Why Marco? Are you okay?”
“Ahh.. sorry Kath. I just felt something.”
“What is it?”
“Never mind Kath. I’ll be fine.”
“No Marco… tell me what you feel.”
“I said never mind Kath.”
“Marco… I said tell me.”
Hindi Nga Ba Ukol? (5)
(5th of 7 parts)
“Si… sino siya?”
“You mean hindi mo alam kung sino siya Kath?”
“Damn you Marco! Why don’t you just answer me. Sino siya?”
Pagkasabi niyon eh iniba ni Kath ang puwesto ng kanyang upuan. Halos nakatalikod na siya sa akin.
“Kath…”
Hindi sumagot si Kath. Wala siyang kibo.
“Kath… It’s you. It has always been you. You know that. I should have waited for you and not hastily committed to marry Anna. Hind ako dapat nakinig kay mama noon. Dapat itinuloy ko iyong balak kong dalhin ka sa Cebu noon.”
“Stop Marco… please stop.”
“Ang dahilan kung bakit ko piniling manatili sa piling ni Anna eh wala naman akong pupuntahan. Walang Kath akong pupuntahan. Wala ka.”
“I said stop!”
“Kung magkakaroon ulit ako ng relasyon, sa iyo lang dapat. Kung hindi din lang ikaw eh huwag na lang. I l love you Kath. I still love you after all those years. I never stopped loving you.”
“ANO BA MARCO!!! SABI KO TUMIGIL KA!!!”
Pagkasabi niya niyon ay tumayo si Kath. Umupo siya sa kama. Natatanaw ko siya. Hindi siya tumitingin sa monitor ng laptop. Tinatawag ko pangalan niya pero hindi niya ako nadidinig. Nakasaksak ang earphone sa laptop.
Hindi ko pinagsisihan na sinabi ko lahat ng iyon kay Kath. Lahat ng sinabi ko ay totoo. Hindi nawala ang pagmamahal ko kay Kath. Hindi ko lang sinabi iyon the last time we talked kasi very playful ang mode namin noon. That was not the right time to say it.
Binalikan ako ni Kath. Inilagay ulit sa kanyang tenga ang kanyang headset.
“Marco… do you know what you’re doing?”
Napaisip ako matapos sabihin iyon ni Kath. Alam ko namang pareho kaming married. Pero bakit ko piniling sabihin lahat ng iyon kay Kath.
“Naririnig mo ba ako Marco… I am asking… Do you know what you’re doing?”
“I do know Kath. I know what I am doing. I’m old enough to know what I am doing?”
“Okay… What are you doing?”
Seryoso si Kath.
“I am being honest about how I feel for you.”
“NO!!! Alam mo ba kung ano ang ginagawa mo? Ginugulo mo ang tahimik kong buhay. Ginulo mo ako noon… ginugulo mo nanaman ako ngayon.”
After saying that, Kath dropped the call. Hindi ko masasabing galit si Kath nang sabihin niya iyon. Ang nakita ko sa kanya ay parang struggle. Nahihirapan siya. Nalilito.
Gusto kong tawagan ulit si Kath. But I chose not to. Baka kasi lalo siyang magalit… halimbawa mang galit nga iyong nakita kong emotion niya.
Nahiga na lamang ako.
Tama naman si Kath. Tahimik na ang buhay niya at heto ako parang ginugulo ko nanaman siya. Nanaman dahil katulad noong naging intern ko siya eh wala siyang gustong gawin noon kundi magtrabaho at simulant ang kanyang career. At ano ang ginawa ko? Hinayaan kong mahulog ang damdamin niya sa akin samantalang alam ko naman na kasal na ako noon kay Anna.
Bakit nga ba ako na in love kay Kath? Dahil ba sa may problema kami noon ni Anna at nangangaylangan lang ako noon ng taong makikinig sa akin… ng taong makakaunawa sa mga pinagdadaanan ko noon? Dahil ba sa nakita ko kay Kath iyong mga qualities na gusto ko, qualities na wala kay Anna?
Hindi eh. Kahit siguro noong panahon na iyon ay wala kaming problema ni Anna, I would still fall in love with Kath. Napakadaling ma in love kay Kath. She is very smart and pretty. And she is more than beautiful. She is charming and sweet. Clingy. Kapag kausap ko siya noon eh parang ayaw kong matapos ang paguusap na iyon. Hindi lang naman tuwing may problema lang kami ni Anna na saka ko lang siya kakausapin. Iyon bang excited akong makarating noon sa opisina dahil alam kong nandoon siya.
Napakswerte lang ni Jay at siya ang pinakasalan ni Kath. Pero parang gusto kong subukang agawin sa kanya si Kath. It sounds ridiculous pero iyon ang gusto kong gawin.
Pero mukhang sablay ang naging first move ko. Mukhang natuliro ko si Kath. Parang I forced the issue at mukhang na-turn off siya. Sana naghinay-hinay lang ako.
*****
Hating-gabi na. Naisip kong baka tulog na siya. Minabuti kong huwag na lang siyang tawaga ulit. Parang nawalan ako ng confidence na tawagan siya.
Nagpasiya akong matulog na lang. Pero ko sana i-off ang laptop ko ang nagsend ako ng message kay Kath sa Facebook Messenger. After saying sorry I told her not to worry anymore dahil iyon na huling tawag ko sa kanya. Sinabi kong kahit kaylan eh hindi ko na siya guguluhin.
Hindi niya sinagot ang message ko… nag-video call siya.
I accepted the call.
Napakatagal bago may nagsalita sa amin.
“Kath…”
“O…”
“I’m sorry for telling you all those. Hindi ko intention na guluhin ka, na guluhin ang tahimik mong buhay.”
“Ginawa mo na, nagulo mo na… nagulo mo na isip ko.”
Dapat ko pa bang tanungin kong bakit nagulo ko ang isip niya. Malinaw. Mahal pa rin niya ako. Aminin man niya o hindi, tiyak kong mahal pa rin ako ni Kath.
“O ano Marco masaya ka ba na ginugulo mo ako?”
“Kath…”
“O… ano ba!? Kath ka lang ng Kath. Wala ka na bang ibang sasabihin?”
“Again… I am so sorry that I told you what I told you.”
“So… What could your sorry do?”
“Gusto ko lang naman na mag-reconnect tayo. Gusto ko lang na makausap ka ulit palagi katulad noon.”
“Bakit? Hindi mo ba puwedeng kausapin si Anna? Kausap lang pala ang gusto mo eh.”
“Nakakausap ko naman siya.”
“Oh, why do you still need to talk to me?”
“Kath… Hindi pa ba malinaw sa iyo? I long for your presence. It’s not that I want to talk to you. I want to see you.”
Umiling-iling si Kath. Medyo matagal bago siya sumagot.
“Marco… bakit ba kasi ayaw mo pa akong tantanan. Puwede bang hayaan mo na lang ako. Kalimutan mo na lang ako.”
“I tried to forget you Kath. God knows I tried.”
“Then?”
“Kath… I failed. I miserably failed.”
Totoo iyon. Sinubukan kong kalimutan si Kath pero ang hirap talagang gawin.
“Okay. Walang akong magagawa kung talagang ganyan ang nararamdaman mo sa akin. Pero don’t expect anything from me. I am a married. We’re both married. We both have children.”
“Naiintidihan ko.”
“What we have now Marco is nothing but friendship.”
“I understand. But please allow me call you kahit once a week lang.”
“Once a week lang pala eh. Walang problema.”
“Thank you Kath. I love you.”
“Marco… as I said. What we have is nothing but friendship.”
“Why Kath? Can’t friends not say I love you to one another?”
“Palusot ka pa ha.”
“Hindi ah. What I said is true. Friends do say I love you to one another.”
“Okay… okay… I love you too my friend.”
Nangiti ako sa narinig ko at hindi iyon nalingid kay Kath.
“Hoy… bakit nangingiti ka diyan. What I said is clear… may friend sa dulo.”
“Yeah… yeah. Fair enough for me.”
“Sige na Marco. Let’s talk some other time. It’s very late now. Kaylangan kong gumising ng maaga. May pasok mga bata.”
“Ow sorry… kinain ko na oras mo.”
“No worries Marco.
“Okay Kath! Thanks for the time. See you soon. Sleep well.”
“I’m not sure of that Marco. We’ll see. I’ll drop the call now. Good night.”
**********
In the next two weeks ay nagkaka-video call kami ni Kath sa gabi kapag tulog na ang mga anak niya. Excited kaming nagkuwentuahan tungkol sa mga bagay na nangyari sa bawat isa sa amin since the last time na nagkita kami before ako pumunta dito sa South Korea.
Naging member daw siya ng isang Christian group kung saan siya uma-attend ng mid-week at Sunday worship. Very active daw siya sa church na iyon. Umaattend din daw doon si Jay kapag siya’y nagbabaksayon doond sa Pilipinas.
Sa parte ko naman ay sinabi ko sa kanya na sineryoso ko ang aking pagsusulat at nag-create ako ng website para sa mga sinusulat ko. At nasorpresa ako ng sabihin niyang alam niya ang tungkol sa website.
“Aaminin ko na updated ako sa mga posts mo sa website. Binabasa ko ang mga sinusulat mong tula at mga kuwento.”
“Ibig sabihin eh, alam mong ilan sa mga kuwento at tula ko ay tungkol sa iyo… tungkol sa nararamdan ko sa iyo.”
“Ayaw kong mag-assume Marco.”
“Are you playing naïve Kath?”
“Ayaw ko nga lang mag-assume. Ano ba?” Why don’t you just tell me?”
“Yes Kath. Whenever I need an inspiration or a motivation to write poems and stories. Iyong memories natin ang pinghuhugutan ko. Whatever emotion I need to portray … joy… love… pain… and what have you, I think of you. I think of the ‘we’. I mean iyong tayo na hindi nangyari.”
