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Edge of the Fall (Part 4)
(A Short Novel)
Light greeted my waking. It hurt my eyes. I closed them again. I felt my body aching all over. When I breathed, there was pain around my ribs.
I turned to my side and opened my eyes again, slowly.
I’m still alive. I’m not in heaven or hell, not in that mountain. I’m in a hospital room.
Two needles were stuck in my hand. Those are for the IV fluids that were hanging over the bed. I had an oxygen mask on, and it made me feel uneasy. I lifted it to check if I still needed it. When I realized I could breathe comfortably without it, I decided to take it off.
My arms were covered in bruises, and I was pretty sure my body and legs were too.
When I looked toward my feet, I noticed a woman with her head resting on the bed where I lay. It seemed she was watching over me. I wondered who it could be.
I tried to sit up, but my ribs hurt a lot. Could one or two of them be broken?
My movements awoke the woman.. She stood up and looked at me.
I knew the woman. I couldn’t be mistaken. She was the woman from the mountain. Without any hesitation, she hugged me. I was surprised, especially when she started crying unabashedly. It was awkward. I didn’t know whether to push her away or hug her back.
She was the reason I got beaten. She put me in harm’s way. Should I blame her?
Her hug tightened. At that moment, I suddenly remembered my sister. She would hug me tightly and cry, the way a woman does, whenever I confronted her about her wrong decisions.
“Dangsin-i sal-a gyesim-eul gamsadeulibnida.”
She thanked God that I was still alive. Should I also thank her for having survived the beating I got from her compatriots? Or blame her for being unable to push through with my plans.
“Jeongmal mianhae. Geugeos-eun modu nae jalmos-ieossda.”
The woman apologized, admitting that what had happened was her fault.
If you think about it, who was to blame for the beating I got? Could I blame the men who hit me, thinking I was assaulting their fellow citizen and a woman? If I had stumbled upon such a scene—a woman screaming, desperately trying to escape a man holding her tightly as they wrestled on the ground—what would I have done?
But is it my fault that it all happened because I stopped the woman from jumping? Was it right for me to try to stop her from taking her own life? The questions swirl inside me like a bitter winter wind, numbing any clarity I might have had. Yet, beneath the cold, like a hesitant bud breaking through the frost, I wonder if there’s any chance for warmth—if I did the right thing or if I’ve just trapped us both in an endless winter. Because of what I did, we continue to live. But does that mean we’ll also continue to feel the pain caused by those who neglected their promise to love us?
“How stupid of me. I put you in danger.”
She could speak English.
“Okay… okay… Just wait a moment! Let go of me first. I can’t breathe.”
She broke free from the hug. To my surprise, she knelt.
“Please forgive me.”
“Wait… wait… Please stand up. Don’t do that.”
The woman didn’t move. Her knees remained glued to the floor as she held my thigh.
I tried to stand. My legs and joints were in pain, but I managed. I placed my hands on her shoulders and gently lifted her.
“I am not blaming you for what happened to me.”
She stood up and hugged me again.
“Thank you. Thank you. But I’m sorry.”
After saying that, she gently sat me back down on the bed.
“Just sit down. You’re still weak. You are badly injured.”
I heeded her advice. I sat back on the edge of the bed.
“You might want to know. The doctors said all you have are bruises and contusions. None of your bones are broken.”
She pulled a chair and sat right in front of me. I couldn’t help but notice how comfortable she seemed doing all those things, as if we had known each other for a long time.
“By the way, I’m Su Jin.”
“Oh, and I’m…”
“Joseph! You’re Joseph. You’re from the Philippines. I’m sorry. I opened your wallet. I had to get information about you when I brought you here.”
I paused for a moment.
“Well, I think you had no choice but to do that. It’s okay.”
She took my cell phone and wallet from her bag and handed them to me.
“Here. Oh… I have your other personal belongings in my car.”
“Thanks. By the way, how long have I been here?”
“This is the second night.”
“How were you able to bring me to this hospital… from the mountain?”
“Those men helped me. I explained to them what happened. They’re very sorry. They were drunk at that time.”
Then I remember how I almost died in the hands of those men.
Ah, by the way, they’re paying for your hospitalization. They’re hoping you would not sue them and settle things amicably.”
Should I file a lawsuit? It doesn’t seem like it. If I were in their position, I might have done the same. It’s enough that they helped bring me to the hospital.
“I told them that they should pay you also for damages, especially if you decide not to work for some time because of what happened. They agreed. I’ll call them later so they can come and talk to you.”
It’s nice to think that she seems to have arranged everything. And she speaks English well. That’s not common among them. Unlike most of her countrymen, she must have graduated from university overseas or studied English seriously.
“How come you can speak English so well?”
“I studied in the US for almost 10 years. I just completed my Master’s there recently.”
That explains it.
“I was also able to contact your family in the Philippines.”
“Really? How?”
“Through your embassy. Your sister is coming to pick you up. She said you need to go home and take a break. By the way, Joseph…”
“Yeah?”
Su Jin hesitated. She seemed to want to say something, but was shy about it.
“Ah… Your sister told me your story.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know what happened.”
I didn’t know whether to be upset or not. My sister was so nosy.
“Is that so?”
She nodded and said, “We’re on the same boat.”
When I heard that, I couldn’t help but laugh a little. Su Jin laughed too. I don’t know why remembering what Jinky and my brother did to me didn’t bring any more bitterness.
Then she added, “They broke our hearts.”
I nodded, then said, “You wouldn’t believe this.”
“What?” Su Jin asked.
“I was on that mountain that afternoon to commit suicide.”
Su Jin froze.
“You want me to believe that!”
“But that’s the truth. Believe it or not.”
“Stop it, Joseph! I don’t believe you. You didn’t go there to die. You were there to save me. And you did.”
I just kept silent and listened to what she said. Who would believe that I went there to commit suicide? But instead of death, I found a new lease of life. But who was there for whom? Me for her or her for me. Perhaps we were there for each other. We were there to put an end to the harsh winter we experienced. We provided each other a spring of hope.
She took my hand. Her palms were so soft. She smiled and looked at me. Then, I realized how beautiful and sweet her face was, like the first bloom of spring pushing through the stubborn frost.
“”I owe you my life. You saved me. You are a very good man.”
I gently squeezed her hands in response, not knowing what to say. After all, was she the only one saved when I stopped her from jumping? I got saved as well.
“Thank you, too, Su Jin.”
She nodded and smiled and slowly bowed her head.
I don’t believe in fate. Everything that happens in a person’s life is the product of their collective decisions. But before I established my own belief system, informed by the things I learned and experienced, as well as the ideas I read and decided to embrace, my father told me when I was a boy that there are times when God intervenes in human affairs. Subconsciously, I sometimes revert to what my father said, rather than clinging to my new belief about fate. Additionally, he stated that everything happens for a reason.
So, how should I put it? Was it the will of God that I climbed the mountain that day to prevent Su Jin from jumping? But who prevented whom from jumping? It’s hard to believe that God would will Jinky and my brother to commit that treachery against me so that I would go to the mountain and eventually meet Su Jin. I think I met her on the mountain because we both decided to go there for personal reasons. But whatever it may be, it’s no longer important.
“By the way, aren’t you hungry?” That was Sujin breaking the silence as she let go of my hands.
“I brought some food.” She pointed to the table.
“Yeah, actually, I’m starving. Is there coffee available?”
“I’m afraid not, but there’s a café nearby. I’ll buy us coffee. What do you want?”
“Is it okay?”
“Of course!”
“Can you get me a caramel macchiato, please?”
“Sure! I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Wait!” I opened my wallet.
“No please. It’s on me.”
Before she left the room, Su Jin looked back at me. She smiled again.
“Don’t go anywhere, okay? Don’t run away from me.”
I laughed at what she said. Su Jin had a sense of humor.
I thought about her words before she left. It was funny, but honestly, I’d feel regret and sadness if she didn’t come back. It felt like she was filling some gap in my life at that moment. Did she feel the same way?
After a while, the door opened.
“Oh, you’re still here. I am glad you didn’t try to escape.” She said as she handed me the coffee.
“You’re funny.”
“Am I?”
She took a piece of bread from the table and gave it to me.
“By the way, your sister invited me to visit the Philippines. I’d like to. May I go with you and your sister? PLEASE. I need a little break.”
I looked at her and smiled.
“Chincha?”
I asked if she was serious. She looked like she was.
“Ne!.. Boo ta kam ni da!”
She retook my hands. She squeezed them tightly. It felt like she was warning me that if I disagreed, she’d twist my hands.
When I nodded, I saw how her face lit up with happiness.
“Yes! Gomabseubnida!”
Su Jin thanked me, and in her joy, she hugged me again. I hugged her back and rested my head on her shoulder. She allowed it. In that moment, the warmth of her embrace felt like the first rays of spring breaking through my heart’s long, harsh winter, offering a glimpse of renewal I hadn’t dared to hope for.
As for my mother, elder brother, and Jinky, I think I would eventually learn to forgive and forget, like the last snow of winter thawing and finally giving way to the soft bloom of spring.
Edge of the Fall (Part 3)
(A SHORT NOVEL)
I was about to start eating when someone arrived.
A woman.
I felt disappointed. Somebody had seen me. Our eyes met for a few seconds when she looked in my direction. It was the last thing I wanted to happen, for I didn’t want to leave even the slightest hint of my impending disappearance. She could possibly see my photo as a missing person when I finally hide lifeless at the bottom of this mountain. She could potentially provide a clue to my whereabouts.
I just hoped she’d leave quickly so I could dive into the ocean of rocks at the bottom of the mountain after I eat and finish my drink.
The woman was alone. I did not see anybody following her. Her brow was furrowed, her face set in a frown, and her eyebrows knitted together. Yet, even beneath the frown, her beauty remained undeniable, like the first flowers of spring pushing through the frost, fragile yet full of life.
She walked right past me, ignoring my presence. She was dressed in baggy jeans and a red hoodie, the vibrant color accentuating her fair skin. The soft breeze seemed to carry a hint of spring with it, the scent of blooming flowers—though the chill of winter still lingered in the air.
I followed her with my eyes. She stopped and sat on top of a rock. She had her back to me. She held her cell phone up to her ear. I wasn’t sure if she was receiving a call or making one. All I knew was that she was talking to someone and sounded like she was arguing with them.
Instead of eating, I watched her, hoping she’d leave quickly. Inadvertently, I eavesdropped on their conversation. Admittedly, she succeeded in distracting me from the very reason I was there.
The woman took the cell phone away from her ear, and it seemed like the conversation was over. I was startled when the woman suddenly screamed.
“Neohui dul-eun jiog-e gal su-iss-eo.”
I didn’t catch everything she said, just the words ‘hell’ and ‘two.’ Maybe she was telling the person she was talking to and anyone else involved to go to hell.
Then she stood up and repeatedly slammed the cell phone against the nearest pine tree to me.
Smash!
Some pieces of the broken cell phone even landed at my feet.
The woman sat down on the ground, sulking. She looked like a child who had been robbed of a toy.
“Salanghae! Geuleona wae?”
Apparently, her boyfriend had left her. She was crying. She sobbed like a child. Did I do the same? What a shame that the answer is yes. I cried a river upon learning that the woman I was about to marry was impregnated by no less than my brother.
I felt pity for her, understood her, and could relate. I stood up to give her a tissue.
As the saying goes, “Misery loves company.”
I slowly approached her. Just as I was about to hand her the tissue, she suddenly stood up and stepped over the rope blocking the way. She stopped right at the edge of the mountain. One wrong step, and death awaited her.
It seemed like she wanted to jump to her death… just like me. The difference is mine is planned, hers was a spontanneous decision.
I stepped over the rope, too.
She turned to look at me. Her eyes looked furious.
“Deo isang dagaoji mal-ayo.”
I understood what she said. She didn’t want me to approach her.
I stopped. But as she was about to jump, I quickly grabbed her arm.
She struggled to break free as I pulled her from the mountain’s edge. I was like winter, holding her back. Like the spring desperately trying to emerge but unable to break my frozen grip on her. When she kicked me in the thigh, I let go of her, but she didn’t manage to jump. Instead, I hugged her tightly from behind and lifted her away from the edge, keeping her from the precipice, like the last bit of warmth trying to push through the bitter cold.
“Naleul noh-ajwo!!!”
She wants me to let her go, but I didn’t. She was screaming and struggling until we both fell and rolled down the ground, luckily away from the edge of the mountain. She elbowed me several times. Cursed at me.
Then suddenly I heard something.
“GEUNYEOLEUL NAEBEOLYEODWO!”
That was a man’s voice.
It seemed like there was someone else.
And there was… and not only one.
A group of men suddenly arrived and saw us in that state.
They ran towards us. One pulled the woman away from my grip, and the others grabbed me. Three of them were holding me. They were reeking of liquor.
Everything happened so fast. A pair of slaps landed on my cheeks. Followed by a powerful punch in the stomach that put me to my knees.
I gagged from the pain.
They took turns slapping me. One of them was even pulling my hair. My ears rang from the force of the slaps that hit me.
While I was kneeling, I looked up at the men surrounding me. I held onto one of their knees.
“Please…”
“Dakcho!!! Shibalnoma!”
One of them cursed and even spat on my face.
“Let me explain,” I said in broken Korean.
But they wouldn’t let me. I received an endless barrage of punches and kicks… to my face… to my stomach… to my thighs.
I think my eyes were the only parts of my body that didn’t get hit.
While I tried in vain to parry the punches and kicks of my assailants, I managed to gaze at the woman still being held by the man who had pulled her away. She said something to the men, but I couldn’t understand her words. She was desperately trying to break free from the man’s hold.
Blood was dripping from the wounds they inflicted on me, but they wouldn’t stop. Their punches and kicks were like the unforgiving chill of winter—cold, relentless, and numbing, cutting through my body just as the frost cuts through the warmth of spring. One cut me off when I ran toward the mountain’s edge, hoping to jump and still achieve what I came here for. I fell to my knees again.
It wasn’t jumping off the mountain that was going to kill me; it was the merciless beating from these men. I didn’t intend to go that way
I regret not jumping as soon as I got there. I should not have planned to have a last supper. Instead of the food I brought, I ate painful punches and kicks and had their swearing and cursing as my side dishes. Should I’ve just let the woman do as she wished and followed her to the bottom of the mountain? It would’ve been just a flash of pain. Maybe I wouldn’t even feel it. Unlike the beating from these men, which was slowly killing me with pain, like the bitter cold of winter, it was relentless. I thought of spring—of the warmth and the possibility of change—but it felt as distant as a dream I couldn’t reach. I couldn’t even imagine it, not when I was trapped in this frozen moment, slowly succumbing to the cruelty of my assailants.”
Before I lost consciousness, I saw the woman managing to free herself from the clutches of the man who had grabbed her earlier. She ran toward me. She was trying to stop the men from beating me. I felt her body pressing against mine, her warmth a brief, fleeting contrast to the cold fury of the men beating me. As she tried to shield me from the relentless anger of her countrymen, it felt like the first sign of spring pushing through a long, unyielding winter. But it was too brief, too fragile, just like the hope I barely dared to feel. I struggled to stay awake, but my eyes just shut. Everything went dark.
To be continued…
Edge of the Fall (Part 2)
(A SHORT NOVEL)
“Okay… okay, son.”
My mother broke the icy silence, her voice trembling, like the first sign of spring struggling to push through the stubborn grip of winter, unwilling to fully embrace the warmth.
“Ah… Joseph. Son, are you still with me?”
It was the last thread of patience and respect I had for my mother that made me still answer her.
“What is it this time, Mom?”
“Well, you see…”
I anticipated what my mother was going to say.
“Your brother is here. I want you two to talk. I’m begging you.”
The last thread of patience I had snapped. I didn’t respond to my mother’s supplications. I ended the call. That could never happen again – for me to talk to my mother’s eldest son. If, by some miracle, my bones and skull had not been crushed when I hit the rocks and I survived hypothermia thereafter, I would never shake the hands of my mother’s favorite son ever again. If I get to survive the plunge, we’d never reconcile.
It would have been easier to accept what happened if he hadn’t been involved. If it was another man who stole Jinky away from me, I wouldn’t be as devastated as I am now. But of all the people, why my brother? The brother who once promised, when we were little, that he would always have my back. Yeah, he had my back—just long enough to stab me in it.
My mother tried several more times to call, but I decided to disregard them all. If I weren’t waiting for any other call, I would have turned off my phone and thrown it away. The silence felt colder than the buzzing phone in my hand, like a winter storm that refused to let up, relentless and unforgiving.
I had no one on my side. Of course, my mother would favor her favorite child. Maybe my friends understand me. I’m sure they know what happened. It’s very unlikely they have not heard about what happened. Many of them were invited to my wedding, which was supposed to happen today. But instead of tying the knots with the woman I love and celebrating, here I am walking by my lonesome, unable to understand what was happening despite my best efforts. What Jinky and my brother did to me was beyond comprehension, beyond forgiveness. The winter may eventually give way to spring, but never will this hatred that I have for them.
There have been calls and texts from my country. Some are even sending me private messages on Facebook. My Messenger and email are flooded with messages, but I have not responded to one of them. The advice and opinions of my well-meaning friends will not be able to console my grieving soul. They don’t know what it’s like to feel stranded alone on a desolate island in the middle of an unyielding winter, with no warmth and no escape from the cold.
Whatever they say, it’s still me who will decide for myself. This is my life. I think no one can help me. No one can change what has happened.
What about God? Could He change everything that happened? If only He could. But I know that’s not how my Creator works. He doesn’t interfere. He doesn’t take sides. As I understand it, He lets people make their own decisions and face the consequences of their actions.
When a person is born, the wheel of their fate begins to turn. Sometimes, they’ll get caught in that wheel. It’s too bad if they can’t avoid it and get crushed. Trapped. Crushed. Just like me now. Crushed. Completely crushed. It’s the weight of winter, bearing down, suffocating, unrelenting. No spring in sight to soften the blow, no light to cut through the darkness.
Is what happened to me a consequence of my past mistakes? Has karma come to collect my debt? I admit to committing sins in the past; I am not a saint. But this is unfair. I was made to pay more than what I owe.
I can’t wait to get to the top of the mountain. I just want to slam my head against the rocks repeatedly until my skull breaks.
**********
I continued my farewell walk.
I estimate I’m halfway there. I started drinking the beer. I want to get drunk. I should be inebriated by the time I reach the summit. I need the courage that alcohol lends, so I will not have second thoughts about doing what I came here for. There’s no more turning back. I needed to be intoxicated so I would not listen to that little voice inside my head that started whispering to accept what happened and just move on. I even thought in the convenience store earlier that if it weren’t illegal and they had cocaine, I might buy it. Not because I want to feel high before I die, but I want to be high enough to think I’m a bird and not hesitate to jump.
When I finished the second can of beer, my phone rang again. This time, it wasn’t my mother. It was Luis, my lawyer friend. That’s the call I was waiting for.
“Hey, how are you?”
I didn’t answer right away. I could hear him clearly, but so many things were racing through my mind.
“Hello… Joseph?”
“Yeah.”
“You sound like you’re out of breath.”
“I’m walking.”
“Where?”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“I was just checking in. Are you okay?”
“Why is everyone asking about my condition? Why do you still need to ask? If you were me, how would you feel today? Would you be okay?”
“Okay… okay… wait… relax. You seem a little hot-headed. Simmer down, brother. I’ll call you later.”
Then he was gone. He hung up the phone. I felt a strong urge to throw my phone away, but I held my horses. I took a deep breath. Something remained from the motivational videos I’d watched. You’re supposed to breathe deeply when you’re angry or confused. Sudden anger and confusion indicate that your brain is running low on oxygen.
After a few deep breaths, I called Luis back.
“Luis, I am so sorry brother. I’m just really carrying too much of a heavy load right now. You know that. Sorry… my bad.”
“It’s okay, Josep. I understand what you’re going through. This day should be a happy one for you, but…”
“Please, let’s not talk about it.” I politely cut him short.
“Okay… okay. By the way, I already asked about the house and lot. You don’t have any claim on it. The land title is in Jinky’s name. Oh, Luis, you should have at least included yourself as owner of the propery.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I don’t know what to say.
“Your only hope now is if she voluntarily surrenders it to you. And brother, about the joint account, the money was withdrawn three days ago. Apparently, your fiancée has kept a blank withdrawal slip that bears your signature.”
I felt that the world was caving in on me.
“… and Joseph. I was able to comfirm through your mother that indeed Jinky is pregnant, and your elder brother is the father.”
I couldn’t make sense of anything else said. My mind went blank. The words just… didn’t reach me. Suddenly, I realized I wasn’t talking to him anymore. I don’t know if he or I ended the conversation. My thoughts were completely scattered, lost in a fog of disbelief, like I was trapped in the deep freeze of winter, unable to feel anything but the cold. I took a few more deep breaths, tried to steady myself, and took a few more steps—like the faintest hint of spring pushing against the harshness of winter, only then did I feel the ground under my feet again.
Turns out, I’m just really stupid.
“I’M SO STUPID!”
I shouted that over and over. I don’t even know how many times.
I called out my fiancee’s name, my brother’s name, and cursed them… many times.
I continued walking toward the top of the mountain. I want to end it all. I don’t want to experience another night alone in my room. I’ll just stare blankly into nowhere and drown myself in alcohol until I’m gasping from being drunk.
I opened the bottle of Korean wine. I drank while walking. My steps weren’t staggered yet. They were still steady. The path hadn’t tilted. The beer didn’t affect me, so I decided to go hard instead.
Before, when I’d climb this mountain, I’d drink water while walking. I’d take selfies here and there. I’d listen to my favorite songs by a Filipino band called Eraserheads while humming along, making my way up the trail. And when I’d hear the song “Ligaya,” I’d sing along from beginning to end.
I played the songs again. But I couldn’t sing along from beginning up to the end of the songs, except for a few lines.
“Ilang awit pa ba ang aawitin o giliw ko… gagawin ko ang lahat pati ang thesis mo…”
(“How many more songs will I sing, my love… I’ll do everything, even your thesis…”)
That darn person made me do her master’s thesis. When I jokingly said I’d only do Chapter 3 once we were a couple, she immediately said yes. That’s how we started our relationship. When I said jokingly that I’d finish up to Chapter 5 only if she slept with me, she gave in right away. At that time, I wondered how many of their university’s graduates paid someone else to do their thesis or dissertation. Did they pay with money or their dignity, or both, just to get a Master’s or a PhD.
“…At ang galing-galing mong sumayaw. Mapa boogie man o cha cha. Ngunit ang paborito ay ang pagsayaw mo ng El Bimbo. Nakakaindak…nakakaaliw…nakakatindig balahibo.”
(…And you’re really great at dancing. Whether it’s boogie or cha-cha. But my favorite is when you dance the El Bimbo. It’s so infectious… so entertaining… it gives me goosebumps.)”
And my favorite lines from all of Eraserheads’ songs…
“Magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay. Na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig ng tunay.”
(“Our hands are held together, and we’re unaware. That you taught my heart to love for real.”)
For the first time, I took a woman seriously, and for the first time, I truly loved someone. Yet, this is what happened.
“F_ _ K YOU!!!
It feels so good to curse.
“F_ _ K YOU!!!
Cursing sounds so much sharper when you shout it.
I kept listening to the songs while finishing the wine as I walked. By the time I was hoarse and the bottle was empty, I was near the top of the mountain. Only a few more steps, and I’d reach my final destination.
I felt a mix of fatigue and dizziness, and my vision seemed to spin a bit. It was time to rest again. I chose to lie on the ground, surrounded by a few scattered dry leaves, rather than lean against a tree. I don’t know; I just felt like it.
From that position, I saw that it was a bright, sunny day, with only a few cloud formations dotting the sky.
**********
A few minutes passed before I stood up and started walking again.
Finally, I reached the top. I had reached my personal Golgotha… I had successfully carried the cross of my Calvary to its final destination. I was still wearing my crown of filth. I was about to crucify myself. I was going to pierce my side with a spear.
That part of the mountain was open. There were benches and a small hut for resting. Large rocks and some pine trees lined the side, with thick ropes blocking the way. There were warning signs in Korean saying not to cross the rope. That area of the mountain was steep and slippery, making it dangerous.
That very danger was what I wanted to challenge. I crossed the rope. I walked toward the edge of the mountain. One more step, and there would be no ground beneath me.
But I wasn’t ready to jump yet.
I had a ceremony to do first. Like the Japanese samurai before, they performed “hara-kiri,” when they’d rather kill themselves than be captured by the enemy. But for me, instead of slicing open my stomach, I would fill it with food.
It was a deep fall. Rocky and filled with pine trees. I marked a spot where there were fewer trees. That’s where I’ll perform my leap, not of faith, but of death. I just hoped I wouldn’t get caught on those trees so that I could be sure I’d die. Even if I did get caught in the trees, I’d be sure to break my bones, and eventually, I’d die. It wouldn’t be noticed that there was a body there. Especially once the trees had leaves again.
I found the nearest flat rock and laid out the remaining beer, wine, and food I had brought.
I was about to start eating when someone arrived.
A woman.
To be continued…
Tuwing Bubuhos Ang Ulan (7)
(Last of 7 Parts – A Novelette in Filipino)
Hindi nanaman ako nakatulog halos dahil sa iyo. Kahit ganoon ang naging desisyon ko, kahit hindi kita sinipot upang magkasama sana tayong umalis ng Sagada eh aaminin kong may nararamdaman pa rin ako sa iyo. Hindi basta-basta na lang na biglang maglalaho ang pagtangi ko sa iyo. Sa maniwala ka o hindi, kung hindi lang buntis si Elena, eh magkasama tayong umalis ng bayang iyon.
Bumangon na ako nagtungo sa kusina. Iniwan ko sa kuwarto si Elena na natutulog pa. Nang makapagtimpla ako ng kape eh nagpunta ako sa terrace. Nandoon pala kayo ni Daniel. Nakita kong nakahilig ka sa kanyang balikat at siya nama’y nakahawak sa iyong baywang. May naramdaman ako, alam ko ang tawag doon – selos. Nang akmang babalik ako sa loob ng bahay eh napansin ako ng asawa mo.
“Oh bayaw, gising ka na pala.” Wika ni Daniel.
“Oo nga. Inagahan ko at ihahanda ko pa iyong mga gamit ko. Lalabas kasi ulit ako mamaya, pupunta ako sa Marlboro Hills.”
“Maganda nga doon bayaw, magsasawa ka sa pagkuha ng mga pictures doon. Pasensiya na nga pala sa abala namin sa inyo kagabi.”
“Wala iyon kuya.”
“Teka… ako nga pala eh mauuna na. Lilinisin ko kasi iyong taniman namin ng gulay.”
“Ah ganoon ba. O sige, ingat kayo kuya.”
“Ako lang ang muna ang aalis, dito daw muna si Camille. Susunduin ko na lang siya mamayang hapon.”
Bago umalis si Daniel ay hinalikan mo siya sa labi. Habang hinahalikan mo siya ay bakit ba naisipan mong tumingin sa akin? Yumuko na lamang ako. Bakit nga ba ako nakakaramdan ng selos?
Binuksan ko ang gate para sa asawa mo. Nang makaalis siya’y bumalik ako sa terrace.
Nang malapit na ako sa kinauupuan mo’y tumayo ka at bigla mo akong sinampal… dalawang beses… sa magkabilang pisngi.
“Bakit?”
Ang tanong ko sa iyo sabay tingin sa loob na bahay upang tiyaking walang ibang taong nakakita ng ginawa mo.
“Bakit? Bakkkittt? Hindi mo alam kung bakit? Kulang pa iyan sa panggagagong ginawa mo sa akin.”
Ang sumunod mong sampal ay nasangga ko na.
“Tama na Camille… tama na. Patawarin mo sana ako.”
“Putang-ina mo Jeff. Bakit mo ako ginanito? Sa halip na iahon mo ako mula sa kumunoy na kinahulugan ko eh lalo mo lang pala kong ilulubog.
Nagsimula kang umiyak. Dahan-dahan kitang iniupo.
“Camille… magpapaliwanag ako.”
“Hindi ko kaylangan ang paliwanag mo. Ikaw ang kaylangan ko. Puwede pa tayong umalis. Mamaya… o kahit bukas… kung kaylan mo gusto.”
“Sorry Camille… hindi natin puwedeng gawin iyan.”
Bakit hindi? Bakit?”
Umiling-iling na ako habang ako’y nakatingin sa iyo.
Tinadyakan mo ako sa paa.
“Umalis ka sa harapan ko.”
Lumakad ako papunta sa kabilang dulo ng terrace. Patuloy ka sa paghikbi mo. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit galit na galit ka sa akin. Gusto ko sanang magpaliwanag pero tingin ko hindi ka na makikinig sa akin.
Ilang saglit lang eh lumabas na rin ng kuwarto si Elena. Nakita niya tayong nasa terrace.
“Good morning ate Camille”
Nginitian mo lamang siya bilang tugon.
“Bakit mukhang umiiyak ka ate?”
“Wala, naalaala ko lang ang mga nangyari kahapon.”
“Ah, akala ko kasi inaapi ka ni Jeff kaya ka umiiyak.”
Tumawa si Elena pagkasabi niyon. Alam kong nagbibiro lang ang kasintahan ko. Tumingin ka sa akin bago mo nginitian si Elena bilang tugon sa kanyang sinabi.
Pagkatapos niyon ay tumabi sa akin Elena at hinalikan ako sa pisngi. Yumuko ka rin, katulad ko nang hinalikan mo si Daniel. Parang ayaw mong makita na hinahalikan ako ni Elena. Selos din siguro iyon.
“Parang namumula ang pisngi mo dad. Ano ba nangyari diyan.”
“Wala… nakamot ko lang kanina kaya namula.” Wika ko at para mawala doon ang atensyon mo ay nagtanong ako – “Ang inay, tulog pa ba?”
“Oo, hayaan lang natin siya, kaylangan niyang magpahinga para gumaling agad.”
Nakihigop si Elena sa kape ko.
“Ay… siyanga pala ate Camille… may good news ako sa iyo.”
“Ha!? Ano naman iyon?
“Dad ikaw na kaya ang magsabi kay ate Camille.”
“Oh. Bakit ako?
“Sige na dad… pleeeassseee!”
Atubili ma’y pinagbigyan ko ang kahilingan ni Elena.
“Camille… bu… buntis si Elena. 6 weeks na”
“Oww… talaga?”
“Yes ate Camille.”
“Wow… aba eh congratulations sa inyong dalawa. Magiging nanay at tatay na pala kayo niyan.”
Pinilit mong ngumiti habang sinasabi mo iyon pero kita ko sa mata mo na parang nanlumo ka nang marinig mo iyon. Hindi mo siguro napansin na ang isang braso mong nakapuwesto sa patungan ng kamay sa inuupuan mo’y biglang nalaglag. Hindi ko alam kung ang bagay na iyon ay napansin ni Elena.
“Thank you ate. Siyempre kukunin ka naming ninang… ‘di ba dad.?”
Tumango ako.
“Ah… sure… sure. Bakit naman hindi.”
Pagkasabi mo niyon ay parang gusto mong humagulgol lalo na nang parang batang itinaas ni Elena ang tshirt at inilagay ang kamay ko sa ibabaw ng kanyang tiyan.
“Sandali lang ha, papasok muna ako at hihiga ako ulit. Masakit ang ulo ko.”
“Ow… hangover iyan ate. Sige ate pahinga ka. Ako naman eh magluluto na ng agahan natin.”
Sabay kayo ni Elena na pumasok ng bahay. Siya’y nagputna ng kusina at ikaw naman ay sumalampak sa sofa sa salas. Nakatagilid ka patalikod sa kinalalagyan ko sa terrace kay hindi ko malaman kung natutulog ka ba talaga o umiiyak.
**********
Mula noon eh minsan isang linggo kayo pumuntan ni Daniel sa bahay. Kadalasang araw ng Linggo. Halatang umiiwas ka sa akin tuwing nandoon kayo sa bahay. Ni minsan hindi tayo nag-usap na tayong dalawa lang. Mabuti na rin iyon dahil ayaw kong madagdagan pa ang pagdududa ni Elena tungkol sa atin, kung nagdududa man siya.
Nasasaktan ako sa nangyayari. Hindi mo lang alam kung ano ang tunay kong nararamdaman sa iyo, damdaming pilit kong iwinawaksi alang-alang sa magiging anak namin ni Elena. Sa tingin ko ay naunawaan mo na kung ano ang dahilan kung bakit hindi kita pinuntahan sa kubo noon.
Ang magandang bagay na naging resulta ng hindi ko pagsipot sa usapan natin noon, bukod na sa walang pamilyang nasira, ay ang mga pagbabagong nakita ko sa asawa mo. Ang biyenan mo na magiging biyenan ko na rin mismo ang nagsasabi na ibang-iba na si Daniel. Kung totoo ang sinasabi niya eh hindi na siya tumikim ng alak mula noong araw na sana’y iiwan natin sila ni Elena. At siguro kung drugs iyong nakita ko noon sa clutch bag niya, marahil ay tinigilan na rin niya iyon.
Maganda ang naging panahon ng sumunod pang isang buwan at ilang araw. Hindi bumuhos ang malakas na ulan, manaka-nakang ambon lang at hindi pa nagtatagal. Kaya napasyalan namin ni Elena ang mga lugar na gusto kong puntahan para sa mga kaylangan kong pictures at videos. Pag-aalaga kay Elena at ang aking travel vlog ang pinagkaabalahan ko ng mga araw na iyon.
Iyong linggong susunod ang pinili naming schedule para sa pagpapakasal sa huwes dahil ang susunod na linggo doon ay uuwi na kami pabalik sa Pasig. Three months na noong buntis si Elena. Ang tatay at nanay ko at isang kapatid na lang ang dadalo dahil simpleng kasalan lang naman ang gagawin. Pagkapanganak na lang ang engrandeng kasal na ipinangako ko kay Elena.
**********
Araw ulit ng Linggo noon, dumalaw kayong muli ni Daniel sa bahay. Noon lamang muling kumilimlim ang kalangitan at umiihip ang malamig na hangin. Ayon sa balita, ay mayroong malakas na bagyong paparating.
Habang abala sa paghahanda sina Elena at ang kanyang nanay sa pag-aayos ng tanghalian at si Daniel naman sa nagpa-practice shooting sa likod bahay, ay nilapitan mo ako sa terrace. Hindi ko inaasahan iyon. Bago ka nagsalita eh luminga-linga ka pa upang tiyaking walang ibang nakikinig.
“Jeff… two weeks na akong delayed. Napakadalas kong mahilo at magsuka nitong mga nakaraan araw.”
Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa narinig ko.
“Bakit mo sinsabi sa akin iyan Camille?”
“Tarantado ka. Ikaw lang ang nakagalaw sa akin bukod kay Daniel at siguro naman eh nasabi na sa iyo ni Elena kung bakit kahit matagal na kaming nagsasama ng kuya niya eh hindi kami magkaroon ng anak.”
Alam ko namang baog ang asawa mo. Ayaw ko lang paniwalaan ang sinabi mo dahil kung totoo iyon eh napakalaking problema ang hinaharap natin. Mas gugustuhin ko pang nagiimbento ka lang ng kuwento para kuhanin ang atensiyon ko.
“Bakit hindi ka magtest para sigurado.”
“Mamaya, may dala nga akong pregnancy kit. Huwag kang magalala Jeff. Alam kong wala kang gulugod. Isa kang duwag. Kung buntis man ako’y hindi ako maghahabol sa iyo. Kaya kong harapin itong mag-isa.”
“Camille…”
“Huwag mo akong maCamille-Camille. Ang saya kung buntis nga ako di ba. Dalawa agad ang magiging anak mo next year. Parehong panganay. Ang galing mo.”
Iniwan mo ako sa terrace pagkasabi mo niyon.
Ang lahat ng sayang naramdaman ko ng ilang linggo, ang katahimikan ng kalooban at pagiisip, ay naglahong parang bula. Mula sa terrace ay nakita kong nagsimula ng umambon, maya-maya lang ay bubuhos na ang malakas na ulan at iihip na ang malakas na hangin.
“Dad… tawagin mo na si kuya Daniel sa likod. Sabihin mong nakahanda na ang tanghalian.”
Parang akong nakalutang habang ako’y naglalakad papunta sa likod ng bahay upang tawagin si Daniel.
“Kuya, kain na daw tayo.”
“Okay bayaw. Ikaw ba, gusto mo bang matutong humawak ng baril? Tuturuan kitang pumutok.”
Tumango na lamang ako dahil wala na ako sa wisyo. Lutang na lutang na ako. Ano ang mangyayari kung buntis nga si Camille. Ano ang mangyayari kung malaman ni Elena, ni Daniel, at ng nanay nila na ako ang nakabuntis kay Camille?
Nang makapasok kami sa bahay ay inilapag ni Daniel sa lamesita sa salas ang kanyang mga bala at baril.
Nagsimula nang umulan. Dumating na siguro ang bagyo.
“Naku Daniel… anak… Ingat lang kapag gumagamit ka ng baril mo ha.”
“Opo naman inay. Kaya ko lang naman inilabas ulit yan eh balak kong sumali sa isang shooting competition sa Baguio sa November.
“O puwede nang magsimula, kain na kayo mga anak.” Wika ng nanay nila.
“Teka, nasaan si Camille.”
“Nasa CR, parang masama ang pakiramdam. Mauna na daw tayong kumain.” Ang sabi ni Elena.
Tumayo si Daniel at nagpunta sa CR. Nakita ko nang itulak niya ang pinto. Bumukas, nakalimutan mo sigurong i-lock.
Hindi nga lang malinaw pero nauulinigan naming nag-uusap kayo ni Daniel sa loob. Matagal-tagal din bago lumabas si Daniel ng CR. Hindi ka kasama.
Lumapit si Daniel kay Elena.
“Sa iyo ba ito Elena.” Padabog na inilapag ni Daniel ang pregnancy test sa lamesa. Positive ang resulta.”
Napapikit na lamang ako dahil nangyari na ang isang malaking problemang hindi ako nakakatiyak kung malulusutan ko ba o hindi.
Ang kapalaran ay walang gulong… ang karma meron at pakiramdam ko ay malapit na akong magulungan. Ang inihagis kong boomerang ay pabalik na sa akin at mukhang hindi ko yata ito kayang saluhin nang hindi ako nasasaktan.
Sa bubong na yari sa yero ay parang mga batong tumama ang buhos ng malakas na ulan.
“Ha… hindi kuya… hindi ito sa akin. Matagal ko nang alam na buntis ako kaya hindi ko na kaylangang gumamit nito.”
Nakita ko kung papaano napapikit ang nanay nila Elena. Yumuko ito at umiling-iling.
Bago pa man makakilos ang sinoman sa amin ay nakuha na ni Daniel ang baril sa lamesita. Bumalik siya sa CR. Paglabas niya’y hila-hila ka sa buhok. Pilit kang kumakawala. Ano ang ginawa ko? Wala. Dapat eh ipinagtanggol kita. Tama ka, wala nga akong gulugod. Duwag nga ako.
“Anak, maghunos-dili ka.”
“Kuya… kuya.”
Ako’y parang tuod. Wala akong ginawa. Naghihintay na lamang ako kung ano uri ng kabayaran ang nakatakdang singilin sa akin sa lahat ng ginawa kong kabalbalan.
Dinala ka ni Daniel sa kuwarto namin. Kasunod kami pero ibinalibag niya pasara ang pinto. Hindi ito nagsara ng maayos. Papasok sana si Elena sa kuwarto.
“Walang makikialam!”
Naudlot ang pagpasok ni Elena. Siguro tinutukan siya ng baril ng kuya niya kaya umurong siya.
“Sino ang lalaki mo? SINO?
Pumutok ang baril.
“Diyos kong mahabagin.” Wika ng nanay nila na akma sanang papasok sa kuwarto subalit pinigilan ni Elena.
“Sino kako ang lalaki mo? Puta ka, kanino ka nagpabuntis.”
Wala kaming magawa sa labas ng kuwarto. Nakinig na lang kami at naghintay. Hinintay ko na lang na sabihin mo ang pangalan ko.
“Ano Daniel. Masakit di ba? Ganiyan kasakit ang naramdaman ko ng minsang sa mismong kuwarto natin mo dinala ang babae mo. Akala mo wala ako noon sa bahay. Sa palagay mo ilang beses ko ring nakita na pumasok ka sa bahay niya. Ang daming beses kitang sinundan dahil gusto kong mapatunayan ang tsismis tungkol sa inyong dalawa.”
“Hiniwalayan ko na siya ‘di ba? Nagbago na ako ‘di ba? Nangako akong aayusin ko ang sarili ko … ang buhay natin ‘di ba?”
“Huli na Daniel nang magbago ka. Nadumihan ko na ang sarili ko bago mo naisipang magbago. Nagmahal na ako ng iba bago mo naisipang magbago. Naiputan na kita sa ulo bago mo naisipang magbago.”
At muling pumutok ang baril… isa …dalawa… tatlo.
Tumahimik sa kuwarto. Tumahimik sa bahay. Ang ingay lang ng ulan na tumatama sa bubong ang nadidinig.
**********
“Tao po… tao po… ano pong nangyayari diyan.”
May mga taong dumating. Kinakalampag nila ang gate.
Nanginginig sa takot sina Elena at ang nanay niya. Magkayakap sila.
Binuksan ko ang gate.
Pumasok ang ilang kalalakihan.
“Aling Upeng… Elena… may mga putok kaming narinig kaya kami’y nagpunta dito.”
“Kapitan…” sagot ni Elena, “pumasok po kayo sa kuwarto.”
Itinulak ng isa sa sa mga lalaki ang pinto.
Tumambad sa amin paningin ang duguan mong katawan. Si Daniel nama’y nakasalampak sa isang sulok ng kuwarto. Iyak ng iyak. Nilapitan siya ni Elena at ng kanilang nanay.
“Anak, bakit mo nagawa ito.” Niyakap ng kanyang nanay si Daniel.
“Kuya, bakit?”
“Patawarin po ninyo ako inay… Elena… Ang hirap tanggapin. Ang sakit.”
“Kapitan,” wika ng isang lalaki, “patay na po si Camille.”
Pagkarinig ko niyon ay nagpunta ako ng CR. Doon ako’y nagkulong. Habang bumubuhos ang ulan sa labas ay bumuhos ang mga luha ko. Binalot ang buong pagkatao ng lungkot at pagsisisi.
Ano sa palagay mo ang naramdaman ko matapos mangyari ang lahat-lahat? Sino sa palagay mo ang sinisisi ko sa lahat ng nangyari. Kung alam ko lang na sa ganoon hahantong ang lahat eh sana pumayag na akong umalis tayo ng Sagada. Sana buhay ka pa. Para sa magiging anak namin ni Elena ay pinili kong huwag kang puntahan sa kubo. Pero hindi ko alam na sa pagpili ko kay Elena at sa magiging anak namin ay ganoon ang magiging resulta. Mamamatay ka at ang sana’y magiging anak din natin. Kung ikaw at ang anak natin ang pinili ko eh masasaktan lamang si Elena pero walang trahedyang mangyayari.
Sisihin ko ba ang Panginoon dahil sa sinapit mo at ng anak natin? Tatanungin ko ba Siya na kung halimbawa mang nagpasiya Siyang pakialaman ang kahihinatnan ng mga nangyari ay bakit puro pabor para kay Elena? HINDI. Dahil alam kong ang lahat ng nangyari ay bunga ng maling desisyon natin na huwag magdala ng payong sa araw na iyon nang pareho tayong sumilong sa kubo dahil bumuhos ang malakas na ulan. Ang lahat ay nangyari dahil sa maling desisyon natin na magtampisaw sa tubigan ng kataksilang binuo ng bumuhos na ulan.
**********
Kusang sumama sa mga dumating na pulis si Daniel. Ang bangkay mo naman ay sinabi nina kapitan na dadalhin na sa isang punenarya. Nilinis na rin nila ang mga dugo mong kumalat sa kuwarto namin ni Elena.
Bumumuhos pa rin ang malakas na ulan. Malakas pa rin ang hihip ng hangin. Hindi pa lumilipas ang bagyo.
Gabi na ng makaalis ang mga tao sa bahay. Ako, si Elena, at ang nanay nila ang natira.
Sina Elena at ang kanyang nanay ay nakaupo lamang sa salas. Wala silang imik, wala silang kibuan. Si Elena’y hindi ko malapitan. Parang may pader na nakapagitan sa amin, pader na nilikha ng nababagabag kong konsensiya.
Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang ipagtapat kay Elena at sa kanilang nanay ang mga namagitan sa atin. Dapat ko bang sabihin pa sa kanila na ako ang nakabuntis sa iyo? Ano ang mangyayari kapag nalaman nila iyon? Iniisip kong manahimik na lang. Iniisip ko ba kung hahayaan ko na lang na isama mo sa libingan ang sikreto natin.
“Inay, dapat na po nating ipaalam sa mga magulang at kapatid ni ate Camille sa Pangasinan kung ano ang nangyari.”
“Oo nga Elena. Mahirap kung sa iba pa nila malalaman ito.”
“Malamang na iuuwi nila sa Pangasinan ang bangkay ni Camille kapag nalaman nila kung ano talaga ang nangyari.”
“Oo nga po inay. Hindi ko inaasahang hahayaan nilang dito sa Sagada ibuburol at ililibing si ate Camille.”
“Sige kontakin mo na sila. Ako ang kakausap sa mga magulang ni Camille.”
“May number po ba kayo ng sinoman sa mga partido ni ate?”
“Naku anak wala ah.”
“Teka, friend ko po pala sa Facebook ang isang pinsan ni ate Camille. Kokontakin ko po’t hihingin ko ang number ng kung sino mang puwede nating tawagan sa kanila.”
Kinuha ni Elena ang cell phone niyang nasa ibabaw ng ref.
“Naku, lowbat pala ako. Dad, pahiram ako ng laptop mo. Doon na lang ako magfefacebook.”
Kinuha ko mula sa kuwarto ang aking laptop at iniabot ko kay Elena. Pagkatapos niyon ay nagpunta muna ako ng terrace upang mapagisipan kung ano ang dapat kong gawin, kung dapat ko bang sabihin sa kanila ang lahat ng nangyari sa atin.
Muli nanaman akong nagbalik-tanaw sa unang araw ng pagdating namin ni Elena sa Sagada. Bakit kasi ako naging atat na kumuha ng mga pictures at videos noon.
Pictures?!
Sa pagkakataong iyon ay aking napagtanto na hindi ko pala nadelete ang picture mo sa kubo na nasave ko sa desktop ng aking laptop. Halos lumipad ako pabalik sa salas.
Wala doon si Elena at ang laptop ko.
“Inay, nasaan po si Elena?”
“Pumasok siya sa kuwarto ko.”
Nang pumasok ako sa kuwarto ay nakaupo sa sahig si Elena. Patulalang nakatingin sa picture mo na nasa desktop ng laptop ko.
Sukol na sukol ako. Walang akong mapagtataguan.
“Mommy, hayaan mo akong makapagpaliwanag.”
Hindi sumagot si Elena. Gulat siya’t lumuluhang nakatingin lang sa larawan mong iyon na suot mo ang t-shirt. Si Elena ang bumili ng t-shirt na iyon. Regalo niya sa akin.
Sinimulan kong magpaliwanag. Mula sa simula, mula ng bumuhos ang ulan at sumilong ako sa kubong iyon at ang bigla mong pagdating. Sinabi ko lahat. Walang labis, walang kulang. Pati ang binalak mong pagalis nating ng Sagada na hindi natuloy dahil hindi kita pinuntahan nang malaman kong buntis siya. Wala na akong dapat itago pa.
Habang nagpapaliwanag ako eh napansin kong unti-unti nawawala ang pagkagulat sa mukha niya at huminto na siya sa pag-iyak. Dahan-dahang nagsasalubong ang kanyang mga kilay at naririnig kong nagngangalit ang kanyang mga ngipin.
At narating ng paliwanag ko ang dulo. Wala na akong maidudugtong pa bukod sa pakiusap na ako’y patawarin niya.
“Tapos na ba ang paliwanag mo?”
Tumango lamang ako.
“Tumahimik na lang tayo Jeff. Tayong dalawa na lang ang makakaalam ng tungkol sa inyo ni Camille.”
Gusto kong magbunyi sa mga narinig kong iyon. Inakala kong patatawarin na niya ako.
“Ayaw ko nang dagdagan pa ang sama ng loob ng nanay ko. Baka hindi na niya kayanin.”
“Salamat mommy.”
Umakma akong yayakapin si Elena. Pero itinulak niya ako palayo.
“Huwag kang magpasalamat. Hindi pa ako tapos. Gusto ko pag-gising namin ng inay bukas ay wala ka na dito. Ako na ang bahalang gumawa ng kuwento tungkol sa pagkawala mo. Dalhin mo ang lahat ng gamit mo, pati ang t-shirt na pinasuot mo sa babaeng iyon. Masarap dyumugdyug ang mga diwata ‘di ba?”
“Elena… please…”
Sinubukan ko ulit na yakapin siya. Sinampal niya ako.
Iyon siguro ang pinakamalakas na sampal na natikman ko. Mas masakit kung ikukumpara doon sa mag-asawang sampal na pinadapo mo noon sa pisngi ko.
Tagos hanggang kaluluwa ko ang sakit ng sampal niyang iyon.
“Mula ngayon ay tapos na sa atin ang lahat. Kahit kaylan ay hindi mo makikita ang anak ko at hindi kita ipapakilala bilang kanyang ama.”
“Mommy… sor…”
“Kung mababago ng pagso-sorry mo ang lahat ng nangyari, eh patatawarin kita. Pero hindi di ba. Makakatulog ka kaya tuwing gabi niyan? Alam mo ba kung gaano katindi ang ginawa mo? Masahol ka pa sa hayop. Sana lang eh kasama ka ng namatay ng punyetang babaeng iyon.”
Lumuhod ako sa harapan ni Elena at handa na akong magmakaawa. Tinalikuran lang niya ako at iniwan ako sa kuwarto.
“Lumabas ka na diyan at nang makapangpahinga ang nanay ko.”
**********
Madaling araw pa lang ay nilisan ko na ang bahay nina Elena. Tahimik ang ginawa kong paglabas. Nang nasa gate na ako ay lumingon ako. Nagbabakasakaling gising si Elena at tawagin ako niya at pabalikin sa bahay. Pero wala.
Hindi na umuulan nang lumabas ako, pero mahangin pa rin. Walang tao sa paligid. Tulog pa siguro silang lahat. Ang mga ilaw sa ilang poste ng kuryente ang nagsisilbing liwanag ko sa paglalakad.
Bitbit ko ang lahat ng gamit ko. Nang madaan ako sa isang basurahan ay itinapon ko na lang ang isang bag na naglalaman ng ilan sa mga lumang damit ko upang maginhawa akong makapaglakad.
Wala pa akong masasakyan paalis sa lugar na iyon kaya minabuti kong maglakad-lakad muna hanggang nakarating sa kalye na pasukan papunta sa mini rice terraces. May kaunti ng liwanag kaya nagpasiya akong tignan siguro sa huling pagkakataon ang palayang iyong.
Ako’y naglakad hanggang natanaw ko ang kubong pinagsimulan ng lahat. Nilapitan ko iyon. Pumasok ako. Pagod ang katawa’t isipan ko kaya minabuti kong magpahinga sandali.
Nang hihiga na ako’y nadinig kong pumapatak ang ulan. Isinarado ko ang bintana. Nang isasara ko na rin ang pinto ay naalaala kita.
Dahan-dahan kong isinara ang pinto ng kubo.
Hinihintay kong itulak mo iyon pabukas upang makapasok ka’t muli’y samahan ako sa loob.
At tuluyan nang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan.
– W A K A S –
M.A.D. LIGAYA
M.A.D. L I G A Y A 