On Fate and Destiny
“Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once
they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how
to play the cards in order to win the game.”
– Voltaire
Much has been written about fate and destiny. Those that I read presented varied opinions on whether or not those two concepts are one and the same with some claiming they can be interchangeably used and some arguing that one should not be mistaken for the other. There are assertions that fate and destiny both refer to what the future holds for you and me. However, that future, when viewed using the lens of fate, is negative and is neutral – not really positive as you might have expected I would say – when seen from the vantage point of destiny.
The common thing that the literature I explored on the said constructs clearly articulated is that both fate and destiny are manifestations of the future of a person but the former has negative connotations while the latter is neither positive nor negative… and I will explain why I view it that way.
Fate is negative because it is a belief that everything that happens to us in the future have been set in stone. We cannot change our fate no matter how hard we try. That is a scary proposition because it implies that we are not in control of our life and what will happen to us in the future. There is nothing we could do but go with the flow, dance to the tune of whoever we believe designed our fate. That is we choose to believe it.
Conversely, destiny, as I said previously, is neutral because it presents a future that is yet to happen, a story not written yet. The reason I consider it neither positive nor negative is that things will go either way for you – good or bad – depending on the quality of the decisions you make in the different areas of your life.
I believe that I create my own destiny. I am writing my own story. You should do the same. You hold the pen, you have control over how your story will turn out to be. You should not surrender that pen to other people and make them write that story for you because it may be written not the way you want. You should take control and try very hard to make the right decisions in order to ensure that the destiny you create for yourself is a great one.
Fate and destiny are both considered a predetermined course of events. However, fate is viewed as inevitable which is controlled by an unseen force while destiny is likened to clay in the hands of a potter – it can be shaped as desired. Would you let others hold the mold and put the clay and let them be the ones to shape your future?
You ought to decide whether to accept that the life you live is tied to threads controlled by the puppeteer called fate or is it a book filled with empty pages and you’re holding the pen and have that opportunity to fill those pages with stories of triumphs and happiness. You may decide whether you will be living a fate assigned to you or you will be controlling your own destiny.
Fatalism, the doctrine that events are fixed in advance so that human beings are powerless to change them (Merriam-Webster, n.d.), has influenced the way people live life since time immemorial. The danger with subscribing to the idea that events in our lives are determined by the hand that fate dealt with us is it leads to a passive life. Fatalism reduces a person to merely a driftwood on the waves being tossed to and fro.
Believing that success and failure are preordained, people may not be motivated to give their best shot in any endeavor or be afraid to take risks in any way. They would simply wait for their future to unfold for they are sold to the idea that they are not in control. They believe that fate would bring them to where they should be anyway and would make them what they are meant to be. For them, there is not much (or nothing) that they could do but wait until their wheel of fortune grinds to a halt and hope that they hit the “jackpot” (and not the “bankrupt”) when it does stop.
Fatalistic people also believe that nobody knows what the future holds. But those who use the lens of destiny when viewing the future, while they accept that they don’t have the ability to predict the future and determine what will happen eventually, there’s nothing that can prevent them from preparing for it. They know that there are variables they can control to make sure that the future will unfold the way they want it to happen. This is what extremely successful people do. They plan. They execute that plan. They take control of their future. Some of them would even say that they create their own future.
Innate in us is the capability to chart our own destiny. Living our fate or shaping our own future is a matter of choice. Instead of waiting passively for the future, we should take control by laying out a plan to ensure that it unfolds the way we want it to happen.
Remember what Albert Camus said – “Life is the sum of all our choices.” “Our life,” as Myles Munroe puts it, “is the sum total of all the decisions we make every day.” It is then incumbent upon you to make the right choices all the time. And the first decision you need to make is whether you view yourself as the master of your fate or its slave. Are you in control of your future or the puppeteer called fate is?
The fatalistic attitude of people stems from the doctrine of predestination upheld by most of the world’s monotheistic religions (Christianity, Islam, and Judaism). The said doctrine maintains that whatever happens has already been determined by God. What if this means that God, omniscient and omnipresent that He is, only knows, and not controls, how our future unfolds based on the decisions we make as individuals? It doesn’t require a scientific mind to figure out that it doesn’t make sense that God gifted mankind with free will if after all He already preordained everything.
Buddhists and Hindus believe that our destiny as humans is determined by our actions, thoughts, and words. If it is so, it is important to be careful with what we do, think, and say. We take control of our future by making sure that our actions, thoughts, and words will bring us to the pinnacle of success and not perdition.
Creating our own destiny does not mean denying that certain aspects and events in life are inevitable and unavoidable. For instance, we could not choose the body we want and the physical attributes we desire. We also could not choose the parents we were born to. When finally we face the mirror and contend with our personal realities, we could only wish that we were born to parents who would endow us not only with wealth but with good genes.
Yes, we could not control the circumstances of our birth. There’s no way we could also prevent people around us from making bad decisions that might adversely affect us. However, we can choose how we shall respond to all the limitations and unfavorable conditions that we encounter. We could not afford to be held hostage by them. We should never play the role of a helpless victim. Voltaire puts it this way – “Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.”
As Sartre (1956) argued, “Predetermined nature, facticity or essence do not control who or what we are; moreover, one is radically free to choose one’s destiny and it is one’s moral responsibility to do so.”
The moment we become capable of deciding for ourselves and aware of our capabilities was the moment we start charting our own destiny – that’s when we begin to be in control. We should begin by embracing our limitations and recognizing which aspects of our life were not properly put in place by the people who were in charge of us when we were young and incapable of making decisions for ourselves. Limitations and unfavorable conditions can be overcome if one so desires. This May (1981) articulated by saying, “Fate is that which cannot be changed about a person, such as gender and race. Destiny is that which can be created from what was given.”
Aside from the circumstances of our birth, the only other thing we have no way of avoiding is death. We don’t know when it would come, except to those who are terminally ill and predicted by doctors to have only a certain time left to live. We’ll never know how long we live and how soon we breathe our last. This presents us with a choice – live our life to the fullest and make every moment count or live in fear trembling at the thought of the Moirae named Atropos coming any moment to cut our life thread.
References:
Fatalism. (n.d.). In merriam-webster.com. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fatalism.
Sartre, J. P. (1956). Being and nothingness. (H. Barnes, Trans.). New York: Washington Square Press.
May, R. (1981). Freedom and destiny. New York: W.W. Norton.
Kapag Umibig
Winika ni Balagtas ating balikan
Pag-ibig daw… “labis makapangyarihan.”
Kapag pinana’t sa puso’y tinamaan
Utak ay lumilipat sa talampakan
Wika nila’y kapag tumibok ang puso
Pupungay ang mata tutulis ang nguso
Lutang at tulala parang tinotoyo
Nagiging pasaway tumitigas ang bungo.
Kapag umibig lahat ay sasawayin
Mga bilin ni nanay ‘di papansinin
Upang ang kasintahan ay makapiling
Mataas man ang bakod ay aakyatin.
Basta’t ang pag-ibig ay masunod lamang
Basta’t kasama mahal na kasintahan
Tatakas at lahat ay tatalikuran
Magiging bingi’t magbubulag-bulagan.
Animo kasi na shabu ang pag-ibig
Kapag tinamaan ka’y t’yak na maaadik
Harangan ka man ng sibat o ng kampit
Bisig ng sinta mo’y yayakaping pilit.
Kung bakit ganoon mahirap sagutin
Hiwaga ng pag-ibig mahirap arukin
“Gamitin ang isip…” kay daling sabihin
Ngunit tibok ng puso’y mahirap pigilin.
Pag-ibig ay kantang puso ang aawit
Isip ma’y matalas ‘di ito malilirip
Pag-ibig… wikang puso lang ang gagamit
‘di mabibigkas ng pipi’t binging isip.
Wishing Classes Would Still Be Online
For the next semester, I would still prefer that classes are held online instead of face-to-face. Why?
Not because online classes result in better learning. There is no conclusive evidence as to which of the two is more efficient when it comes to delivering education. Research findings of comparative studies made between online and face-to-face classes are inconclusive with some saying one benefits students better than the other while others claim that there’s no significant difference at all on their effects on learning.
Not also because online classes are more convenient for teachers. On the contrary, I consider teaching online more challenging than the traditional method. I am a teacher and whether online or otherwise it is my obligation to perform the following: set objectives and ensure that they are achieved; cover each topic enumerated in the syllabus; motivate students and elicit their participation; give assignments, check them, and show the students the results; and assess and measure learning.
Doing anything less than the foregoing, either in the traditional classroom or in the virtual set-up, is short-changing the students. It’s a disservice to the teaching profession. But doing them all online is easier said than done. Performing those pedagogical functions online tested to the hilt my creativity and resourcefulness. I had to dig deeper into my bag of tricks. My patience was truly tested.
The truth is I really want to go back to the classroom to teach. But why do I wish we could have our classes still online next semester?
Simple – the coronavirus is still like Damocles sword hanging over our heads. You’ll never know when it would drop and deliver a deadly infection. In short, it’s still risky to hold face-to-face classes especially with the current Covid-19 variants proving to be more transmissible and with full vaccination still yet to be achieved.
So, should classes be held online again next semester, I don’t mind having my creativity and resourcefulness getting tested further if that would mean ensuring that all stakeholders in the academe, especially the students, are safe and sound.
In preparation for the possibility of virtual learning again for the autumn semester, I have replenished my bag with new tricks over the summer and I think my patience would no longer be tested. In the past three semesters, I have gained the needed experience and insights about online teaching and learning that I think there’s nothing more that would surprise me.
By now, I am aware of the behavior of students when attending classes virtually. I know how to deal with them. I know what to expect from the students and what not to.
Additionally, through self-study and the generosity of a techie friend, I came to learn what I needed to learn, technology-wise, to make my first venture into online teaching easier. I don’t mean that I embraced the use of technology for teaching for the first time during the pandemic. Ever since I have been trying to learn as best as I could how to apply information and communication technologies in my classes. But when the university (where I am currently teaching now) switched to virtual learning, they provided platforms (Cisco Webex and the university’s E-class) for online teaching which I was unfamiliar with then. That I had to learn. And I did.
During the spring semester last year (2020), the time online classes in our university started, the biggest challenge I faced was the marking/grading of assignments, projects, quizzes, and tests and ensure the reliability and validity of the results. I overcame that dilemma by learning to use the Google form together with an app that allows the setting of time limits. The setting of time limits is necessary in order to avoid cheating in any form. And to avoid the possibility of cheating, I targeted higher-order thinking skills (evaluating, analyzing, and creating) in my tests and other graded activities. It may not be 100% foolproof, thus, at the beginning of the semester, I always explain to my students the importance of intellectual honesty.
I also used the Google drive folder to create an electronic portfolio for each of my students. In their individual Google drive folders is where they upload their assignments and course requirements. That is also where I give them feedback and show them the results of tests and other graded activities.
I think I am now more equipped to do online teaching. So, if ever our university decides to not conduct face-to-face classes yet, I am ready.
On Education and What People Achieve and Become
For education to be meaningful, it should be holistic having as its ultimate goal the development of the whole person. Holistic education helps an individual to grow and develop in all dimensions: emotional, psychological, creative, social, imaginative, physical, intuitive, and spiritual as well as intellectual.1 The focus is on the acquisition of knowledge, skills, and values not for the sake of getting the best scores in standardized tests but to prepare them to engage in the real world. Holistic educators seek to engage students in their real-life worlds to the greatest extent possible.2
Have the schools of the 21st century been approaching education holistically? Do they deliver the kind of education that enables their students to achieve their full potential? Are children in schools trained merely to be a worker in their chosen fields or prepared to take on the multi-layered challenges they have to contend with in real life?
Answering the foregoing questions definitively is difficult. The ones in the best position to answer them are the graduates themselves. It is only after a few years after completing schooling that people can really evaluate whether the education they receive is meaningful or otherwise.
In the process of evaluating the value of the education people received, the question they need to answer is – “What have they achieved and become through it?”
What education allows people to achieve determines only half the value (or even less) of that education. The other half (or even more) lies in what people become through it. It is not enough that people succeed in their chosen careers – either by being gainfully employed or by having a business of their own – to say that their education is meaningful. What have they become as persons needs to be examined as well.
Psychologists have identified the different aspects of the personality as physical, emotional, social, moral/spiritual, and intellectual. It is all in these areas that the evaluation of the process of becoming should be anchored upon.
Tests such as Big Five Personality, HEXACO, Myers-Brigs Type Indicator, and Core Self-evaluation can be used to determine the dominant personality traits a person has. In China, they have their CPAI (Chinese Personality Assessment Inventory). These tests can somehow help people analyze what have they become (or what are they becoming).
There are only two ways to classify personality traits or characteristics – they are either positive or negative. The HEXACO model of personality structure, for instance, is very specific in describing people in the honesty-humility (H) dimension – sincere, honest, faithful, loyal, and modest/unassuming versus sly, deceitful, greedy, pretentious, hypocritical, boastful, and pompous.
What people become can only be labeled in two ways as well – good or bad. There are no gray areas. Ethics (as a branch of Philosophy) established clear guidelines in determining what is good and bad, right and wrong.
It is of paramount importance that education should not only help people prepare for a career but guide them into developing positive traits and the right attitudes. A child is not only a future employee or businessman. When eventually a child becomes an adult, there are other roles he/she has to play in society – as a citizen, as a community member, as a fellowman, as a neighbor, as a friend, as a family member. Life is not all about work. The workplace is only a small part of the world where the child lives.
Achieving is the process of succeeding in one’s chosen career or business – of enjoying the fruits of one’s labor. Becoming is the process of developing into the best person one is capable of turning into – physically, emotionally, socially, morally/spiritually, and intellectually. The person a child becomes would directly impact the way he/she would perform in the workplace, community, and society.
The process of achieving enables a person to have the means to earn a living. But earning a living is different from living life. It is the process of becoming that empowers that person to live a life beyond work.
Education should be considered functional only if it succeeds in guiding the child in the processes of achieving and becoming.
_______________
* (1 & 2) Andrew P. Johnson, Ph.D. Minnesota State University, Mankato
andrew.johnson@mnsu.edu
Hindi Nga Ba Ukol? (7)
(Last of 7 parts)
“Okay… okay… I feel like… I feel like…”
“Feel what?” Ang tanong ni Kath.
“I feel like doing a selfie.”
Natahimik kami pareho ni Kath. Kung nasa tabi ko lang sana siya. Gusto ko siyang yakapin, halikan… angkinin.
Napansin kong hinawakan ni Kath ang kanyang dibdib. Dahan-dahan niya itong hinimas.
“Marco… Marco… what is this that I am feeling? Shit!”
“Kath… sando mo… please take it off.”
“Marco… please… don’t make me do this. Let’s stop.”
“Please Kath…”
“Shit… Marco… bakit ang hirap mong tanggihan.”
Mula sa study table ay binitbit ni Kath ang kanyang laptop at nagpunta sa kanyang kama. Sumandal siya sa headboard ng kama at sa harapan niya’y nakalapag ang laptop.
I did the same. Nagpunta rin ako sa aking kama’t sumandal sa headboard. Nasa harapan ko rin ang gamit kong laptop.
Halos sabay kaming naghubad ni Kath… pantaas… pambaba… panloob.
“Kath… baby…”
“Marcooo…”
**********
Maraming beses naming ginawa iyon. Mula noon ay sa ganoon namin tinatapos ang aming pag-uusap halos tuwing gabing may video calls kami. Parehong sa kama na kami nakapuwesto tuwing nag-uusap.
Dumating ang pagkakataon na hindi na sapat sa akin na ganoon lang kami ni Kath. Gusto kong umuwi muna sa Pilipinas upang makasama ko siya.
Isang gabi…
“Marco… ano ba talaga ang plano mo sa akin… sa atin…”
Matagal ko ring hinintay ang pagkakataong iyon… na magtanong si Kath tungkol sa kung ano ang mga gusto kong gawin para sa aming dalawa.
“Kath… may gusto lang akong itanong bago ko sabihin sa iyo ang mga plano ko.”
“Go ahead… What is it?”
“Who do you love more… me or Jay?”
“Ridiculous!!!”
“Ang alin?” Ang tanong ko kay Kath.
“That’s a ridiculous question Marco.”
“Why!?”
“Why!!??… Are you playing dumb or are you really dumb Marco.”
Nasorpresa ako sa mga sinabing iyon ni Kath.
“Do you recall Marco when we talked before you left for Korea?”
Tumango na lang ako bilang tugon.
“I and Jay had a fight… right?”
Tumango ulit ako.
“…a fight that almost led to our separation.”
“Kath… please cut the story short. Why are you telling me about that.”
“Ha… Because you were the reason we fought you stupid shit.”
I couldn’t believe what I heard. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang magsalita.
“Jay knows everything about us at that time. I told him. He was so jealous. He was mad. Iyan din ang tinanong niya sa akin. Sino ang mas mahal ko siya o ikaw. I had to be honest with my answer. I told him it’s you. Nagalit siya. Naghamon ng hiwalayan. That’s why I talked to you that day. I wanted to tell you about it.”
Natandaan ko lahat ng iyon.
“But what did you tell me ha… napakagago mo Marco… You we’re so indifferent that day. I was expecting that you would be warm and would give me a hint that your feelings were still there. Pero ano ginawa mo? You told me na pag-usapan namin ni Jay ng mabuti ang problema namin and it’s best for us to reconcile. Itinaboy mo ako papunta sa kanya.”
Nakakagulat. Hindi ko akalaing ganoon. Had I known ay maaaring hindi na ako tumuloy ng pagpunta ng Korea at dinala ko na lang sana si Kath kung saang lupalop ng mundo man kami mapadpad.
“So. What did I do? The moment na nag-sorry si Jay at nangakong buburahin ka niya sa isip ko eh I grabbed the opportunity. Pero ano? Nabura ka ba niya sa isip ko? Hindi… di ba? Hindi ka naman siguro tanga para ipaliwanag ko pa kung bakit ko sinabing hindi ka niya nabura sa isip ko.”
Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. Nakinig na lang ako kay Kath.
“Sa halip na siya ang kausap ko sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, iton disoras na ito ng gabi, eh pinili kong ikaw ang kausapin. I never miss him. Not a bit. Pero ikaw… hindi kasya ang halos magdamag na magka-chat tayo. Minsan kahit sa araw tinatawagan kita. I want to see you all the time. Tapos ngayon tatanungin mo ako kung sino ang mas mahal ko… ikaw o siya? Stupid!!! Ikaw kaya ang sumagot ng tanong mong iyan. Sige Marco. Answer your own question. Who do I love more… you or Jay?”
“So… sorry Kath…”
“Don’t ‘sorry’ me Marco! Answer your own question!!!”
“Okay… Okay Kath. It’s clear to me. Mas mahal mo ako.”
“Gago… Ikaw lang ang mahal ko… I can’t say if I really love Jay. I just needed him. I needed somebody because you were not there.”
Nagsimulang umiyak si Kath.
“Tahimik na ako Marco. Bakit ba kasi nagparamdam ka pa ulit. Tanggap ko na hindi tayo ukol. Tanggap ko na eh. Pinapagaralan ko nang mahalin si Jay. Pero pumasok ka nanaman sa eksena.”
Kath stopped talking. She just kept sobbing. Ako naman ang nagsalita.
“Sino nga ba ang nakakaalam talaga at makakapagsabi kung ukol ba tayo sa isa’t isa o hindi? Kath… tayo ang magdedesisyon if we’re meant for each other or not.”
Nakayuko si Kath. Patuloy lang sa pag-iyak.
“Iiwanan ko si Anna. Makikipaghiwalay na ako sa kanya. Gusto ko magsama na tayo.”
Muling humarap sa webcam si Kath. Pinunasan ang kanyang luha at suminga ng bahagya.
“Ikaw… kaya mo bang iwanan si Jay?” Tanong ko sa kanya.
“Seryoso ka Marco?”
“Bakit? Nagbibiruan lang ba tayo dito? Is everything between us just a joke?”
“Paano ang mga anak ko?”
“Tatanggapin ko sila. Aariing ko bilang mga tunay na anak.”
Maraming bagay kaming pinagusuapan ni Kath. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang mga bagay na dapat naming gawin bago kami tuluyang makipaghiwalay sa aming mga asawa. Sinabi ko sa kanya na handa na ako. Hinihintay ko na lang ang kanyang magiging desisyon.
“Give me time Marco… give me time to think. Nalilito ako, Naguguluhan. I really don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.”
“Kath… baby… I will give you all the time you need to think. I have made up my mind a long time ago. The ball is in your court. Ikaw ang magpapasiya kung ukol ”
“Okay… Marco… it’s goodnight for now. Masakit ang ulo ko. I want to rest.”
Pinagbigyan ko ang kahilingan ni Kath.
“By the way, tomorrow’s Saturday… wala muna tayong video call. I need to go to Church early on Sunday. We have a very important activity.”
“I’ll see you on Sunday night then.”
“I’m not sure Marco. Let’s see.”
Hindi ako sigurado kung iiwanan ni Kath si Jay. Alam kong mahal niya ako pero maraming bagay siyang dapat i-consider bago siya mag-decide na sumama sa akin.
Maraming haharaping complications si Kath. Isa na doon ay ang posibleng iskandalo na haharapin namin kapag nalaman ni Jay o ni Anna ang tungkol sa amin. Kaya sinabi ko sa kanya na we would be keeping our relationship secret for some time kahit humiwalay na kami sa aming mga asawa. Isyu rin ang tungkol sa kanilang mga anak. Kapag nalaman ni Jay later na dahil sa akin kaya nakipaghiwalay sa kanya si Kath ay siguradong kapag hindi babawiin ang mga anak nila ay pagbabawalan ang mga itong makita ang kanilang ina. Kung tutuusin ay mas maraming isasakripisyo si Kath kaysa akin kung magdesisyon siyang sumama sa akin.
Pero sa tingin ko, lahat ng mga isyung naturan ay kayang harapin ni Kath alang-alang sa akin. Gagawin niya ang mga sakripisyong iyon para sa akin. Ganoon ako ka-confident. Confident rin ako na kung mamimili lang siya between me ang Jay ay ako ang pipilian niya.
Kaya lang, may involved na third party. Alam kong hindi lang si Jay ang karibal ko kay Kath. May kaagaw ako.
**********
Dumating ang Linggo ng gabi…
Si Kath na mismo ang tumawag. Parang mugto ang mga mata niya.
Sa study table nakalagay ang laptop na gamit ni Kath… hindi na sa kama. Ako’y sa kama pa rin nakapuwesto.
“How are you?” Ang panimula ko.
Inilapit ni Kath ang kanyang mukha sa direksyong ng webcam na gamit niya.
“I’m not okay Marco… not okay.”
“May… may I know why.”
Umiling-iling si Kath bago nagsalita.
“Sapol na sapol nanaman ako sa preaching ni pastor kanina.”
Nagsimula nanamang umiyak si Kath. Wala akong puwedeng sabihin na maaaring magpagaan ng kalooban niya. Nakinig lang nanaman ako sa kanya.
“Hindi lang kanina Marco na ganoon. Tuwing aattend ako ng midweek o Sunday service mula nang magsimula tayong to be seriously get involved with another, eh pakiramdam ko lagi ang pinatatamaan ng kung sino man ang naka-assign na mag-preach.”
Kung tutuusin, hindi si Jay ang matinding karibal ko kundi ang pananampalataya ni Kath sa Panginoon.
“Marco, are you not bothered by what we are doing?”
Hindi man ako pala-simba eh I believe in Him. Paano ko ba sasabihin kay Kath na ako man ay may struggles din katulad ng sa kanya. But I keep asking Him for forgiveness and understanding. Para kasing itinapon ko na sa basurahan ang aking konsensya. Wala na akong gustong mangyari kung hindi iyong makasama ko si Kath.
“I can’t take it anymore Marco. Every time we do those things we did, I feel so dirty.”
Mas lumakas pa ang iyak ni Kath.
“I am sorry Kath… This is all my fault.”
“No Marco. Hindi na ako bata. May isip naman ako. May sarili akong desisyon. Ginusto ko lahat ng ginawa natin. Ginusto kong pumasok sa relasyong ito na walang pumipilit sa akin. Kaya pareho lang tayong may fault dito.”
Gusto kong bigyan ng justification ang mga ginagawa namin. Pero anong justification ang puwede kong ibigay. Puwede ko bang sabihin na tao lang ang may gawa ng lahat ng existing moral standards?
“We love each other Kath. That’s all that matters.”
“Stop that Marco. Mahal nga natin ang isa’t isa pero mali eh. Patuloy ba tayong mamumuhay sa kasalanan?”
Puwede ko bang sabihin na mas malaking kasalanan na patuloy silang nagsasama ni Jay… at kami ni Anna… na alam naman namin pareho na hindi namin sila mahal?
“It has to stop Marco. We have to stop. Bago pa man na mabisto ni Jay… o ni Anna… o ninoman… ang mga ginagawa natin eh itigil na natin.”
Ano pa ba ang puwede kong sabihin para ma-convince ko si Kath na huwag tapusin ang relasyon namin.
“Marco… I am sorry. I am not choosing between you and Jay. I am choosing between what is right and what is wrong.”
Gusto ko sanang sabihin kay Kath na ako nama’y hindi namili sa pagitan ng kung ano ang tama at mali. Tatlo ang pinagpipilian ko – ang tama, ang mali, at si Kath. At si Kath ang pinili ko.
“Let’s just be friends Marco. But no more calls. Let’s go back to what it used to. Puwede tayong magkumustahan once in a while pero PM na lang.”
“Kath please… allow me to still call you…”
“Marco… we both know what will happen if we still do video calls. So please… Hayaan mo na ako. Tulungan mo ako sa gusto kong gawin. Mahihirapan din ako. Nasanay na ako na lagi kang kausap at alam mo kung gaano ako karupok pagdating sa iyo. But I have to bear it.”
“Basta Kath… I will still call you.”
“If you do that Marco, I will be forced na i-block ka sa Facebook. If you will call me using your phone, I will block your number as well.”
Wala na akong masabi. Tinignan ko na lang si Kath. Maaring iyon na nga ang huling pagkakataon na makausap ko siya.
“If you have nothing more to say, I have to end this call. Jay will be calling anytime soon. Ni-request ko iyon. Parte ng prosesong pagdadaanan ko. Sa halip na ikaw, siya dapat ang kausapin ko.”
Nasaktan ako sa narinig kong iyon. Pero ano ang magagawa ko.
“Ano, may sasabihin ka pa ba?”
Iling na lang ang naitugon ko kay Kath.
“Marco, for the last time… let me say this. I love you. But I have to learn to forget you. Sana maintindihan mo kung bakit ko kaylangang gawin ito. I am sorry.”
“I love you too Kath.”
“Goodbye now Marco. Pilitin mo sanang matutuhang mahalin si Anna. I wish the best for the two of you.”
Wala na si Kath. If that is for good, only God knows.
I lost Kath… not to Jay… but to her strong faith.
Mahirap talagang karibal ang Panginoon. Wala akong panalo.
Siguro nga eh tama si Kath… hindi kami ukol para sa isa’t isa.
– W A K A S –
The Runner-up
(A Dramatic Speech)
Thrice that I tried, thrice that I failed. That in a nutshell is the story of my attempts to represent our school in the annual extemporaneous speech competition. Had I won first place in the contest I should have been the school’s bet for that event. But as usual, I ended up the runner-up and my friend Athena the winner. She really is an excellent orator. Whatever I can do, she can do better. It is what it is. That’s it. Perhaps next year, I’ll just try declamation so I wouldn’t compete with her anymore.
“I was just lucky Christian!” That was Athena trying to console me after the contest.
“It has nothing to do with luck. You’re really a good speaker.” You deserve to win. Good luck with the speech competition.”
After saying “thank you,” Athena embraced me. Well, that’s my consolation prize, I got a hug from my friend.
Then the day of the competition came. I went to the school hosting the cultural contests to watch the different events. As soon as I reached the campus of the host school, my phone rang. It was Mrs. Simon, our school principal. She asked me to see her immediately so we could talk. Sensing the urgency in her voice, I headed hurriedly to the library of that school where she said she would wait for me.
“Christian… Athena is in the hospital now, she had an accident on her way here. She wouldn’t make it to the contest. Having won second place in our elimination you ought to substitute for her. You will be our contestant for the extemporaneous speech. The officers of the event allowed it.”
I was dumbfounded…speechless! She talked fast as if not wanting to give me the opportunity to say no. That’s vintage Mrs. Simon… direct to the point, firm, and wouldn’t take NO for an answer. No ifs, no buts. I didn’t know what to say then. I was worried about the fact that I’m joining a competition on so short a notice…but I was more worried about Athena.
“The contest starts in less than two hours. Do this not for yourself, not even for the school. Do this for your friend Athena. PLEASE!” Mrs. Simon implored.
I accepted the challenge and started preparing mentally. It’s good that I was familiar with the criteria for judging and the theme was the same one we used for our school competition. The only problem was the specific topic.
When Ms. Cruz, Athena’s coach arrived, we had a discussion about the contest rules and the possible specific topics the judges might give.
Then finally, the contest started. And as if having only less than two hours to prepare is not challenging enough, I even picked no. 1 in the drawing of lots making me the first contestant.
In a room adjacent to the contest venue, I was handed a piece of paper containing the specific topic written in a question form.
“What can you do to make the Philippines a better nation?”
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed. That’s not one of the possible questions I practiced with Ms. Cruz.
I had three minutes to prepare my speech…three minutes to think of how can I make my country better. Are the judges kidding me? They are giving me just a few minutes to solve the problems that bedeviled this nation for God knows how long.
Look! How many presidents took turns in running the show in Malacañang? How many years did each of them have to make this nation great? Did they succeed? NOOO!!! And here are the judges asking me to perform a miracle… make the Philippines a great nation… and I only have what… 3 minutes!!! Those presidents even had the help of the honorable senators and congressmen and here I am…just an ordinary boy… by my lonesome! What can I do?
Wait…wait…! Calm down Christian….calm down…this is just a contest…take the competition seriously and not the question…it’s only a question…it’s hypothetical. Don’t take it personally! Take a deep breath. Come on! Inhale….exhale…
I want to stop the hands of time. Every movement of the minute hand is like a knife slicing my mind, shredding to pieces my composure.
Until the last few seconds, nothing came to my mind. Then Ms. Cruz came telling me it’s time. I closed my eyes and whispered, “Dear Lord, please help me.”
Deliberately that I walked slowly towards the next room. Then I passed by one student standing on the hallway his head swaying to the music he’s playing on his cell phone. I know the song. It’s Michael Jackson’s “Man In The Mirror.” Then that part of the song I heard as I passed by the student was like electricity that lightened a bulb in my head.
That was one of my “aha moments.” God heard my plea.
“I am but a young man. Still struggling to get an education. I don’t have much to give… no brilliant ideas to share… to make the Philippines a better nation. I don’t have the power, the money, the influence to make any meaningful contributions to our society. But there is one thing I can do that might just be what this nation needs. In one of his songs, the king of Pop, the late Michael Jackson, said that if I want to make this world a better place, I have to take a look at myself then make a change. That exactly is what I intend to do. I cannot change the system of our government. I cannot change your ways of thinking and of doing things. I cannot change you…but I can change myself. I have the power to transform me. I can change my attitude in life. I can change my perspectives. I can be the best me. If only each of us can change for the better, the Philippines might be a better nation.”
That I supposed was the best part of my 3-minute speech. I did not stay in the contest venue after I delivered my impromptu speech. I went out and proceeded immediately to the hospital where Athena was confined. I was happy to see her sustaining just minor injuries.
While in the hospital, I got a call from Mrs. Simon informing me of the results of the contest. Guess what! NO! I did not win 1st place. I was again a runner-up. At least, along with the winner, I will represent the district in the provincial competition.
Anyway, winning the contest was not the great news I wanted to have that day… it was knowing that my friend Athena is okay after the accident.
Hindi Nga Ba Ukol? (6)
(6th of 7 parts)
“Well said… isa ba iyan sa mga inihanda mong speech para ma in love ulit ako sa iyo?”
“Bakit Kath… hindi ka ba in love.”
“Here we go again… Marco… we’re just friends now. Nothing more… nothing less.”
Tumahimik na lang ako matapos sabihin iyon ni Kath.
“Pero Marco… sino iyong tinutukoy mong puting rosas doon sa tula mong “Sa Hardin ng Puso Ko”?
Totoo ngang binabasa ni Kath ang mga tula ko. Alam niya ang ganoong ka-specific na detail sa tula kong iyon.
“Kath… obvious naman siguro na ikaw iyon di ba.”
“Ewan ko sa iyo Marco. Ewan ko sa iyo.”
**********
Mula noon, ang once a week naming video calls ay naging twice a week, minsan nga ay thrice. May mga pagkakataon na siya na mismo ang tumatawag sa akin. Minsan nga kahit hindi gabi ay nagugulat akong bigla na lamang siyang tatawag.
“O Kath, natawag ka. What’s up?”
“Sorry naabala yata kita… sige na cut ko na itong call.”
“No… no… no… Please don’t. Break ko ngayon. Nandito ako sa isang coffee shop. Balik ako sa office after 20 minutes.”
“Okay. What time ka uuwi mamaya?”
“You know my schedule Kath.”
“Ah yeah… Today’s Wednesday. You be home by 7:00 PM.”
“Yes baby!”
“BABBYY!? Me?”
“Yeah. Okay lang ba Kath kung tawagin kitang baby?”
“Magtigil ka nga Marco.”
“Sige na… just let me call you baby.”
“Bahala ka nga.”
“YEESS! Teka bakit nga pala natawag ka?”
Hindi sumasagot si Kath.
“Aha! Alam ko na. Miss ako ng baby ko.”
“Assuming ka Marco.”
Alam ko naman kung bakit tumawag si Kath. Hindi na niya kaylangang sabihin.
“Hoy Marco… sino iyang babae sa likod. Tingin ng tingin sa iyo ah.”
“Malay ko. Gusto mo tanungin ko pangalan?”
“Sira… Siguraduhin mo lang na hindi mo kasama iyan ha.”
“No baby. I don’t know her.”
“Okay Marco. I know you still need to go back to work. Ako naman eh preparing to attend our mid-week service sa church.”
**********
That night, excited akong tinawagan ulit si Kath. Katulad ng dati ay nagsend muna ako ng PM sa kanya.
“Hello Kath! Puwede po bang tumawag?”
Dati, it would take only a few seconds for Kath to respond indicating na hinihintay niya talaga na magparamdam ako. That time, ilang minuto na ang lumilipas ay hindi siya sumasagot. “Not seen” ang status ng message kong iyon.
Maraming bagay ang naglaro sa isip ko. Baka nakatulog siya o busy with something. O baka nagkaproblema at dapat niya ito ayusin.. O baka ayaw niya lang talaga akong kausapin.
After an hour, muli akong nagmessage.
“Kath… if there is something wrong… please tell me. But if you have just fallen asleep eh okay lang. I’ll just see you tomorrow. Goodnight baby.”
Nahiga ako pero hindi ako dalawin ng antok. Maya’t-maya eh tinitignan ko ang aking FB messenger checking if she has already responded. Pero wala.
**********
Hating-gabi na nang naglakas-loob akong tawagan siya sa Messenger.
Sinagot niya.
“Are you okay Kath?” Ang bungad ko sa kanya.
Umiling-iling siya.
“May I know why?” Ang tanong ko.
Matagal bago siya sumagot.
“Marco…”
“Sige lang… I am listening.”
“Marco… let’s stop this. Please stop calling me.”
“Why? Kanina nang tumawag ka okay naman tayo ah. Why all of a sudden eh ganito…”
“I’m sorry Marco… Ang tindi ng tama sa akin ng preaching ni pastor kanina. Sapol na sapol ako.”
“Bakit ka naman nasapol?”
“Can’t you see Marco? I long for your presence more than I long for Jay’s presence. Dati nag-uusap kami almost every night. Then you came back to my life. Now, I’d rather talk to you than to him.”
Natutuwa akong marinig ko iyon. Iyon ay isang pag-amin na mahal niya ako… na mahal pa rin niya ako hanggang ngayon. Pero hindi lubusan ang saya kong iyon dahil nararamdaman ko ang struggles ni Kath.
“Heto nanaman ako Marco. Nagpapakagaga sa iyo. Bakit ba pagdating sa iyo eh ang rupok-rupok ko.”
Hinayaan ko lang magasalita si Kath. Nakining lang ako.
“Tahimik na kasi ako noon Marco. Bakit kasi hindi mo na lang ako kinalimutan? Bakit kinulit mo pa ako ng kinulit? Kasalanan ko naman eh. I could have chosen to disengage earlier from that conversation when you greeted me on my birthday. Bakit kasi hinayaan ko na humaba ang paguusap natin noon? Bakit kasi sinagot ko iyong video call mong iyon?”
Pagkatapos niyang sabihin ang mga iyon eh may namagitang katahimikan sa pagitan namin.
“Mali itong ginagawa natin Marco. Tigilan na natin ito. Kalimutan mo na ako.”
“Kalimutan ka Kath? Sabi ko nga sa iyo di ba. Sinubukan ko. Pero ang hirap mong kalimutan. And I think I will never ever do that. I am sorry. I love you baby.”
Nakita kong tumitig direkta sa webcam ng laptop niyang gamit si Kath. She probably searched for my eyes.
“I love you too Marco… I love you. May God forgive me… but I love you.”
**********
Almost every night na kami nagkakausap ni Kath since then. Minsan kahit sa araw ay bigla na lang siyang tatawag… ganoon din ako. Kapag nami-miss ko siya eh tatawag ako at kahit sandali eh maguusap kami.
Kung naglalakbay kami sa dagat eh masasabi kong lumaot na kami ng lumaot ni Kath. Hindi na namin tanaw ang dalampasigang pinanggalingan namin. At hindi din ako nakakatiyak kung gusto pa namin bumalik sa dalampasigang iyon.
Isang gabi…
“Marco… gaano katotoo na mula nang mapunta ka diyan eh hindi ka umaano?”
“Umaano? Ano iyon?”
“Sus… akala mo naman hindi niya alam kung ano sinasabi ko. O sige… dyugdyug na lang. Mula ba noong nag-Korea ka eh hindi ka naka-dyugdyug?”
“Sabihin ko mang hindi eh maniniwala ka ba?”
“Mahirap lang paniwalaan… sa ano mong iyan eh parang imposible.”
“Sa ano? Anong ano sinasabi mo?”
“LIBOG… Sa libog mong iyan eh parang imposibleng hindi ka umaano diyan.”
“Sabi nang hindi nga eh… Kung gusto kong tumikim ng babae dito eh may pambayad naman ako. Kayang-kaya ng budget ko. Puwede ring akong manyota ng mga babaeng Pinay dito kung gugustuhin ko.”
“So… how do you… you know.”
Natawa ako sa tanong na iyon ni Kath.
“Selfie. Do you get what I mean.” Sagot ko.
“Sus, pa-cute ka pa. Ayaw pang sabihin masturbate.”
Nagtawanan kaming dalawa.
“Ayon na nga… Nagse-selfie ako Kath. Not necessarily dahil horny ako. Kaylangan kong i-realease iyon. Naniniwala ako na one way of avoiding prostate cancer eh there should be a certain number of times na mag-ejaculate ang lalaki.”
“Talaga?”
“Yes Kath. That’s the only reason I need to do it. Kaya nga ako twice a week mag-selfie.”
“Do you need stimulation kapag gagawin mo iyon?”
“Yeah… may mga adult websites akong pinupuntahan whenever I have to do it.”
“Ay… kadiri ka Marco.”
Nagtawanan ulit kami ni Marco.
“By the way Kath, I hope you don’t mind me asking. Ikaw… do you…”
Parang nahiya akong ituloy ang tanong na iyon.
“Masturbate? Do I masturbate? Is that what you want to ask?”
Tumango ako.
“No! During the first few days of Jay sa barko eh minsang sinubukan naming gawin iyon online.”
“Kath…You mean cybersex.”
“Yup Marco. But I wasn’t able to attain orgasm. I don’t know why. Kaya hindi na namin inulit.”
“Kath…”
“Yes Marco.”
May iba akong naramdam dahil sa pinaguusapan namin.
“Why Marco? Are you okay?”
“Ahh.. sorry Kath. I just felt something.”
“What is it?”
“Never mind Kath. I’ll be fine.”
“No Marco… tell me what you feel.”
“I said never mind Kath.”
“Marco… I said tell me.”
M.A.D. LIGAYA
M.A.D. L I G A Y A 