Sleep was a distant memory, replaced by the relentless echo of your name. Though I’d made my choice, tethering myself to Elena and our unborn child, the pull towards you remained a stubborn ember. My feelings for you, a complex tapestry woven with threads of longing and regret, refused to unravel. In a world without the weight of impending fatherhood, our paths would have diverged from Sagada, hand in hand.
A dull ache pulsed in my temples as I pushed myself out of bed. Elena was lost in slumber; her peaceful face contrasted with my turmoil. The kitchen offered a momentary respite, and a black coffee was the only solace I could find.
The terrace could offer a momentary respite to clear my head. But fate had other plans. There you were, a tableau of domestic bliss, your head nestled on Daniel’s shoulder. A bitter bile rose in my throat as jealousy, a venomous serpent, slithered through my veins.
“Oh, you’re up already,” Daniel said.
“Yeah, I got up early. I have to prepare my things. I’m heading to Marlboro Hills later.”
“It’s beautiful there, Jeff. You’ll enjoy taking pictures. Sorry for the trouble we caused last night.”
“That’s okay, Daniel.”
“By the way, I’ll go ahead. I need to tend to our vegetable garden.”
“Oh, I see. Alright, take care, brother.”
“I’m the only one going. Camille will stay here for now. I’ll pick her up this afternoon.”
I opened the gate for your husband. After he left, I went back to the terrace. As I got closer to where you were sitting, you stood up. Your sudden rise was a silent declaration of war. Your hands, once soft, connected with my face twice with a stinging force. The world tilted, and I was suspended in a bubble of disbelief for a brief, disorienting moment.
“Why?” I asked, glancing inside the house to ensure no one saw what you did.
“Why? You don’t know why? What you did to me was far worse than these slaps.”
I managed to block your next slap.
“Stop it, Camille… stop it. Please forgive me.”
“Goddamn you, Jeff. Why did you do this to me? You pushed me in deeper instead of pulling me out of the quicksand I fell into.”
I shook my head.
“What’s your answer to my question last night? Didn’t you enjoy being with me? I’m asking you, not Daniel. What’s your answer?”
You started to cry. I gently guided you to sit down.
“Camille… let me explain.”
“I don’t need your explanation. It’s you I need. We can still leave. Later today… or even tomorrow… whenever you want.”
“Sorry, Camille… we can’t do that.”
“Why not? Why?”
I shook my head as I looked at you. You kicked me in the leg.
“Get away from me.”
I retreated to the far end of the terrace, your sobs a mournful symphony that echoed in the still morning air. The weight of your anger pressed down on me, a crushing burden. I wanted to explain, to unravel the tangled mess of our lives, but words seemed inadequate. Your pain was tangible, a physical presence between us.
After a few moments, Elena came out of the room. She saw us on the terrace.
“Good morning, Ate Camille.”
You just smiled in response.
“Why do you look like you’ve been crying, Ate?”
“It’s nothing, I just remembered what happened yesterday.”
“Ah, I thought Jeff was making you cry,” Elena laughed. I knew my fiancée was just joking. You looked at me before smiling at Elena in response to what she said.
Then, Elena came over to me and kissed me on the cheek. You bowed your head, just like I did when you kissed Daniel. It seemed like you didn’t want to see Elena kiss me. Maybe it was jealousy, too.
“Your cheek looks red, Dad. What happened there?”
“Nothing… I just scratched it earlier. That’s why it’s red,” I said, trying to divert your attention by asking, “Is your mom still asleep?”
“Let’s just let her rest so she can get better soon.”
Elena took a sip of my coffee. “Oh… by the way, Ate Camille, I have good news for you.”
“Ha!? What is it?”
“Dad, why don’t you tell Ate Camille?”
“Oh. Why me?”
“Please, Dad… pleeeassseee!”
Reluctantly, I granted Elena’s request. “Camille… El… Elena is pregnant. Six weeks now.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Ate Camille.”
“Wow… well, congratulations to both of you. You’re going to be parents.”
You smiled as you said that. Your forced smile was a mask concealing a tempest of emotions. I saw the flicker of defeat in your eyes, starkly contrasting the joy she was feigning. Your arm, once resting confidently on the chair, now hung limply, a silent confession of her despair. It was a tableau of pain, a silent plea for solace.
“Thank you. Of course, we’ll ask you to be the godmother… right, Dad?”
I nodded. “Ah… sure… sure. Why not.”
When you said that, it seemed like you wanted to burst into tears, especially when Elena lifted her shirt like a child and placed my hand on her belly.
“Hold on, I’ll go inside and lie down again. I have a headache.”
“Oh… that’s a hangover, Camille. Alright, rest well. I’ll go cook breakfast now.”
You and Elena went inside the house together. It was a silent exodus that left me alone with my thoughts. Elena disappeared into the kitchen while you collapsed onto the sofa, your back turned to me. You seemed to be a fortress of solitude, shielding your vulnerability from my probing gaze. I couldn’t decipher the storm within you—sorrow, anger, or a mix of both.
**********
After that day, you and Daniel only visited the house once a week, usually on a Sunday. It was obvious you were avoiding me whenever you were at the house. Those Sundays became a ritual of avoidance, a carefully choreographed dance around the elephant in the room. Not once did we have a conversation alone. But that’s probably for the best because I didn’t want to give Elena any more reason to doubt us—if she had any doubts at all.
Aside from no families being broken, one positive outcome of my not showing up at our meeting that day is the changes I’ve seen in your husband. Your mother-in-law, who will also be my mother-in-law, says Daniel is completely different now. Once trapped in a shadowy world, Daniel now radiated a newfound sense of purpose. If what she says is true, he hasn’t touched alcohol since the day we were supposed to leave Elena and him. And maybe if what I saw in his clutch bag back then was drugs, perhaps he has quit that too.
The following month and a few days had good weather. There were no heavy rains, just occasional light drizzles that didn’t last long. Because of this, Elena and I could visit the places I wanted to go to for the pictures and videos I needed. Taking care of Elena and my travel vlog kept me busy during those days.
We chose the following week as the schedule for our civil wedding because we would be returning to Pasig the week after that. Elena was three months pregnant by then. Only my father, mother, and one sibling would attend because it would just be a simple wedding. I promised Elena that the grand wedding would be after she gave birth.
The rooster’s crow was a rusty blade scraping against my conscience. Sleep had been a stranger the entire night, replaced by a relentless loop of “Camille or Elena?” Shame burned in my throat as I glanced at the clock – almost nine. Elena, bless her heart, had taken the other room to care for her sick mother.Stepping onto the terrace, the cool mountain air slapped me awake. Elena and her mother were already there, their worried expressions deepening as they saw me.
“You had a good sleep, didn’t you, son? It’s almost nine o’clock,” said Elena’s mother.
“I walked quite a distance yesterday. They said I was almost at Marlboro Hills.”
“Ah… so, Dad, did you see Marlboro Hills already?”
“Not really. I was running out of time, so I headed back to visit the mini rice terraces. Next time, I’ll go there.”
“I see. Dad, do you plan to go out today?”
“Huh? Uh… I’m not sure. We’ll see later.”
“Okay, wait for me before you leave. We’re just going to the clinic in town with mom. We’re leaving, just waiting for you to wake up.”
“We’ll leave you for now, Jeff.”
“Alright, take care.”
“I’ll buy some cooked dishes for our lunch later,” Elena said before they left.
Alone in the house, I paced like a caged animal. The weight of my choice pressed down on me, a suffocating burden. Elena, a future filled with comfort and familiarity. Camille, a passionate whirlwind that threatened to upend everything. I set a deadline for myself – a decision by lunch.
It was almost noon when Elena and her mother returned. Fortunately, I had already cooked some rice. I helped Elena prepare the food on the table.
“Jeff, Elena has a surprise for you later.”
“A surprise Mom? What is it?”
“It’s a surprise, after all. Elena will tell you herself.”
Elena just smiled when she looked at me. I thought maybe she bought something for me in town.
Once the table was set, we started eating. At that moment, I wondered if you were already at the hut. I thought about what would happen if I decided to go with you and leave Sagada. My thoughts were interrupted when Elena tried to feed me some food.
Then, her mother spoke.
“Elena, give Jeff your surprise now.”
“Oh, right.”
“What is it, Mommy?”
“Hold on… you’re too excited.”
Elena stood up and grabbed her shoulder bag. She took something out and handed it to me.
IThe pregnancy test felt like a live grenade in my hand. Positive. Those two red lines burned into my retinas. Relief warred with terror in my chest as I saw Elena’s radiant smile. Elena was pregnant. I couldn’t speak right away.
“Oh, it looks like you’re not excited, Dad.”
Once I collected myself, I squeezed Elena’s hand, a silent apology tangled with a burgeoning sense of responsibility. The turmoil within me remained a locked box, but for now, this child was my anchor. Maybe, I thought with a sliver of hope, the universe had intervened, a divine hand steering me away from a path of destruction.
“I was just surprised, Mommy. But you don’t know how happy I am. I’m going to be a father.”
“… and I’m finally going to be a grandmother. I want you to get married at the courthouse as soon as possible. Just a simple celebration. I don’t want people here to see my daughter pregnant without knowing you got married.”
“Yes, Mom. I’ll call my parents later, and Elena and I will tell them our plans.”
Elena was thrilled with what she heard. I caressed her cheek, and she kissed my hand.
“Oh… finish your meal quickly, Dad. You have plans.”
“Huh… I don’t feel like going out anymore. I’d rather stay here by your side.”
“Aww, my Dad suddenly became sweet. Just yesterday, you were so grumpy.”
I still thought of you amid those conversations. You are the reason I could leave Elena, but now I’ve found a reason not to choose you – Elena’s bearing my first child. I don’t need to think any further, and maybe when you learn why I didn’t meet you at our rendezvous, you’ll understand.
Perhaps I can say that the Lord answered my prayer. Let’s just say that the Lord foresaw the future and knew I would be in this situation, so He granted Elena a child to prevent me from doing something foolish.
This doesn’t mean I now believe in fate… that destiny has wheels. The Lord gave us two gifts. The first is life, and the second is the freedom to make any decision we want. He doesn’t interfere with which path we take. I know that the sadness and failures we experience are not punishments from Him. Those are the results of our wrong decisions.
However, sometimes the Lord does favor those He cherishes. I’m not saying He favored me, but Elena. My fiancée is a very good person. I’m not saying you’re not a good person. I have no right to judge you because I am also not pleasing in the eyes of the Lord.
What’s frightening is karma. I feared that Daniel might be punished for the wrongs he did to you. I also feared we might be punished for the infidelities we committed and the wrong we intended to do. I just hope that since we didn’t go through with our plan, we won’t face retribution.
**********
That night, we were awakened by the continuous honking of a car. Elena and I came out of the room, as did her mother. We peered out the window.
“Mom, could you please open the gate?”
It was Daniel calling.
“Jeff, please open the gate,” her mother said.
I opened the gate. Daniel drove the car in, quickly got out, and opened the back door. You stepped out, almost stumbling, so your husband decided to carry you inside the house.
You were soaking wet, and if I’m not mistaken, you seemed drunk.
Daniel laid you on the sofa in the living room. Their mother quickly went into the bedroom, got a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and changed you out of your wet clothes. I turned away while they dressed you together.
“Why don’t you ever carry an umbrella when you know it’s the rainy season?” their mother said.
“What happened to Camille?” Elena asked.
“She left the house before noon, said she was going somewhere. She took her shoulder bag and a large plastic bag.”
“Wait, let me wipe her face with warm water,” Elena said.
Daniel continued his story.
“When it got dark and she hadn’t returned, I started looking for her. Someone mentioned that around three o’clock, she bought wine and beer at the store and seemed to head into the woods towards the mini rice terraces. I thought she might be at the hut, so I went there. That’s where I found her.”
I just listened to their conversation. There was nothing I could say. I felt so sorry for your condition. I wanted to blame myself. I hope you can forgive me, but I can’t leave Elena, I can’t abandon the child that soon we’re going to have.
“Her plastic bag was full of clothes. I think Camille was planning to leave me.”
We all fell silent for a moment.
“That’s why, Daniel, you need to think things over. Treat Camille better. She told us she wants to separate from you.”
“Yes, Mom. When I realized she was planning to leave me, I understood that I don’t want to lose her. I’ll try to save our marriage. I’ll try to change, Mom.”
As Elena wiped your face with a cloth soaked in warm water, you suddenly opened your eyes. Our gazes met.
“I thought you loved me. But you didn’t. You just led me on.”
I was shocked when you said that. Elena looked at me, confused.
“Weren’t you satisfied with the way I f—– you? Wasn’t it good enough for you?”
Your words hung heavy in the air, a scathing indictment of my betrayal. Elena’s gaze darted between us, the first crack appearing in the facade of her happiness. It was a confused look, but the seed of doubt was sown.
“Ca… Camille… It’s Jeff… I’m not Daniel.”
“Ha!? Is that so?” you said.
Then you started laughing uncontrollably.
“So, you’re Jeff… not Daniel. Well, sorry then.”
“Oh, it looks like Camille is delirious,” said Elena’s mother.
“Yes, it seems so. She probably mistook Jeff for me,” said your husband.
Relief washed over me as you drifted off to sleep, a temporary truce declared. But Elena’s furrowed brow, a silent storm brewing, sent a fresh wave of unease crashing over me. The weight of my choices, for better or worse, had settled in. The consequences, like a gathering storm, loomed on the horizon.
That’s obviously a Latin phrase. In English, it means “Remember you must die.”
We all have different mindsets about death. Some people fear the thought of one day dying, while others acknowledge the fact that it is something inevitable. Whether we like it or not, there will come a day when finally we will breathe our last. We’ll never know when it will be. Remember that death will come like a thief in the night.
“Memento Mori” seems to be the theme of my past 4 weeks. After celebrating my birthday on June 13th, the news of my Mom’s death greeted me the following day. It made me feel like my Mom died after giving birth to me. That day and the next were perhaps the busiest days of my life. I got overwhelmed by mixed emotions and had to accomplish many things before I could fly home. I had to prepare many things. Imagine this – It was the last day of the final exams for my students in South Korea, and the following day, I had to come home to the Philippines for my Mom’s funeral rites.
Needless to say, seeing my Mom go is painful. But I had to choose between dying in sadness for losing her or wrestling with sorrow seeing her suffer every day in that vegetative state – she could not move, could not talk, could barely open her eyes, and had to be fed through a nasogastric tube.
We had the remains of my Mom cremated. She wanted it that way. Her ashes are being kept by my sister while I am still having a mausoleum built in a memorial lot I bought. Construction started on July 1st. The flooring and the walls had to be finished by next week to commemorate my Mom’s 40th day on the 24th of July. That day, we will have her ashes rest in that mausoleum. In the future, I will have the remains of my father and elder brother, currently resting at a cemetery in Batangas, exhumed and transferred to the said mausoleum.
One day, while monitoring the mausoleum’s construction, I saw a coffin pulled out from a tomb in a nearby memorial lot. It was already open, and I saw the skeleton of the dead person. While my companions would not even dare look at the coffin, I went near it to see clearly what was inside. I saw the skull and other parts of the skeletal remains not covered by the dead’s clothes. The lower jaw was already detached from the head.
I happen to know the person who pulled the casket from the vault. He told me that the daughter of that dead person died and would be entombed there. I presumed that the coffin would be thrown away and the skeletal remains would be placed somewhere else.
I saw how that man removed the dress, the shoes, and the underwear from the skeletal remains. I don’t know if it is proper to describe it this way… “undressed the skeletal remains.” I also saw the condition of the casket. It looked expensive when it was new but useless after a few years inside the crypt. Only the metal parts would probably still be of use.
Then I saw how the man gingerly put the skeletal remains inside a sack. Poor sack used to serve as a container for one of the staples of life—rice. That day, it became a repository for skeletons. After that, I saw the sack of (not rice) skeletal remains being placed in a smaller vault called a bone box.
What I witnessed that day — the state of the skeletal remains and the coffin — strengthened my belief that Filipinos need to embrace the cremation of our dead.
The day after my Mom’s final funeral rites, a brother-in-law died. That week was somehow heartbreaking. I had to attend funeral rituals again. A few minutes after his death, I went to his house and saw him lying lifeless in a reclining chair. One of our neighbors seated next to me discussed how fragile life is… that no matter how famous, rich, and powerful people are, they all succumb to death. To that, I added that what is ironic is that we can not bring to our graves the diplomas we received, the money we earned, the cars, houses, jewelry, and whatever other things we bought.
Unlike what we did to my Mom’s remains, my brother-in-law’s family did not have his body cremated. My family is one of the very few Filipino families that welcome cremation. It will still take time for Filipinos to accept the fact that it is more practical and convenient to have the remains of our beloved cremated.
“By the sweat of your brow, you will eat your food until you return to the ground since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return (Genesis 3:19).”
As our intense encounter subsided, the rain’s relentless drumming continued. It wasn’t the rain that ended our passionate connection but our exhaustion from the frenzied attempt to consume each other. Like shipwrecked souls, our desperate thirst for connection left us drained and gasping for air in the harsh light of reality.
Sleep, a heavy, unwelcome blanket, enveloped you as always after our stolen moments of forbidden intimacy. The cycle had spun for what felt like an eternity, each encounter a desperate grasp at pleasure tainted with guilt. Once intoxicating, the thrill of the secret now felt like a flickering flame casting long, menacing shadows. We were moths drawn to its destructive warmth, unable to pull away.
As I got dressed, I saw you sleeping. You looked beautiful and captivating. It’s unfortunate that you’re with someone like Daniel. I felt a selfish urge to make a promise I couldn’t keep – to take you away from your husband. But the weight of Elena’s trust, a fragile thread already straining, held me back. Should I leave my fiancée to be with you?
The sound of thunder pulled you from sleep. By then, I was already clothed, a knot of guilt tightening in my gut as I sat perched on the edge of the bed near your feet. You stretched, a yawn escaping your lips, before reaching for your clothes. As you held them out to me, a silent question hung in the air. “Help me dress?” you asked, a flicker of something – trust? Dependence? – in your eyes. I willingly obliged.
As I finished helping you dress, I was overcome by a mixture of emotions. The urge to hold you close, to feel your warmth against mine, was a physical ache I couldn’t ignore. My fingers brushed the bare skin of your nape. Then I leaned in and pressed a kiss to the sensitive flesh there. My lips lingered, the warmth of your skin searing a brand onto my conscience.
The embrace lingered, a silent plea hanging heavy in the air. With a reluctant sigh, you pushed yourself back, your eyes searching mine. A tremor ran through your hands as you cupped my face, your touch both hesitant and desperate. “Jeff,” you whispered, voice thick with unshed tears, “I can’t… I can’t stay with Daniel anymore. I can’t stay here in Sagada any longer. It’s suffocating me.” The words tumbled out, choked with emotion. “Please,” you pleaded, your eyes glistening, “help me get out of here. You’re my only hope.”
A stunned silence fell between us. Your words, laced with a desperation I hadn’t seen before, caught me completely off guard. My mind scrambled, unsure how to respond to such a sudden and dramatic plea.
“Jeff,” you whispered, clinging to me, “take me anywhere. I’ll go with you.”
My breath hitched. “Do you mean… leave Elena?”
You pulled back, your eyes stormy. “What am I to you, Jeff? A fleeting pleasure?”
A pained silence stretched between them. Finally, I muttered, “Camille…”
“Is this your game?” you cut me off, voice sharp. “Seduce and discard?”
I flinched. “What about you, Camille? Am I just a substitute for Daniel’s affection?”
“Love?” you scoffed. “Can you even love someone in a few days? Three days, Jeff. Three days, and you think you’re in love?”
The challenge in your eyes sparked something in me. “What about you, Camille? Have you…grown to love me?”
A beat of silence, then a shaky nod. “Yes.”
My heart pounded. “And what if I said the same? What if I told you, Camille, that I love you?”
A flicker of hope crossed your face, then hardened into resolve. “Then there’s no problem, Jeff. The decision is yours. Do whatever you want. But I’m leaving Sagada. Come if you want. We meet tomorrow. Here, until two.”
“But Camille…”
“No buts,” you said, your voice firm despite the tremor in your hand. “Me or Elena. Choose.”
You reached for the hut’s door, flinging it open to reveal a relentless curtain of rain. The wind whipped it sideways, momentarily chilling you to the bone. Without a word, you turned back to me. Glistening with unshed tears or maybe rainwater, your eyes held mine for a beat too long. Then, with a swiftness that surprised me, you leaned in. Our lips met in a desperate kiss, a plea whispered on the storm’s breath. It stretched on, a silent battle between what we wanted and what we knew. Just as my hand reached out to pull you closer, you broke away. A single tear escaped, tracing a glistening path down your cheek as you stepped back, a world of unspoken emotions swirling in your eyes.
“If you don’t come tomorrow, that will be the last kiss you get from me.”
The rain pounded on the roof, but you stepped into the downpour, refusing the shelter of your umbrella. The sight of you alone, soaked by the cold rain, stayed with me. Your unspoken words felt heavier than any storm. My thoughts mirrored the chaos outside, torn between you, Elena, my wife, and our life together. The choice between you both consumed me, an echo drowning out all reason.
I didn’t wait for the rain to stop. I went home, and along the way, I kept thinking about what you said after you kissed me before you left the hut – that it would be the last kiss I’d get from you if I didn’t go to the hut the next day. That was perhaps the sweetest kiss you’ve ever given me. It seemed like you purposely made that kiss intense as a reminder of what I would lose if I didn’t choose you. The memory of your kiss seared itself onto my thoughts, a constant reminder of the impossible choice I faced – the sweetness of your lips versus the comfort of Elena’s.
Upon reaching the house of my fiancée’s family, I was met by the jarring sight of Elena’s cheerful greeting on the terrace.
“Oh look, Dad, you didn’t get wet this time because you brought an umbrella.”
“Yes, Mommy,” I replied as I plopped down on a chair on the terrace.
Elena also sat on a chair in front of me.
“My daddy looks very tired again. Did a fairy appear again and…”
“Alright… a fairy came to the hut, and I f—ed her. That’s why I’m tired.”
That was the first time I seemed to have scolded Elena. She was startled. She bowed her head, looking embarrassed.
I quickly thought of a way to make up for it. I suddenly laughed and laughed.
Elena looked at me in surprise.
“Mommy, I was just pranking you. I was just pretending to be angry.”
Elena was very puzzled.
“I thought you were really angry, Dad.”
“So… sorry, Mommy. I guess I was just too tired.”
I scooted my chair closer to her. I held her hand and gently kissed it.
Elena’s next move caught me off guard. Rising from her chair, she closed the distance between us in a single, surprising step. Then, before I could fully react, she was on my lap, her lips meeting mine in a kiss that was anything but innocent. A playful nip at my lower lip sent a jolt through me, a mix of surprise and a strange, simmering arousal.
It was then that I realized the difference between your kisses – your kisses, a whirlwind of passionate intensity, had left me breathless. Hers, however, were like a soothing balm, filled with a tenderness that spoke of a love built over time. You were fire, a thrilling inferno. Elena, a warm hearth, a comforting refuge.
The decision of whether to meet you at the hut tomorrow wasn’t simply a choice between passion and love; it was a tangled web of desires, obligations, and the potential consequences of each path.
Elena tilted her head, her brow furrowed in concern. “Are you feeling alright, Dad? You seem a little out of sorts today.”
I offered a tired smile while squeezing her hand. “A bit of a long day, that’s all, ” I responded.
“Maybe we should just head back to Pasig, then? I was thinking maybe all this trouble here is getting to you.”
“The thought is sweet, Mommy, but we can handle a few bumps in the road. Sagada is beautiful, and we’re not done yet with what we came to do, right?”
Elena’s face brightened. “Right! Once Mom is feeling better, we can still see everything! The hanging coffins, the falls, the caves – it’ll be an adventure! We can even go to Banaue and see those amazing rice terraces everyone talks about!”
I chuckled. “Sounds like a plan. We’ll make a whole vacation out of it.”
“Prooomise!!!… Now, Dad, what do you want – coffee, tea, or me?”
I played along with Elena’s joke.
“Coffee now and you later.”
Another thing I loved about Elena was her sense of humor. You… had none. It was hard to read your true nature because we met when you were burdened with problems. So, I saw you as too serious and always troubled.
Why did it seem more likely that I would choose you? Elena, my wife, my rock. Her love was a steady lighthouse, guiding me through life’s storms. Yet, you were a shooting star, a fleeting glimpse of something extraordinary. The passion, the danger, and the wrongness of it all ignited a fire within me. Perhaps the allure of the forbidden, the thrill of the unknown, or maybe a spark of something deeper I couldn’t define made you the storm I was inexplicably drawn to.
The day loomed, a dark cloud on the horizon. The pull towards the hut, towards you, was undeniable. Yet, each step closer brought a fresh wave of doubt. A knot of guilt tightened in my gut, and the image of Elena’s trusting smile constantly reminded me of the love I was jeopardizing. Leaving felt wrong, a betrayal of the vows whispered on a sun-drenched day.
But then, your face would flash in my mind – the intensity of your gaze and your desperate plea. Was that reason enough? Reason, it seemed, had deserted me. Logic argued for safety, for the comfort of the familiar. But you were a storm brewing in my heart, a tempestuous force I couldn’t ignore. Desperate for clarity, I found myself drawn to a quiet corner untouched by the day’s turmoil. There, I surrendered the decision to a higher power with a whisper that felt more like a plea.
The next day, Elena and I couldn’t leave the house. It rained all day – rain that reminded me of you, of whatever it is between us. It wasn’t water quenching a fire, but rather like oil that ignited it. The relentless downpour lashed against the windows of Elena’s family house, a steady drumming that echoed the disquiet in my heart. My mind is like the windows; what transpired in the house and what we did under the table while having dinner are as relentless as the downpour pounding my being.
I’m not sure what I’m feeling for you. Am I just pretending not to know? Is it purely physical attraction? Am I being controlled by lust? Could I be developing genuine feelings for you, or do I simply feel sorry for your situation? The distinction between desire and deeper emotions is unclear, and I find myself lost in a sea of confusing feelings.
A shard of guilt twisted in my gut. Whatever is there between us is entirely wrong. You and Daniel aren’t married, and Elena and I aren’t married yet either, so we can’t be accused of committing adultery. We hadn’t broken any vows, but the betrayal felt heavy nonetheless. Maybe you didn’t feel guilty for betraying Daniel because perhaps your love for him has already faded for all the pain he caused you. But what about me? I love Elena. That’s why I’m marrying her. But why is it like this? There’s still a space in my heart, and it seems you filled it. And I need to find out how much space you have filled. It may be more than the space for Elena. It was like a path diverging, and I stood frozen at the crossroads, unsure which way to turn. Once reserved for her alone, the space in my heart now felt fractured, and the uncertainty clawed at me.
Elena is beside me, but you consume my thoughts. Why is it this way? When I kiss Elena and close my eyes, your face appears. It feels like I’m kissing you, not her. I went to Sagada because of Elena, not you. Yet, I can’t find a way to get you out of my mind. You’ve disrupted my quiet, simple life.
“Sorry, Dad.” Elena disrupted my thought processes. “We couldn’t go out. Let’s go tomorrow, okay.”
I responded to Elena with a kiss on the cheek.
“Mom is so embarrassed because of what’s happening. Why did it have to be now that we’re here that the problems with my brother and his wife erupted?”
“Tell her not to worry about me. Camille’s well-being is more important… uh… and your brother’s.”
I mentioned Elena’s brother because she might think something else about the two of us.
“I’ve been trying to call them to check, but they’re not answering. I also messaged Camille, but nothing. Maybe Daniel has her phone. Mom is really worried. That’s why it seems she’s feeling unwell.”
I was feeling so anxious about you. The whole day passed without any word from you, leaving me unsettled. In an attempt to distract myself, I spent time editing photos and videos to upload to my travel vlog website. Then I remembered that I had taken a picture of you. I transferred it to my laptop and opened it, hoping it would make me feel better, but it only made me sadder. It made me long to see you even more.
The third day since I met you arrived.
I barely slept the previous night, and thoughts of you occupied every waking moment. Do you ever think of me as well? With all your worries, is there any room left in your mind for me? In your heart, do I have any space? I hope I do, even if it’s just a tiny bit.
I was the first to wake up. Elena and her mother were still asleep when I got up. My fiancée slept in her mother’s room. Her mother had a fever, so she needed to be taken care of.
I brewed some coffee and sat on the terrace. The sun rose, though it might not last long because it was the rainy season. I thought that Elena and I could finally go out so I could have photos and videos for my vlogs and distract myself from constantly thinking of you. I wished to forget you. But will that happen?
“Good morning, dad. You’re up early.”
Elena sat next to me and sipped my coffee.
“My brother called around midnight. He apologized to mom. He said he and sister Camille are reconciled now.”
“Ah… that’s good to hear.”
I didn’t mean what I said. I did not want you to have a reconciliation with your husband. Is it impossible to resolve your deep-seated issues as a couple so easily? Nevertheless, I was glad to hear some news about you.
“Jeff, Mom has a fever, and I must take care of her. If you want to go out for pictures and videos for your vlog, I might not be able to accompany you. Is that okay?”
“It’s okay, mommy. You need to take care of mom.”
“Go visit the mini rice terraces. Take some pictures. Bear with the small rice terraces for now. Eventually, you’ll see the bigger ones.”
“Alright, mommy. Don’t worry about me.”
“Also, take a picture of the hut. I haven’t seen it in a long time. I’d like to see it even just in a photo.”
“Sure. I’ll leave around ten while the sun is still up. It might rain again this afternoon.”
“Okay, Dad. Wait, I’ll start cooking our breakfast. I’ll also prepare something for you to take with you later. Loverboy… there’s still beer in cans in the fridge if you want to bring some.”
I observed Elena as she walked towards the kitchen. She is a wonderful person with many beautiful qualities. You have known her for a long time and are aware of this, too. There’s nothing I can criticize about her, which is why my parents like her. That’s why my conscience is bothering me because of what’s happening.
After breakfast, I got my things ready. I was heading out again to capture more photos and videos.
The people I passed outside were already smiling at me, perhaps because they had heard that I was Elena’s fiancé. I waved at them and returned their smiles.
I found a spot where I could start taking pictures and videos. I opened my first can of beer, plugged my earphones in, and began singing along to songs by Air Supply and Ed Sheeran again. “Here I Am” by Air Supply now holds meaning for me because of you. The lines “those thoughts of you keep taunting me” resonated deeply.
That outing was definitely worth it. I took many photos. When I checked the time on my cell phone, I realized I had been walking for almost three hours. And then I saw the rice terraces carved into the side of the mountain again. They looked even more beautiful when hit by the sunlight.
I quickened my pace when I spotted the hut. It would be insincere to deny that I hoped to find you there. As I approached, I heard some movement inside, which made me almost sprint towards the hut, eager to see if you were there. I peeked through the open window, and all I could see were field mice on the table.
You weren’t there, and I felt disappointed, but it was okay. Maybe you and your husband, my future brother-in-law, were already getting along. Did you get fooled into reconciling with your good-for-nothing husband again? I didn’t want to say that I hoped you resolved your issues. I have to admit, I didn’t want that to happen.
I was irritated that you were on my mind again; I should be thinking about Elena, not you. There’s nothing between us because you’re already committed to Daniel, even if you’re just living together.
I moved a little away from the hut, and as Elena requested, I took a picture of the hut that had become the nest of our infidelity.
After that, I felt a cold breeze. The sun hid behind the clouds again, looking like it would rain. But this time, I had an umbrella with me. Elena insisted that I bring it in case it rained again.
It started to drizzle, so I went into the hut to retrieve the umbrella from my backpack. The rain intensified, but I could still venture outside if necessary. However, feeling tired and hungry, I chose to stay inside the hut for a bit. I planned to rest, have food, and then head home despite the rain.
I placed my belongings on the bed and unpacked my food. I had two more cans of beer. I only drank one and didn’t feel intoxicated. I
The wind picked up, so I closed the hut’s window. Luckily, I had a mini-rechargeable light in my backpack, and I turned it on before reaching for the door to close it. To my surprise, you walked in. It was unbelievable to experience that moment again – encountering you inside the hut. The only difference this time was that you were not wet from the rain as you had an umbrella. I also had an umbrella. Both of us had umbrellas, so why didn’t we decide to keep walking to avoid meeting there again?
You closed the door, then stood before me. As our eyes locked, no words were needed. You embraced me, reigniting our undeniable longing as our bodies connected. You kissed me passionately like nobody ever had. Then you pulled away from my embrace.
You sat on the edge of the bed, and while looking at me, you took off your clothes… and underwear. I approached you. You removed my belt, unzipped my pants while I was taking off my shirt, and then knelt before me. The ecstasy brought by what you did afterward was not like anything that I felt before.
While the hut provided shelter from the rain, we still got wet… with the guilt of our betrayal.
M.A.D. LIGAYA
M.A.D. L I G A Y A 