(A SHORT NOVEL)

Edge of the Fall (Part 1)

“Okay… okay, son.”

My mother broke the icy silence, her voice trembling, like the first sign of spring struggling to push through the stubborn grip of winter, unwilling to fully embrace the warmth.

“Ah… Joseph. Son, are you still with me?”

It was the last thread of patience and respect I had for my mother that made me still answer her.

“What is it this time, Mom?”

“Well, you see…”

I anticipated what my mother was going to say.

“Your brother is here. I want you two to talk. I’m begging you.”

The last thread of patience I had snapped. I didn’t respond to my mother’s supplications. I ended the call. That could never happen again – for me to talk to my mother’s eldest son. If, by some miracle, my bones and skull had not been crushed when I hit the rocks and I survived hypothermia thereafter, I would never shake the hands of my mother’s favorite son ever again. If I get to survive the plunge, we’d never reconcile.

It would have been easier to accept what happened if he hadn’t been involved. If it was another man who stole Jinky away from me, I wouldn’t be as devastated as I am now. But of all the people, why my brother? The brother who once promised, when we were little, that he would always have my back. Yeah, he had my back—just long enough to stab me in it.

 My mother tried several more times to call, but I decided to disregard them all. If I weren’t waiting for any other call, I would have turned off my phone and thrown it away. The silence felt colder than the buzzing phone in my hand, like a winter storm that refused to let up, relentless and unforgiving.

I had no one on my side. Of course, my mother would favor her favorite child. Maybe my friends understand me. I’m sure they know what happened. It’s very unlikely they have not heard about what happened. Many of them were invited to my wedding, which was supposed to happen today. But instead of tying the knots with the woman I love and celebrating, here I am walking by my lonesome, unable to understand what was happening despite my best efforts. What Jinky and my brother did to me was beyond comprehension, beyond forgiveness. The winter may eventually give way to spring, but never will this hatred that I have for them.

There have been calls and texts from my country. Some are even sending me private messages on Facebook. My Messenger and email are flooded with messages, but I have not responded to one of them. The advice and opinions of my well-meaning friends will not be able to console my grieving soul.  They don’t know what it’s like to feel stranded alone on a desolate island in the middle of an unyielding winter, with no warmth and no escape from the cold.

Whatever they say, it’s still me who will decide for myself. This is my life. I think no one can help me. No one can change what has happened.

What about God? Could He change everything that happened? If only He could. But I know that’s not how my Creator works. He doesn’t interfere. He doesn’t take sides. As I understand it, He lets people make their own decisions and face the consequences of their actions.

When a person is born, the wheel of their fate begins to turn. Sometimes, they’ll get caught in that wheel. It’s too bad if they can’t avoid it and get crushed. Trapped. Crushed. Just like me now. Crushed. Completely crushed. It’s the weight of winter, bearing down, suffocating, unrelenting. No spring in sight to soften the blow, no light to cut through the darkness.

Is what happened to me a consequence of my past mistakes? Has karma come to collect my debt? I admit to committing sins in the past; I am not a saint. But this is unfair. I was made to pay more than what I owe.   

I can’t wait to get to the top of the mountain. I just want to slam my head against the rocks repeatedly until my skull breaks.

**********

I continued my farewell walk.

I estimate I’m halfway there. I started drinking the beer. I want to get drunk. I should be inebriated by the time I reach the summit. I need the courage that alcohol lends, so I will not have second thoughts about doing what I came here for. There’s no more turning back. I needed to be intoxicated so I would not listen to that little voice inside my head that started whispering to accept what happened and just move on. I even thought in the convenience store earlier that if it weren’t illegal and they had cocaine, I might buy it. Not because I want to feel high before I die, but I want to be high enough to think I’m a bird and not hesitate to jump.

When I finished the second can of beer, my phone rang again. This time, it wasn’t my mother. It was Luis, my lawyer friend. That’s the call I was waiting for.

“Hey, how are you?”

I didn’t answer right away. I could hear him clearly, but so many things were racing through my mind.

“Hello… Joseph?”

“Yeah.”

“You sound like you’re out of breath.”

“I’m walking.”

“Where?”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“I was just checking in. Are you okay?”

“Why is everyone asking about my condition? Why do you still need to ask? If you were me, how would you feel today? Would you be okay?”

“Okay… okay… wait… relax. You seem a little hot-headed. Simmer down, brother. I’ll call you later.”

Then he was gone. He hung up the phone. I felt a strong urge to throw my phone away, but I held my horses. I took a deep breath. Something remained from the motivational videos I’d watched. You’re supposed to breathe deeply when you’re angry or confused. Sudden anger and confusion indicate that your brain is running low on oxygen.

After a few deep breaths, I called Luis back.

“Luis, I am so sorry brother. I’m just really carrying too much of a  heavy load right now. You know that. Sorry… my bad.”

“It’s okay, Josep. I understand what you’re going through. This day should be a happy one for you, but…”

“Please, let’s not talk about it.” I politely cut him short.

“Okay… okay. By the way, I already asked about the house and lot. You don’t have any claim on it. The land title is in Jinky’s name. Oh, Luis, you should have at least included yourself as owner of the propery.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I don’t know what to say.

“Your only hope now is if she voluntarily surrenders it to you. And brother, about the joint account, the money was withdrawn three days ago. Apparently, your fiancée has kept a blank withdrawal slip that bears your signature.”

I felt that the world was caving in on me.

“… and Joseph. I was able to comfirm through your mother that indeed Jinky is pregnant, and your elder brother is the father.”

 I couldn’t make sense of anything else said. My mind went blank. The words just… didn’t reach me. Suddenly, I realized I wasn’t talking to him anymore. I don’t know if he or I ended the conversation. My thoughts were completely scattered, lost in a fog of disbelief, like I was trapped in the deep freeze of winter, unable to feel anything but the cold. I took a few more deep breaths, tried to steady myself, and took a few more steps—like the faintest hint of spring pushing against the harshness of winter, only then did I feel the ground under my feet again.

Turns out, I’m just really stupid.

“I’M SO STUPID!”

I shouted that over and over. I don’t even know how many times.

I called out my fiancee’s name, my brother’s name, and cursed them… many times.

I continued walking toward the top of the mountain. I want to end it all. I don’t want to experience another night alone in my room. I’ll just stare blankly into nowhere and drown myself in alcohol until I’m gasping from being drunk.

I opened the bottle of Korean wine. I drank while walking. My steps weren’t staggered yet. They were still steady. The path hadn’t tilted. The beer didn’t affect me, so I decided to go hard instead.

Before, when I’d climb this mountain, I’d drink water while walking. I’d take selfies here and there. I’d listen to my favorite songs by a Filipino band called Eraserheads while humming along, making my way up the trail. And when I’d hear the song “Ligaya,” I’d sing along from beginning to end.

I played the songs again. But I couldn’t sing along from beginning up to the end of the songs, except for a few lines.

“Ilang awit pa ba ang aawitin o giliw ko… gagawin ko ang lahat pati ang thesis mo…”
(“How many more songs will I sing, my love… I’ll do everything, even your thesis…”)

That darn person made me do her master’s thesis. When I jokingly said I’d only do Chapter 3 once we were a couple, she immediately said yes. That’s how we started our relationship. When I said jokingly that I’d finish up to Chapter 5 only if she slept with me, she gave in right away. At that time, I wondered how many of their university’s graduates paid someone else to do their thesis or dissertation. Did they pay with money or their dignity, or both, just to get a Master’s or a PhD.

“…At ang galing-galing mong sumayaw. Mapa boogie man o cha cha. Ngunit ang paborito ay ang pagsayaw mo ng El Bimbo. Nakakaindak…nakakaaliw…nakakatindig balahibo.”

 (…And you’re really great at dancing. Whether it’s boogie or cha-cha. But my favorite is when you dance the El Bimbo. It’s so infectious… so entertaining… it gives me goosebumps.)”

And my favorite lines from all of Eraserheads’ songs…

“Magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay. Na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig ng tunay.”

(“Our hands are held together, and we’re unaware. That you taught my heart to love for real.”)

For the first time, I took a woman seriously, and for the first time, I truly loved someone. Yet, this is what happened.

“F_ _ K YOU!!!

It feels so good to curse.

“F_ _ K YOU!!!

Cursing sounds so much sharper when you shout it.

I kept listening to the songs while finishing the wine as I walked. By the time I was hoarse and the bottle was empty, I was near the top of the mountain. Only a few more steps, and I’d reach my final destination.

I felt a mix of fatigue and dizziness, and my vision seemed to spin a bit. It was time to rest again. I chose to lie on the ground, surrounded by a few scattered dry leaves, rather than lean against a tree. I don’t know; I just felt like it.

From that position, I saw that it was a bright, sunny day, with only a few cloud formations dotting the sky.

**********

A few minutes passed before I stood up and started walking again.

Finally, I reached the top. I had reached my personal Golgotha… I had successfully carried the cross of my Calvary to its final destination. I was still wearing my crown of filth. I was about to crucify myself. I was going to pierce my side with a spear.

That part of the mountain was open. There were benches and a small hut for resting. Large rocks and some pine trees lined the side, with thick ropes blocking the way. There were warning signs in Korean saying not to cross the rope. That area of the mountain was steep and slippery, making it dangerous.

That very danger was what I wanted to challenge. I crossed the rope. I walked toward the edge of the mountain. One more step, and there would be no ground beneath me.

But I wasn’t ready to jump yet.

I had a ceremony to do first. Like the Japanese samurai before, they performed “hara-kiri,” when they’d rather kill themselves than be captured by the enemy. But for me, instead of slicing open my stomach, I would fill it with food.

It was a deep fall. Rocky and filled with pine trees. I marked a spot where there were fewer trees. That’s where I’ll perform my leap, not of faith, but of death.  I just hoped I wouldn’t get caught on those trees so that I could be sure I’d die. Even if I did get caught in the trees, I’d be sure to break my bones, and eventually, I’d die. It wouldn’t be noticed that there was a body there. Especially once the trees had leaves again.

I found the nearest flat rock and laid out the remaining beer, wine, and food I had brought.

I was about to start eating when someone arrived.

A woman.

To be continued…

Edge of the Fall (Part 3)