Chapter 4 – “The Second Time Around”

The next day, Elena and I couldn’t leave the house. It rained all day – rain that reminded me of you, of whatever it is between us. It wasn’t water quenching a fire, but rather like oil that ignited it. The relentless downpour lashed against the windows of Elena’s family house, a steady drumming that echoed the disquiet in my heart. My mind is like the windows; what transpired in the house and what we did under the table while having dinner are as relentless as the downpour pounding my being.

I’m not sure what I’m feeling for you. Am I just pretending not to know? Is it purely physical attraction? Am I being controlled by lust? Could I be developing genuine feelings for you, or do I simply feel sorry for your situation? The distinction between desire and deeper emotions is unclear, and I find myself lost in a sea of confusing feelings.

A shard of guilt twisted in my gut. Whatever is there between us is entirely wrong. You and Daniel aren’t married, and Elena and I aren’t married yet either, so we can’t be accused of committing adultery. We hadn’t broken any vows, but the betrayal felt heavy nonetheless. Maybe you didn’t feel guilty for betraying Daniel because perhaps your love for him has already faded for all the pain he caused you. But what about me? I love Elena. That’s why I’m marrying her. But why is it like this? There’s still a space in my heart, and it seems you filled it. And I need to find out how much space you have filled. It may be more than the space for Elena. It was like a path diverging, and I stood frozen at the crossroads, unsure which way to turn.  Once reserved for her alone, the space in my heart now felt fractured, and the uncertainty clawed at me.

Elena is beside me, but you consume my thoughts. Why is it this way? When I kiss Elena and close my eyes, your face appears. It feels like I’m kissing you, not her. I went to Sagada because of Elena, not you. Yet, I can’t find a way to get you out of my mind. You’ve disrupted my quiet, simple life.

“Sorry, Dad.” Elena disrupted my thought processes. “We couldn’t go out. Let’s go tomorrow, okay.”

I responded to Elena with a kiss on the cheek.

“Mom is so embarrassed because of what’s happening. Why did it have to be now that we’re here that the problems with my brother and his wife erupted?”

“Tell her not to worry about me. Camille’s well-being is more important… uh… and your brother’s.”

I mentioned Elena’s brother because she might think something else about the two of us.

“I’ve been trying to call them to check, but they’re not answering. I also messaged Camille, but nothing. Maybe Daniel has her phone. Mom is really worried. That’s why it seems she’s feeling unwell.”

I was feeling so anxious about you. The whole day passed without any word from you, leaving me unsettled. In an attempt to distract myself, I spent time editing photos and videos to upload to my travel vlog website. Then I remembered that I had taken a picture of you. I transferred it to my laptop and opened it, hoping it would make me feel better, but it only made me sadder. It made me long to see you even more.

The third day since I met you arrived.

I barely slept the previous night, and thoughts of you occupied every waking moment. Do you ever think of me as well? With all your worries, is there any room left in your mind for me? In your heart, do I have any space? I hope I do, even if it’s just a tiny bit.

I was the first to wake up. Elena and her mother were still asleep when I got up. My fiancée slept in her mother’s room. Her mother had a fever, so she needed to be taken care of.

I brewed some coffee and sat on the terrace. The sun rose, though it might not last long because it was the rainy season. I thought that Elena and I could finally go out so I could have photos and videos for my vlogs and distract myself from constantly thinking of you. I wished to forget you. But will that happen?

“Good morning, dad. You’re up early.”

Elena sat next to me and sipped my coffee.

“My brother called around midnight. He apologized to mom. He said he and sister Camille are reconciled now.”

“Ah… that’s good to hear.”

I didn’t mean what I said. I did not want you to have a reconciliation with your husband. Is it impossible to resolve your deep-seated issues as a couple so easily? Nevertheless, I was glad to hear some news about you.

“Jeff, Mom has a fever, and I must take care of her. If you want to go out for pictures and videos for your vlog, I might not be able to accompany you. Is that okay?”

“It’s okay, mommy. You need to take care of mom.”

“Go visit the mini rice terraces. Take some pictures. Bear with the small rice terraces for now. Eventually, you’ll see the bigger ones.”

“Alright, mommy. Don’t worry about me.”

“Also, take a picture of the hut. I haven’t seen it in a long time. I’d like to see it even just in a photo.”

“Sure. I’ll leave around ten while the sun is still up. It might rain again this afternoon.”

“Okay, Dad. Wait, I’ll start cooking our breakfast. I’ll also prepare something for you to take with you later. Loverboy… there’s still beer in cans in the fridge if you want to bring some.”

I observed Elena as she walked towards the kitchen. She is a wonderful person with many beautiful qualities. You have known her for a long time and are aware of this, too. There’s nothing I can criticize about her, which is why my parents like her. That’s why my conscience is bothering me because of what’s happening.

After breakfast, I got my things ready. I was heading out again to capture more photos and videos.

The people I passed outside were already smiling at me, perhaps because they had heard that I was Elena’s fiancé. I waved at them and returned their smiles.

I found a spot where I could start taking pictures and videos. I opened my first can of beer, plugged my earphones in, and began singing along to songs by Air Supply and Ed Sheeran again. “Here I Am” by Air Supply now holds meaning for me because of you. The lines “those thoughts of you keep taunting me” resonated deeply.

That outing was definitely worth it. I took many photos. When I checked the time on my cell phone, I realized I had been walking for almost three hours. And then I saw the rice terraces carved into the side of the mountain again. They looked even more beautiful when hit by the sunlight.

I quickened my pace when I spotted the hut. It would be insincere to deny that I hoped to find you there. As I approached, I heard some movement inside, which made me almost sprint towards the hut, eager to see if you were there. I peeked through the open window, and all I could see were field mice on the table.

You weren’t there, and I felt disappointed, but it was okay. Maybe you and your husband, my future brother-in-law, were already getting along. Did you get fooled into reconciling with your good-for-nothing husband again? I didn’t want to say that I hoped you resolved your issues. I have to admit, I didn’t want that to happen.

I was irritated that you were on my mind again; I should be thinking about Elena, not you. There’s nothing between us because you’re already committed to Daniel, even if you’re just living together.

I moved a little away from the hut, and as Elena requested, I took a picture of the hut that had become the nest of our infidelity.

After that, I felt a cold breeze. The sun hid behind the clouds again, looking like it would rain. But this time, I had an umbrella with me. Elena insisted that I bring it in case it rained again.

It started to drizzle, so I went into the hut to retrieve the umbrella from my backpack. The rain intensified, but I could still venture outside if necessary. However, feeling tired and hungry, I chose to stay inside the hut for a bit. I planned to rest, have food, and then head home despite the rain.

I placed my belongings on the bed and unpacked my food. I had two more cans of beer. I only drank one and didn’t feel intoxicated. I

The wind picked up, so I closed the hut’s window. Luckily, I had a mini-rechargeable light in my backpack, and I turned it on before reaching for the door to close it. To my surprise, you walked in. It was unbelievable to experience that moment again – encountering you inside the hut. The only difference this time was that you were not wet from the rain as you had an umbrella. I also had an umbrella. Both of us had umbrellas, so why didn’t we decide to keep walking to avoid meeting there again?

You closed the door, then stood before me. As our eyes locked, no words were needed. You embraced me, reigniting our undeniable longing as our bodies connected. You kissed me passionately like nobody ever had. Then you pulled away from my embrace.

You sat on the edge of the bed, and while looking at me, you took off your clothes… and underwear. I approached you. You removed my belt, unzipped my pants while I was taking off my shirt, and then knelt before me. The ecstasy brought by what you did afterward was not like anything that I felt before.

While the hut provided shelter from the rain, we still got wet… with the guilt of our betrayal.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Chapter 1-A

Chapter 1-B

Chapter 2

Chapter 3